Meal out with OW and mutual friend

[Wellthisunexpected]

WWYD?

A friend (A) who lives abroad is in the UK for a few days and is in my city for a night. He has organised a meal out to catch up with as many friends as possible on that day. I have been invited.

Also invited is my ex-best friend (B), who had an emotional affair (which would have turned physical had I not found out when I did) with my DH whilst I was in the grip of PND and PTSD. She is attending (with her husband) my DH will be remaining at home to look after DS (he does not know A as well as me). Due to the short notice and venue only about 7 people are going, including B, her husband and A.

I want to see A, and won’t have another opportunity, possibly for more than 12 months. But the thought of sitting at a table with B all night and being forced to make polite conversation fills me with dread. Due to having mutual friends I have seen a couple of times since (the incident came to ahead about 18months ago) but have been able to just avoid her and not speak to her at all (I just blank her), but in such an intimate setting I won’t be able to do that without making things very uncomfortable for A.

A is aware we are not talking but does not know why.

WWYD? Go and make nice for a chance to see A, or make excuses?

I've just finished reading the rest of your thread OP and the post that resonates with me most is this one, from MorrisZapp:

The unspoken truth here is that you can't tell anyone what she did without also telling them what your husband did. And so unless you want your friends to know that your dh left you struggling with a newborn and PND to go boozing and sagging you off, you are committed to keeping schtum.

That's the price of forgiving him.

You're keeping silent because you're embarrassed for your husband and embarrassed that people may judge you for staying with somebody who cheated. Their opinions don't matter, you've made your decision. I can see from your posts that it doesn't sit easily for you though because you can't lie to yourself about it.

Your post about having 'new' couple friends made me wince. Your husband is the one that made that necessary and, because you want your life back-to-normal-asafp - he wallows along in your wake as you want to be with him.

People will already be gossiping, it sounds as if some people know, some don't - but if you can't be honest with 'A' who sounds as if he's quite close to 'B', then just don't go at all, there's no point.

As you've said, this emotional thing hurts more than a physical betrayal. He did that. Don't make it all about her. I don't think for a minute that you know everything either but I hope that your determination to keep going regardless is enough to carry you both along. I truly hope he doesn't let you down again either.

Your Dh is getting away with a lot IMO.

I definitely wouldn't go to this dinner, but OP please make sure you have support. Someone who would collude and knock you down when you are at your most vulnerable, is that really someone you want to stay with. What would happen if you became unwell? DH owes you much much more than a friend, she did not make vows to you.

Was A one of the people who laughed along when B said you were broken after giving birth and your DH would have to get sex elsewhere?

Because it's not just your DH and B that fucked you over, is it?

Your DH's behaviour still stands out as being the worst though. He was the one whose baby you'd just given birth to.

I agree with what's above - your old friends sound shitty, but you shouldn't let your determination to fix things mean that you reinvent your whole life and social circle (potentially losing good, loyal friends) to accommodate a man who deliberately betrayed on you.

Dessert sounds like a plan.

I don't know how you're getting there, but if you're driving is there any way you could drive A home (or wherever he's staying) instead of B doing it? That might give you more time to visit without B being there.

Hope you can think of something Well.

& everyone who is being judgy about OP staying in the relationship - just respect her decision and stop passing judgement. There really isn’t any need.

You seem to be losing a lot of friends over your cheating dh, is he rich? I've only lost 2, B and her DH, we still see all the others, just on different terms.

There isn't much, if any, gossip going on, due to the timing and other stuff going on at the time we'd withdrawn somewhat from the group (first and currently only to have kids, and no local child care) so our absence wasn't very noticeable.

No, A isn't part of that group, he'd already moved abroad by then. It was rarely "our" friends she did it with, more her friends we knew.

What an utterly shitty thing for both of them to do! Your 'd'h not being horrified and immediately pulling her up on it and instead booking a hotel makes him abhorrent. She's a bitch. I don't blame you for losing the friendship group.

Your Dh is getting away with a lot IMO.
This is so .
You deserve better than this, you deserve a happy life.
There are good men out there who don't shag your mates.
if you believe they didn't then your a fool.
I've never heard of a secret affair before, where nobody knew.
I've known many where the whole town have known except the wife.
How can you stay with him when so many people will know what he did, and you allow it?
You do deserve so much better, I'm sorry you can't see it.
He'll probably do it again as you have sort of given him permission now.

A lot of unnecessary negativity towards the OP.

Absolutely no need to question whether OP has it right that her H had an EA. How on earth does any poster have the right to question whether the OP has got it right when they have even less information than she does?? She is not obliged to share and relive all the awful moments from the EA, and healthier for her not to if she is moving on.

Also she did not ask for judgment on whether her H is to blame etc. People do work past an affair and still stay together. It sounds to me like they have both worked on their relationship and whilst many would not be able to move on it seems OP is working towards that/has done that and is happier. She is also not in denial about what her H did. So again no need to question her decision to stay with him.

OP the decision needs to be based solely on whether you feel your MH can tolerate this. Everything else is less relevant.

That’s fine, and of course it’s up to her. I just think the op doesn’t sound happy.

If A is staying with B that suggests they are close and if anything happens during meal then B will just laugh it off or lie about you. I'd be tempted not to go at all unless they really are a very good friend

What is wrong with people?!

The OP is entitled to want to save her marriage and to make it work. Who are you to stand on a pedestal and be so judgemental and think you know more of this situation than the person who was in it @gillybeanz?!

This post is not seeking advice on her relationship, she is seeking advice on a social event. Keep your judgement to yourself- it’s always easy to think what you would do when you’ve never actually been in a situation....

I think going for desert is a good suggestion.

for you because I think you are brave and dignified.

Good luck

Oh god. Just don’t go.

Seeing A (who wouldn’t drop B even if they knew all the hateful, devious shit she enacted on you, so a huge question mark hovering over the value of A’s friendship...) isn’t that important. A knows you are estranged from B and if they really cared about seeing you, they would have made sure to see you without B.

What a horror of a situation for you!
I don't think I could even manage dessert in that situation - you'd be coming in while everyone was already seated, and you'd have to find a place to sit which might end up being next to her, or even directly opposite her (worse); plus you'd be saying hello to everyone except her, that's going to be noticeable.
Also, it would play against you as she might then force the issue - never a good option - which would make it very plain to all that there was bad blood there, and could make for a very unpleasant atmosphere.

I think you will just have to give A a miss on this occasion - offer to Skype with him or see him before he goes to B's house, if that's possible.

Re. the friends not "taking sides" - this is normal, in my opinion. People generally don't. For one thing, if the "offender" hasn't done anything directly to them, then they don't see why they should; and for another, they have a tendency to go "six of one, half a dozen of the other" because they don't know the situation, they only go on what the 2 people actually involved say, and they could both be lying/embellishing.
I've been in this situation - it's very frustrating as I don't lie, but still people would rather believe shit about me than that the other person had genuinely behaved as badly as they did. The ONLY way to deal with it and stay sane is to withdraw from those people as much as possible (harder to do when they're colleagues) and stop talking about it, so I think you've done exactly the right thing so far.

Just don't go.

I get this must be difficult but this is turning into some bad Kay Mellor drama. If you don’t want to tell people then don’t but you can’t expect people to understand the ‘we’re not talking’ without thinking that you’re a drama llama, especially if she’s feigning innocence. I suspect that ‘not telling’, is more to protect your decision to stay with your H rather than protecting your privacy but that’s your prerogative.

Don’t go, make excuses but don’t be cryptic about things being ‘awkward’ if you’re not prepared to explain why (thus putting A in the middle of something they have no knowledge of).

I can totally understand why you don't want to sit through a meal with B. The trouble is that if you don't tell people why you are angry with her then they are inevitably going to believe her version and just think you are being a drama queen. They probably won't take sides whatever you say, but at least they will understand where you are coming from and not think you are overreacting when you refuse to go anywhere if she is there too.
If you don't want to sit through a meal with her (I wouldn't) and don't want A to think that you just can't be bothered you are going to have to think of a good excuse not to go.

Don't you think though that A should know, what if she makes a move on him? You have said that he is staying over B's house. I would tell A, if only to warn him what she is like, so he doesn't fall into the same trap your husband did. I think he deserves to know and he should know. Whether he still remains friends with her or not (and it is a 50-50 thing, he just may surprise you and not, if you give him the chance), he still deserves to be told what a predator she is. Forewarned is forearmed. Wouldn't you feel bad if she made moves on him, and you didn't tell him beforehand?

No fucking way would I go, because I would want so hard to smack her for all the vicious shit she said. Life is too short to spend even five minutes with someone that evil. Good luck with fixing your marriage of you want to. I could never have forgiven my husband for being such an utter cunt, let alone at such a time. I wish you all the best.

SalemBlackCat he knows what she's like, he's known her long enough. He's staying there with his wife and put the boundaries up between himself and B a long time ago.

If it was me, I’d go. Just blank her and focus on talking to A. Cold shoulder the OW. If she tries to speak to you just ignore her and start speaking to somebody else. You can be subtle about it. You’re there to see A not her. Don’t let her ruin your social life.

Oh and it’s time to stop letting her off the hook. Tell everyone that she tried to fuck your husband. Fuck get over. Ruin her. Can’t believe you’ve let her get away with this

I’m sure lots of us have fantasies about “ruining” or “showing” people who’ve hurt us (I know I do ) but even if morally we’re in the “right”, in practice it never works well

I really think this social group is a lost cause - it just seems to be doing no good for your mental health?

If you don’t really trust A enough to protect your feelings or keep private info private - but feel you have to go through mental contortions to see him, then it’s not really sending a message that you value your own self esteem?

So what if B thinks you’re a friendless weirdo and she’s “won”? She’ll probably latch onto someone else with her drama at some point - you want to be WELL away from her at this stage.

Give it time. It takes at least a year NC and cold turkey to get over big things.

I think my own stress issues lifted when I stopped socialising with or caring about the approval of people who didn’t value my feelings?

Even though I could justify why I was socialising with them (internally telling myself I was “laid back” etc) it ISNT the social norm to have contact with “friends” who you can’t trust with personal information - I was being desperate and needy.

I’ve learned I’d rather appear/be a loner for a while than have to continually play social politics with people who really deep down have no concern for my welfare at all.

Also, moving forward, it’s hard to meet new people and make new connections if you’re emotionally caught up in previous dramas.

Here's a variant on going for dessert. Tell A something has come up so to remove you from the meal booking, but you'll pop in during the meal just for a drink. Go along late, order a drink at the bar, go across to A and pull up a chair (on the side away from B) and chat for a short while. Be as cheerful as you can, then make your excuses and go.

I would also start using the line Tom Cruise used when he broke up with Nicole Kidman, which would be (for you) 'B knows exactly why we don't speak any more'. You can say you won't go into it further to prevent unpleasantness, but it will make the point about where things stand.