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AIBU?

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Original poster

Meal out with OW and mutual friend

182 replies

Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:19

WWYD?

A friend (A) who lives abroad is in the UK for a few days and is in my city for a night. He has organised a meal out to catch up with as many friends as possible on that day. I have been invited.

Also invited is my ex-best friend (B), who had an emotional affair (which would have turned physical had I not found out when I did) with my DH whilst I was in the grip of PND and PTSD. She is attending (with her husband) my DH will be remaining at home to look after DS (he does not know A as well as me). Due to the short notice and venue only about 7 people are going, including B, her husband and A.

I want to see A, and won’t have another opportunity, possibly for more than 12 months. But the thought of sitting at a table with B all night and being forced to make polite conversation fills me with dread. Due to having mutual friends I have seen a couple of times since (the incident came to ahead about 18months ago) but have been able to just avoid her and not speak to her at all (I just blank her), but in such an intimate setting I won’t be able to do that without making things very uncomfortable for A.

A is aware we are not talking but does not know why.

WWYD? Go and make nice for a chance to see A, or make excuses?

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 23/07/2018 13:25

I think (as PP have suggested) that much of this depends on how much you want to see A, and whether you'll have any other chance to do so. If seeing A is important to you, perhaps you could ride out the meal, making polite, superficial smalltalk with B if necessary and focusing more on your other acquaintances and A.
Your issue with B isn't really relevant to the gathering, the purpose of which is to catch up with A, so if you're going to go, I wouldn't mention it to A in advance, or pointedly ignore B at the meal. I think this might shift the focus of the occasion in a way that would be unfair to A.
If you think it would be too difficult though, or if you anticipate a risk to your mental health, probably best to make your excuses, and try to see A another time if that's possible.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2018 13:28

OP - if she had, it's unlikely people would tell you, so you might not know. I've experienced something similar (not infidelity, but a betrayal by a friend), and you'd be surprised how unwilling people are to be honest with you about what's said behind your back. Even people who are good friends.

Even just saying 'I don't know', if she says this is a certain way, she'll be painting herself as the wronged victim of your unreasonable behaviour.

Good luck anyway, I hope you are able to go to the meal.

OliviaBenson · 23/07/2018 13:29

She has subtly though- claiming that she doesn't know why you won't speak to her, that just plants doubts into others minds, making her seem like a victim and you seeming to be unreasonable.

You are being very naive not to see that.

poobumwee · 23/07/2018 13:32

Sorry you have been treated in this way by a supposed friend and your DH. You sound like you are handling this very well, much better than I would and being very dignified. Really pleased to read that things are improving for you and your DH. I hope that continues.

I wouldn't go. I'd be too angry and would not want to risk losing my shit (but i'm very hot-headed). Reserving your energy to look after yourself, kids and relationship is far more positive!

poobumwee · 23/07/2018 13:34

Could you meet A just before the meal and leave before others arrive? Explain that you have plans later in the evening? So you can still catch up with him?

Pippylou · 23/07/2018 13:37

Yeah, but the issue here is that your primal brain could well take over from your rational brain and that doesn't end well. I speak from experience.

I would swerve the do itself and see if you can see A briefly.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/07/2018 13:44

It’s your decision @wellthis however I get the impression that you are protecting you as a couple.

I’m sorry you are prepared to have less of a friendship with A over it, as that is the reality. If I were A I’d think it odd to not go or be quieter than you do, and over time I’d probably not invite you as often but I could invite B as there seems to be no problem there.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/07/2018 13:49

I echo others in trying to meet A either before or after the meal if you're certain you don't want to tell him and that you don't want to be around her in such a small group.

BUT, if it were me I wouldn't want B's presence to stop me seeing someone I really wanted to see. What I would be afraid of is A wanting to facilitate some 'rapprochement' between you and B because he thinks it's all a 'simple misunderstanding' and the dinner is a good time to 'put you together to talk it out' or something.

I'd go, but beforehand I'd simply say "B crossed a line with my DH and that's why we no longer speak to her" and that DH acknowledged his part and the two of you have worked things out. Then I'd request to be seated as far away from her as I possibly could. I've had a meal in a small group with someone I absolutely despised (work thing) and although it was uncomfortable I managed to avoid speaking to her.

Don't let an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend be ruined by someone who is not worth your time.

speakingwoman · 23/07/2018 13:50

[flowers[ and empathy

User183737 · 23/07/2018 13:50

She hasnt had an affair with him though?? So what does the husband need to know about?
The term emotional affair is similar to 'chemical pregnancy'-not a pregnancy just something that might have been but wasnt. Yes HE shouldnt have got that close but its insulting to women whose husbands were sleeping around to suggest its the same. If you cant cope with it then dont go.

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 13:54

Unfortunately I can't meet A earlier, I'd be arriving at the meal a bit late (15ish minutes) anyway due to childcare/ DHs commute.

A is staying with B the night of the meal.

OP posts:
LyndseyKola · 23/07/2018 13:55

User if you’re ever the spouse whose partner had an emotional affair, I think you’ll look back and realise how silly and clueless your comment really is.

OP it's actually weird, I have told people what DH has done, and do so openly, I just don't name the other woman.

Are you frightened of B?

UpstartCrow · 23/07/2018 13:55

''A is aware we are not talking but does not know why.''

Is A involved in a well meaning attempt to patch things up between you and B?
I wouldn't go. I would say something like ''What happened was serious and can't be smoothed over.''

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 13:57

User183737 A previous partner actually had a one night stand, and it hurt so much less than this. The emotional betrayal was very, very raw.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 23/07/2018 13:57

This sounds awful - poor you.

It depends on how important A is to you. If they are important to you tell them and agree with them the best way for you to meet with A.

If you're not prepared to tell them it suggests they're not that important to you or you're protecting DH/OW in some way.

Boulshired · 23/07/2018 13:59

Once there is something like this in a group situation it usually lead to the splintering of the group. I have been the mutual friend and it’s difficult, one persons emotional affair is another persons shoulder to cry on. People usually with busy lives have time for their group of friends and not to arrange different events with individuals. Your DH booking a hotel room has gone beyond an emotional affair.

MissClareRemembers · 23/07/2018 14:00

I’m mightily impressed at the brass neck of B for going along to the meal knowing that there’s a chance you’d be there! And how uncomfortable for her DH. I wouldn’t go if it was me. It would be too awkward for me. I do wonder though if A might say something like, “such a shame Wellthis couldn’t make it” and then see the discomfort of B and husband and wonder what’s going on.

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 14:00

LyndseyKola no. Not sure where you got that from. In the contexts in which it has come up, most people don't even know her. One person does know her, and instantly knew who it was - he had ended his friendship with her due to similar issues.

OP posts:
User183737 · 23/07/2018 14:01

Im not getting into the ow aspect of it but he was more at fault. By not going youre making it a 'thing'. Which gives both of them power. Just go and hold your head up high

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 23/07/2018 14:03

They were getting ready to take the relationship, a relationship built on gaslighting and demeaning the OP to a sexual level just when the OP found out.

Of course it counts as affair, the intent was there, they were stopped at the last possible second.

I would tell A privately beforehand even if you have to do it via email or Skype and bow out.

You are clearly very upset still and I feel this won't end well.

Actually she may no show for fear of you being there. This has actually happened to me.

Something TERRIBLE happened between me and Friend B they were at Fault but I won't elaborate further.

Friend A knew, but invited us both to his event anyway even though he knew I didn't want to see Friend B.

Over my dead body would I have been in a room with B, and I cried off turns out B felt unable to face me because of what they'd done, and neither one of us went. I could have gone in peace - a lesson was learned by A then

This could happen here

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 14:04

UpstartCrow no, he's done that previously when first found out we weren't talking. I put hi right then. This is simply wanting to see as many of his friends as possible on a flying visit.

I thin if there were more people I knew going then I'd be happier to go, as I'd have others to talk to, but I don't.

Boulshired yes, we have withdrawn from the friendship group, which has actually allowed for others to re-evaluate their relationships within the group. It's been interesting, but DH and I have both commented that we don't actually miss it. When it all happened I was devastated that we'd have to split from the group, it really hasn't been that hard at all.

OP posts:
LyndseyKola · 23/07/2018 14:05

It just seems odd, like you’re protecting her. Even if people you’ve told don’t know her, it would seem strange not to say ‘you remember that couple we went on holiday with? Her’ to add a bit of context rather than just not saying anything at all. As I imagine most people would at least say whether it was a friend or colleague or whatever.

It’s just the fact you’re thinking of not going coupled with the fact you’ve kept her identity private at times, she doesn’t deserve that so I wondered whether there’s something else going on there, whether she has some dirt on you or DH or is scaring you in some way.

Mix56 · 23/07/2018 14:06

I recently had to eat in a restaurant with a woman I despise. I made sure I was not sat opposite or next to her, unfortunately people moved around & she ended up sitting next to me. I had a great evening, I spoke exclusively to the people in my right & opposite (ie all the women) I did not speak to or look at her once, she was invisible. (& silent)
Globally a good evening. for me

I would indeed tell A that you have had a parting of ways with B. if he asks what, just tell the truth. You are not looking to repare the friendship
you are only there to see A,

ClaryFray · 23/07/2018 14:07

Youve forgiven your dh I'm sure you can have a civilised meal with the ow.

LyndseyKola · 23/07/2018 14:07

Also she’s got a bloody brass neck to be considering going even with you there, with her husband too! Which suggest she knows she has some power over you/more power in the situation than you. Why isn’t she nervous to be around you? Why is it the other way around?

By not going youre making it a 'thing'. Which gives both of them power. Just go and hold your head up high

What’s this obsession with appearing cool and fine with everything? Nobody is making it a thing, it IS a thing! A thing where OP’s DH betrayed her in the worst way imaginable and she is still with him trying to piece things back together. It already is a thing. Subjecting herself to this meal doesn’t un-thing it 😂