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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meal out with OW and mutual friend

182 replies

Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:19

WWYD?

A friend (A) who lives abroad is in the UK for a few days and is in my city for a night. He has organised a meal out to catch up with as many friends as possible on that day. I have been invited.

Also invited is my ex-best friend (B), who had an emotional affair (which would have turned physical had I not found out when I did) with my DH whilst I was in the grip of PND and PTSD. She is attending (with her husband) my DH will be remaining at home to look after DS (he does not know A as well as me). Due to the short notice and venue only about 7 people are going, including B, her husband and A.

I want to see A, and won’t have another opportunity, possibly for more than 12 months. But the thought of sitting at a table with B all night and being forced to make polite conversation fills me with dread. Due to having mutual friends I have seen a couple of times since (the incident came to ahead about 18months ago) but have been able to just avoid her and not speak to her at all (I just blank her), but in such an intimate setting I won’t be able to do that without making things very uncomfortable for A.

A is aware we are not talking but does not know why.

WWYD? Go and make nice for a chance to see A, or make excuses?

OP posts:
raisedbyguineapigs · 23/07/2018 11:52

Sorry x post. Hope your husband is paying too. That was a terrible thing to do to the woman who had just had his baby and the ultimate betrayal meaning you now have fewer friends because of him Flowers

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:52

Shortstuff08 I've made other, better friends. Don't worry. It actually pushed me in to getting a circle of my own friends, rather than the group of "couple friends" we were part of. it did the same for DH to, so our relationship generally is much healthier as we have more friends of our own and not the weird co-dependent relationships which resulted in this situation.

OP posts:
ichifanny · 23/07/2018 11:53

No fucking way I’d be going and sitting at the same table as her , I’d tell your grimes why you can’t go , I’m not sure why you kept it secret either allowing them off scot free while you dealt with the pain .

InfiniteVariety · 23/07/2018 11:53

Her husband then must have noticed your friendship with his wife has ended and will have wanted to know why? She surely could not have fobbed him off with saying she doesn't know so presumably he will be uncomfortable on this evening out as well as you.

LilacIris · 23/07/2018 11:53

I suspect that if your ex friend knows why you aren’t talking to her, she would not be willing to take her DH to an intimate meal to sit with you if he doesn’t know what happened.

catlady34 · 23/07/2018 11:59

You should tell her husband

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 12:00

Re her DH, my DH told him he had inappropriately booked a hotel for them and that he was sorry for that (we were 'couples' friends, have been on holidays as couples etc, so pretty close). Her DH knows her well, knows her past form. she's also a master manipulator, has convinced everyone (including me for a while) that she's "just tactile" whilst sitting on other men's knees, holding their hands, snuggling up to them, tickling them etc. Anyone who has objected has been ostracised as 'uptight' and incapable of seeing that men and women can be 'just' friends. She also blames her childhood abuse for her flirty and inappropriate behaviour.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 23/07/2018 12:01

Surely it depends how much you want to see A? And none of us can answer that.
It's been over a year. You're working through it with your DH. I wouldn't 'make nice' with the OW but I wouldn't miss an evening with A because of her.

CookPassBabtridge · 23/07/2018 12:09

I just wouldn't go, you could maybe see him for an hr beforehand? Don't put yourself through that, and don't blame you for cutting ties.. she's not a friend worth having.

Porridgeprincess · 23/07/2018 12:11

I would not go personally as I would find that very distressing and unneeded .

CoffeeOrSleep · 23/07/2018 12:11

I understand not wanting to make it public, but I would tell A as to why you aren't talking to B and see if you could meet for a drink before the meal.

BaronessBlonde · 23/07/2018 12:12

OP it sounds as if you are in a stronger place. Well done for getting through it.

For me, there would be a stubborn streak that simply would not miss out on meeting my friend due to the actions of OW.
If the truth must out, then it's better out. People will choose to believe what they want to believe.. which may not be you, but so what?
Hopefully, they(observers) will never have reason to learn that you are right.

I would gird my loins and go.

Spaghettijumper · 23/07/2018 12:12

I understand why you don't want to tell people but I don't think you're doing yourself any favours - you're risking damaging your friendship with A and preventing yourself from seeing a good friend, all to avoid someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about you. In your shoes I'd tell A what happened, and tell him that you'd rather not be around B. It's then up to him if he wants to tell B to fuck off (I would).

As for your 'D'H, what a fucking dickhead.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/07/2018 12:16

Honestly I would tell A. The value of doing that is going to help you more than your need for privacy. This is because:

  • you need to hold onto to all your friends. Friendships are very precious.
  • you need to feel it is not a secret. Secrets will damage you and protect those who have hurt you.
  • you need your friend to be aware if she also has a friendship. The dynamics of a group will be evident like in this case, it always get bought to light. Even if you didn’t say, there would be a gradual erosion of your strong bonds to friends who know her.

Please tell her. Or basically further isolate yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong.

diddl · 23/07/2018 12:18

" my DH told him he had inappropriately booked a hotel for them "

Them being your husband & B?

If you told A might they be able to meet you before/after the meal for a catch up?

Sausagerollers · 23/07/2018 12:22

Message the OW and explain that you will be attending and that you've decided to be very open with everyone as to why you've stopped speaking to her.
Explain that you will be asking her in front of everyone why she felt she had the right to treat a new mum with PND and a supposed friend with such little care & respect.
Tell her if she wants to avoid that conversation in public then she should stay at home, but if she does turn up then keep your word & challenge her on her behaviour.
Explain to A what has happened as well and he may dis-invite her anyway.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about, so be open and speak up.

Birdsgottafly · 23/07/2018 12:22

""As much as I said before I wouldn't go, I'd be very tempted to go and put all my cards on the table.""

You would look like the prize dickhead for still sharing a bed with your adulterer Husband, but can't share a room with the possible OW.

It seems that people would love her marriage to be ended, I've seen attacks on OW lately, in the News, whilst the Husbands, are let off. There is always double standards in attitude towards OW.

OP your 'friend' didn't betray you more than your Husband did, you are thinking distortedly, if you think that.

I would go. If she tried to speak to me, i would follow her into the toilets, or get her to one side and tell her that I would make a show, if she continued.

Fivelittleduckies · 23/07/2018 12:22

If it were me, I’d cancel last minute with sick child excuse, and very sorry to miss out etc etc

If you don’t wish to share what has happened with other friends you have every right to keep it private.

Trinity66 · 23/07/2018 12:23

Tell OW not to go or else you will her DH about the EA with your DH (if he doesn't know already) Grin

andonandonitgoesadnauseum · 23/07/2018 12:26

I think you shouldn’t go but should message A with the truth. Anything less will sadly make him/her think that you don’t really value them which would be a shame.

JingsMahBucket · 23/07/2018 12:28

I don't understand what the value is in telling Friend A? Why does that person have to know? Can other posters explain that to me please? I genuinely think it's not anyone else's business and it would put A in a weird and awkward position when they're just to have a fun dinner with friends. Save that drama for a private phone call after the meal, if necessary.

Honestly, if I were you, I would just go and blank her like normal. Enjoy the conversation with the other 4 or 5 people (depending on if you want to speak to B's husband or not). If she asks you a question just give a curt answer with smile and quickly move onto another subject or flick the question over to another person. If you decide to still interact with B's husband then it'll actually look like you're not ignoring her at all since you'll be talking in her general direction.

Why should you miss out on an opportunity to see your real friend, A, just because B will be there? That's not fair and I agree with a PP poster saying to be sure you're not isolating yourself from the actual good people in your life. Good luck. :)

ohfourfoxache · 23/07/2018 12:29

I think you need to tell A. You don’t want him thinking you just “don’t want to meet up” as he could take it as a snub. I’m sure he’ll understand if you tell him

LuvMyBubbles · 23/07/2018 12:31

I wouldn’t go
Too much for you
But I would also tell friend so she is not upset

JingsMahBucket · 23/07/2018 12:31

Whatever you do, don't do what Sausagerollers suggested. That sounds batshit and like you're looking for drama. Let your friend enjoy their back to the UK in peace. Jeebus.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 23/07/2018 12:35

I think you have to tell your friend. They’re a good friend and deserve to know. I’m sure they will understand and maybe arrange another time. Otherwise you run the risk of her being with them all evening and running her mouth off with her version of events. And fuck that shit.

If your friend is close and you tell them you want no drama I’m sure they will listen to you. But if you bow out and she gets in with her version it might damage your friendship.

Take care. Glad you’re feeling stronger Flowers