Meal out with OW and mutual friend

[Wellthisunexpected]

WWYD?

A friend (A) who lives abroad is in the UK for a few days and is in my city for a night. He has organised a meal out to catch up with as many friends as possible on that day. I have been invited.

Also invited is my ex-best friend (B), who had an emotional affair (which would have turned physical had I not found out when I did) with my DH whilst I was in the grip of PND and PTSD. She is attending (with her husband) my DH will be remaining at home to look after DS (he does not know A as well as me). Due to the short notice and venue only about 7 people are going, including B, her husband and A.

I want to see A, and won’t have another opportunity, possibly for more than 12 months. But the thought of sitting at a table with B all night and being forced to make polite conversation fills me with dread. Due to having mutual friends I have seen a couple of times since (the incident came to ahead about 18months ago) but have been able to just avoid her and not speak to her at all (I just blank her), but in such an intimate setting I won’t be able to do that without making things very uncomfortable for A.

A is aware we are not talking but does not know why.

WWYD? Go and make nice for a chance to see A, or make excuses?

With regards to the hotel, DH booked it but she knew about it, she suggested the trip which required the hotel, she suggested they share a room (to save money), it just happened I found out by seeing the email confirmation of the hotel (which was not the twin room travel lodge they had both told me it was).

Do you have evidence that she suggested the trip and that they share the room or are you just going on your DH's word?

IF you have evidence I would tell A what happened and that you would like to see him another time.

Are you sure the room wasn't just to save money? I'm sharing a room with a male friend at an upcoming wedding because doing to saves us both 90 quid. He's a damn good friend but it's neither sexual nor an 'emotional affair'.

Dungeondragon15 I do. I was there when she suggested it. And when she suggested they share a room. I was also there when she told DH I was mean because I wouldn't let him go out dancing with her when I wanted to go home as I had mastitis and was ill and he was driving. And I was there when she said to DH "there's no point in asking you is there, I'll need to ask the jailer" and "I don't know how you put up with that, she won't let you do anything" (that one was to me asking him not to go out with her for the third time that week). I was also there when she sat on his knee, stroked his hair and danced with him. I was there when I told her about my post birth issues, in confidence, and there when she told a room full of people about them and laughed that DH was going to have to "get it elsewhere as I was broken". I was there when she called me a kill joy and tired to get DH to agree. I was there when she ridiculed the fact breastfeeding made me ravenous and I gained weight.

Blackbirdblue30 I was told it was a twin room Travelodge. I was then told there were no twin rooms and so DH was taking an airbed. I then saw the booking confirmation - a country house hotel with 4 poster bed. And not cheap.

I am without words about this woman's behaviour wellthis

Either go, avoid the ex friend and dont make a fuss, or dont go and try and arrange to see Friend A before or after (and keep your reasons to yourself). Dont drag friend A into it as he is also friends with your ex friend and its not fair to put him in an awkward position. Also given that nothing physical happened, you are still with your dh and your ex friend is still with her dh, you can bet your bottom dollar if you air any of this your ex friend will dismiss it all as either you being a bitter shit stirrer with issues, or it was your husband that got the wrong end of the stick and she was just trying to be a supportive friend.

I also saw messages between them, which were very much a two way thing, very flirty from both sides.

ccmms that's exactly my thinking re telling people.

And when I say "nothing physical happened" I actually just mean there was no sex. They held hands, snuggled and there was one kiss.

Are you sure this did not stray into the physical. 4 poster luxury hotel territory sounds as though it was already consummated!

She sounds like a Grade A bitch regardless. Those comments are shocking. You are right to go no contact. To be honest, I would not be able to forgive DH colluding or not defending me in a situation you describe, apart from anything it would expose him as a weak coward and I could not be with someone like that.

farfallarocks this is one of the reasons I actually blame her slightly more. He did defend me on some of those occasions (he wasn't present for them all). But she was also whispering in his ear when I wasn't there, and they were alone.

I'm as certain as I can be that they didn't have sex. He didn't go to the hotel with her, I found out as he was packing the car up.

Wow. What B did ws unspeakable, but for your DH to go along with it.....

Have a make over, hair, make up at a salon buy a stunning new outfit and be fabulous! Ignore the OW without making things awkward sit at opposite ends of the table and I know you said there’s only seven of you but that means six you can talk too and one you can just ignore. Why should OW go and not you? You haven’t done anything wrong! Once she knows you’re definitely going she may pull out.

My Ex had an emotional affair and it’s devastating. They did get sexual however the betrayal was clear as soon as he kept it secret and flirted / became infatuated with her. You don’t have to justify this OP!

She’s an awful woman. Your DH was a horrible sneaky and lying toad.

However I still think what’s the point now with friend A. Why would you want to carry on if it’s dependent on being with B. I think it all enables her.

wellthis This is exactly what will happen. Unfortunately if you are not close friends with the other people at the meal, (and also taking into account how close the ex friend is with the other people at the meal) and you air this, the other guests will only have your word vs the ex friends word. And people dont like conflict, or being put in an awkward position, especially by people they dont feel particularly indebted too (as in i mean like a close friend who would have your back no matter what). They will subconsciously distance themselves or lay blame at the person who created the drama, and unfortunately regardless of who is actually right or wrong, it will be you that is painted as the troublemaker.

I would avoid because there is no dignified way out of this. She sounds like a manipulative, attention seeking bitch. I know the kind well.

Don’t give her the chance to get any mean comments in to undermine your confidence. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Just try to feel a bit sorry for the pathetic people who have to use others to make themselves feel important. They are the broken ones.

Tell 'A' why you feel the way you do about 'B' and ask to meet him for drinks beforehand or after. Decline the dinner.

It would be hard to give half a story and this is YOUR business, YOUR health, YOUR relationship, YOUR decision to stay in the relationship and why should you have to share or justify any of that because two people in your life were too immature to support her and OW used it as an opportunity to gain attention because she is basically an amoral, selfish attention seeker.

If OP chooses to keep this private I don’t see why she should be forced into disclosure because of the callous actions of others.

If sounds as though disclosure would make not difference as OW would claim was all in your head, and if you friend is a fixer he will try and solve it. You don’t want that forcing on you in an enclosed space.

One option is to go for one course only, make clear to friend you can’t stay so it would be good to have dessert to catch up or even a quick drink after.

I quite like that idea of just going for dessert crikey then there's a specific time frame, no need to make an excuse to leave early and plenty good excuses as to why I have to arrive late. That may just be the solution I need!

I can see why you might not want to go, but this is a rare opportunity to spend time with someone who is (I assume) a good friend. I'd alert him to the fact that things are still difficult between you and B (you don't need to say more) and ask him to devise a seating plan that puts you at opposite ends of the table.

OP the fact that you are questioning whether to go or not and know you would be uncomfortable tells me you shouldn't go. You need to protect yourself, your mental health and your relationship. You need to put yourself first here and if it means not seeing your friend a bit longer then it sucks but you need to do it. Message your friend and see can they do another time and if not then you tried. You don't need to tie yourself up in knots here. I know you are trying to maintain a front to other people and totally understand it but you are allowed be vulnerable and you are allowed to not be strong and just say this time you just cant.

I actually have a pain in my stomach reading your replies because I am going through something similar with my dh, not to the extent to what happened with your friend and dh but trust has been broken by my dh with lies and I don't know if I can get over it. I am coming to the conclusion maybe it is something I will never get over and I don't need to do anything for anyone but me right now.

Dont go, just send you apologies and forget about it instead of stewing over whether your should or not and maybe come of social media or whattsapp (where ever the group message was) and just clear your head.

Oh, cross post. Dessert only sounds like a good plan (and I'm trying to devise a bad pun about giving B her just desserts by tipping a trifle over her head).

I wouldn't go, but there again wouldn't be with a cheat, they don't change just become better liars.
You seem to be losing a lot of friends over your cheating dh, is he rich?

She is certainly a nasty piece of work and she clearly doesn't like you. For that alone I would avoid going out for a meal if she wasn't present and the group is only small. Just tell A that there have been a lot of problems between the two of you in the past and you would prefer to see him separately.

In all honesty, if the friends heard and saw her treat you so poorly before then the fact they remain friends with her speaks volumes about them, no? It sounds like these friendships are good now only in the past.