Meal out with OW and mutual friend

[Wellthisunexpected]

WWYD?

A friend (A) who lives abroad is in the UK for a few days and is in my city for a night. He has organised a meal out to catch up with as many friends as possible on that day. I have been invited.

Also invited is my ex-best friend (B), who had an emotional affair (which would have turned physical had I not found out when I did) with my DH whilst I was in the grip of PND and PTSD. She is attending (with her husband) my DH will be remaining at home to look after DS (he does not know A as well as me). Due to the short notice and venue only about 7 people are going, including B, her husband and A.

I want to see A, and won’t have another opportunity, possibly for more than 12 months. But the thought of sitting at a table with B all night and being forced to make polite conversation fills me with dread. Due to having mutual friends I have seen a couple of times since (the incident came to ahead about 18months ago) but have been able to just avoid her and not speak to her at all (I just blank her), but in such an intimate setting I won’t be able to do that without making things very uncomfortable for A.

A is aware we are not talking but does not know why.

WWYD? Go and make nice for a chance to see A, or make excuses?

@jings because it is a weird and awkward position and because A is a friend. These things being kept ‘secret’ just damage the victim. They damage her because she’s been massively betrayed by a mutual friend who’s presence can only cause pain. If A does not know this, their friendship will erode over time.

Also, because secrets only help the betrayer, B. She can have full access to mutual friends and pass herself off as a person who can be trusted within the group e.g, ‘I’m just tactile’.

Friendships are based on trust.

Also, the OP just finds herself isolated otherwise. She’s not only been betrayed but now she’s having to either not go to dinner or just meet for drinks, so B is still causing her pain. The only way to reassert yourself is through being open.

However it is OPs call.

Birdsgottafly where have I said that? But actually she has, in many ways, over many years. Not all involving DH, that was just the final straw. DH has taken his fair share of blame, and we continue to work through it, but this situation isn't about him. He's lost friends too.

I won't be airing this publically, it'll be embarrassing for those not involved, won't make me feel any better and won't help the situation. I couldn't give a shiny shit what she has told others or her DH.

The unspoken truth here is that you can't tell anyone what she did without also telling them what your husband did. And so unless you want your friends to know that your dh left you struggling with a newborn and PND to go boozing and sagging you off, you are committed to keeping schtum.

That's the price of forgiving him.

Don't go. You'll not be able to concentrate on yoyr friend and it ill drag up all those horrible feelings. Which it already is, isnt it.
I would say yes to the invite then last inute pull out due to gastro problems. That way no discussion needed and let that greedy lady think whatever she wants.
xx

MorrisZapp it's actually weird, I have told people what DH has done, and do so openly, I just don't name the other woman.

There's absolutely no way she would tell anyone at the meal why I wasn't there, she only ever said "I don't know" if people have asked her why we aren't talking. No-one has ever asked me, which knowing the dynamics of our friendship groups suggests to me they have their suspicions.

A is very very good friends with B. Telling A would lead to him discussing it with A, which would give her opportunity to pass me off as batshit crazy, which bringing it up in public (in front of people I barely know) would confirm!

The unspoken truth here is that you can't tell anyone what she did without also telling them what your husband did. And so unless you want your friends to know that your dh left you struggling with a newborn and PND to go boozing and sagging you off, you are committed to keeping schtum.

That's the price of forgiving him.

exactly right. With all the consequent looks out the corner of the eye and justifying why the OP hung onto the marriage.

I wouldn’t go. I don’t think you need to be specific about why you don’t want to encounter B. It’s enough to say to A that B unforgivably betrayed your friendship and as a result you have cut her from your life. You can say that she is well aware of what the betrayal was, despite anything she might be saying to the contrary. If A is a good friend they will accept that, and hopefully find another opportunity to catch up with you.

X posted with op. I withdraw ^

You should tell A. Don’t make a massive deal out of it, but I think you should explain why you won’t go. If I were them I’d be hurt by a friend not meeting on such a rare opportunity.

Are you really sure you’re coping after all this? It’s a hard one to get over really. Have you had counselling? Might be an idea.

OP, you said "I do feel more betrayed by her". You wasn't. He had responsibility towards you and your Baby.

It sounds as though she wasn't a good friend anyway, but your DH had made a commitment to you.

Would you want her to be telling people?

Her take on it might be different and he booked the room, so she can put a different spin on it.

If you do tell people, then it could alter things because you are staying with your Husband. Other people aren't always so quick to forget and once it's public knowledge, it's theirs to use how they want.

If you are getting past it, then you should go.

Can you see A another time?

I don't see need for telling them or anyone else either

To be fair, MorrisZapp is right.

And I hate to point it out, but you're contracting your second post on the thread. You say: 'it's actually weird, I have told people what DH has done, and do so openly, I just don't name the other woman.'

...but in your second post on the thread, you said:

I'm not telling people because I don't want to. Not about covering it up, just I don't want people involved in my private business. It's how all this started!

Why not just tell A the truth, if he's a god thread, and you are actually telling people?

user1497991628 yes, had counselling, both individual and couples. We've both made huge changes to ourselves and the relationship and things are going very well, we are much stronger both individually and as a couple.

We are both aware of the failings that led to the situation and are keen for it not to be repeated!

... if he's a good friend

Good 😊

I know how you feel, but it’s things like this that mean it never seems to go away.

In that case maybe you should go and get it over with.

Hope you get a happy solution

Im so sorry to hear that at such a low and vulnerable time in your life, the people who should have been supporting you, did the exact opposite. Reprehensible behaviour.

Both of them. It seems so unjust that they can carry on as normal.

"A is very very good friends with B. Telling A would lead to him discussing it with A, which would give her opportunity to pass me off as batshit crazy, "

Sounds to me as if A isn't that good a friend and not worth the bother?

TheDowagerCuntess sorry, should have been clearer, I'm not telling people within the mutual friendship group (though DHs bf knows). We have told others, some of whom know B by association or as an acquaintance.

And as I said, I have told people what DH has done, just not who with, telling A is pointless in that respect. I've also answered why telling him wouldn't be the best idea anyway.

At some point, if you are going to forgive something (such as what DH did) you have to move on from it. I forgive DH, I do not police his movements or check his phone, I trust him and feel he can be open and honest with me and we deal with issues as they arise. It isn't something we talk about often and unless there is a situation where she will be there isn't something I really think about.

I do not however, trust B and so choose to distance myself from her as much as possible. Seeing her just makes me all sorts of angry, which I don't like.

Diddl he is a good friend, he's talk to B in an attempt to help, as that is what he is like. He thinks too well of people at times.

Tonkerbea DH didn't get to just carry on as normal, his friendships and life has also been disrupted, but it serves him right!

I would not go. No need to put yourself through that stress.

Glad to hear your marriage is becoming stronger - keep prioritizing that and good luck

So you have told people openly about your DH cheating (even if it wasn't physical, he was unfaithful).

And everyone knows you're no longer talking to B, since the time of the infidelity. They haven't asked you the reason, which indicates they have probably already put two and two together.

And yet you think that openly saying it was A would be involving people in your private business? I'm afraid that horse bolted long ago. People will already have figured it out already, so you may as well tell A and other friends what B did.

I'd go to the meal. Sit at the opposite end of the table to her, and don't talk to her - with 7 people that should be achievable.

Don't go. You'll be on edge all night and won't enjoy yourself.

^ openly saying it was B

I think don't go, but tell A. B will just continue to paint you in a bad light if not. Making out shes some kind of victim. Tell A discreetly.

OliviaBenson she hasn't been painting me in a bad light.

Womanwithaltitude we haven't told friends who know B well (well enough to know we no longer talk) that DH was unfaithful. We choose instead to distance ourselves from the mutual friendship group, which on the whole has actually been really beneficial for us as a couple, it was all a bit toxic. There's very few friends in the position of A i.e. outside of the mutual friendship group but knows us both well enough to know we aren't talking.

I think I had actually done a good job of not involving mutual friends in it all, one had no idea that B and I (and DH) were no longer talking, only finding out when we declined a dinner party invite just the 6 of us.