To have more children in these circumstances?

[LightningAndLove]

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

Well would you be changing your job? If not no I wouldn't have more dc.

If I were your DDs I’d feel INCREDIBLY rejected that you had enough time for a baby but not enough time for them to live with you

Who is going to mind the baby if you return to work? Why don't your DC live with you and DH more if he is home?

Unless you’re changing your job and having them more, your DD’s will be unbelievably hurt. They’ll feel pushed aside and like they weren’t important enough to stay home for but now you have a new family that is worth it.
They may not feel that way of course but how could they feel anything other than rejected and hurt?

YABVU. You've admitted you don't have time for your current DC due to your work commitments so gave custody to their dad. How ypdo you think they would feel about you having more children? When they reach adulthood and realise the full extent of that decision you may have no relationship with them whatsoever.

When I was in a similar situation, dp and I decided not to have a child. My existing dc took priority.

If you don’t have time to be a parent to the children you have, how will you be able to parent new children?

I'm echoing what others say. You openly admit you haven't got time to parent your existing children. Why you would add a baby to that mix is beyond me (unless you were planning ti change your jobs and increase time with your existing children).

Sorry you sound extremely selfish.
Your poor girls, do brace yourself for the fact they'll probably want little to do with you in the future.

who would look after the baby ? You don’t actually sound in a position to have another baby

Not sure these answers would be quite the same if the op was a man...

If you were on maternity leave would you also see more of your existing DCs? Would you change your job so you also see your new DC(s) during the week and / or would your new partner be able to step up as main carer?

If the answer to the above is yes, then I can't see why your situation is any different from the dads who have children in a second relationship - in fact if you see them every weekend it's more.custody than many separated fathers - yet threads aren't full of mners telling them off.

Personally I think that any second family is hard, but that's a family decision. I think the chorus of horror above though reflects sexism as much as concern about step families.

Men do this all the time and no.one bats an eyelid.

Changing jobs isn't really an option as it would mean either taking a massive pay drop, in which case we'd barely be able to pay our bills never mind think about having more children, or working away for longer at a time - 3 months on, 3 months off or longer.

Dh works freelance and mostly from home so our plan would be for me to go back to work asap ( though hopefully working more from base and at more local sites for the first few months) and fir dh to take a career break for the first year.

How would it work though? OK so you would have mat leave when the baby is born but what is your plan for childcare when you return to work after that?

I think if you are going to have another DC you would have to change your lifestyle first and arrange more regular 50:50 care of your existing DC, Otherwise they would feel like they weren't important enough for you to change your plans and look after them but you love the new sibling enough to do it for them.

I think it’s madness with your job commitments. Even if your dh took a year off, what about after that?

In your circumstances I wouldn’t sorry (as youre not considering changing your job) You don’t have enough time with your two children but you want to have another?

My answer wouldn’t be different if a man posted.

I would say the same thing. If you barely see the children you have, you shouldn’t be having more.

In your current situation, I wouldn’t consider having a goldfish, nevermind a child.

Not sure these answers would be quite the same if the op was a man...
I think they would.

Situation A:
I am a non resident parent. My children live with the resident parent 5 days a week and spend every other weekend with me. We also do some after schools. Me and resident parent coparent well and both play full parts in the children's lives. I'm thinking of starting a family with DP but obviously don't want my existing children to feel jealous. Would it be mad to starr TTC and how do we ensure my DC don't feel put out?

Situation B: I am non resident parent. I decided to be a non resident parent because it was easier on my job and commitments. I see the children some weekends and as and when i can but I'm away lots with work. Because of work I don't really spend enough time with my DC but it's fine because they can come round when I'm around. I really want a baby with DP but I'm still super busy. Is it bad to want a baby?

The sex of the parent is irrelevant to the advice.

Think about what's best for your existing DCs and do that.

What about after the first year once DH career break is over?

Just because men do it all the times, doesn’t make it right, or mean those children aren’t effected. I know, I was one of those children and I did feel pushed out.

You need to devote more time to your existing children first.

What? What about all the men who work from home and only see their kids on weekends?! Are they terrible fathers for working away to pay the bills and the money their kids need?
MN is astonishingly full of double standards.
OP, only you know the answer. Why not ask your girls what they think?