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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have more children in these circumstances?

325 replies

LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:01

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 22/07/2018 23:09

'However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of. '

As I said sort your first dc's first.

Ihuntmonsters · 22/07/2018 23:09

OP how long have you been separated from your children's father and how long have you been with your current dh? It sounds as if you are effectively co-parenting with your ex and your children have a stable life where they spend time with both of you. Assuming that your new dh is going to be the primary carer of any new children and that your ex will continue to be the primary carer for your existing children then this is not an unusual scenario, just with reversed sexes.

I'd only be concerned if your children have had lots of change to adapt to so that this could be one change too many, if your husband was not able to or did not wish to be the primary parent, or if introducing a new baby would mean your existing children lost out significantly (ie if they no longer were able to have regular one to one time with you).

Kardashianlove · 22/07/2018 23:10

when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of. Does this not give you your answer?

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 22/07/2018 23:10

Tell that to the girls, distance. All they’re going to see is that Mum loves the new baby enough to have him/her live with them.

morekidsthanhands · 22/07/2018 23:11

At what point has op said she doesn't have time for her existing children or is bored of them?!
She also hasn't abandoned them to start a new family. Jesus Christ.
And I imagine potential baby's father will pick them up from childcare if his job is more traditional 9-5? What with him being it's parent and everything.

Ghanagirl · 22/07/2018 23:11

isitfridayyet1
For all those saying answers would be different if it were a man, let's get real here - biologically men still can't get pregnant so it's not the same thing! Put your existing children first please. Yes men do this all the time, go off and have second families however it still doesn't make it fair for the existing children who didn't ask for the situation to happen.
Agree with this if equality means both parents neglecting small children I’m not interested...
Just don’t have any more when you can’t support or spend time with the ones who exist already.
This is applicable to both parents!!

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 22/07/2018 23:12

Man or woman if you choose your career over your kids to this degree you shouldn’t even contemplate having more.

Shambu · 22/07/2018 23:15

I think if you want to have another child then you need to change the custody arrangements to 50:50. Which would mean you'd need to change your job.

Anything else and your dds will feel incredibly hurt and rejected. And your relationship may never recover.

Original poster
LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 23:17

Dh and I have been together for almost 5 years now.

My career doesn't come before my children.
I was young when I had them and I few qualifications. I was lucky to get a job that meant I was able to provide for them.

Even now any other job that I am qualified for would mean being away from them for even longer at a time or taking such a massive drop in wages that I would barely be able to provide for them.

OP posts:
Kolo · 22/07/2018 23:20

So are we saying that, for a person whose marriage broke up, children live with the other parent, got remarried, it’s unreasonable to have any children with a new partner? It’s selfish and the kids will hate them? Because this happens all the time. It’s just usually the mum who gets custody. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of a man being interrogated about having more children in a new relationship the way this mum has! Probably because a man wouldn’t even ask.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 22/07/2018 23:23

It’s more the away most of the week that is the issue tbh

Snowysky20009 · 22/07/2018 23:23

No offence OP but why bring another child into the mix you will rarely see each week? I also do believe your dc will resent the new baby, because they will live with you, but they didn't. People can say that men do this all they want, but children learn from school that mum's are often the resident parent or they share custody 50/50, it will bring up questions for them, as to why you didn't.

Penguin34 · 22/07/2018 23:24

How do you feel about being away from your new baby half the week?
How do you feel about being away from your other children half the week now?
Can you cope with having another child you only see half the time? Can they?

I can understand why you'd want a family with your new husband but this job really is the only job you could possibly have? It doesn't sound like it's amazing if a pay cut would mean you can only just about pay the bills?
With that in mind how would you pay the bills when you're on mat leave unless you will be getting paid 100% of your earnings.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 22/07/2018 23:25

The added stress on a relationship where one parent works away most of the week while the other parent does all the parenting may also cause stresses that you and DH can’t anticipate in your discussions now too.

Kolo · 22/07/2018 23:27

OP, I’m sure every child whose NR parent has a new child with a new partner feels some sort of loss, pushed out and replaced. But your daughters wouldn’t be the first children it’s happened to. I think you could work really hard to minimise this; really involve the girls in planning for the baby. Have them heavily involved once the baby is here. Perhaps they could/would visit more often while your away to see their new sibling with your DH?

limitedscreentime · 22/07/2018 23:33

I think regardless of whether you are male or female the question is really where do your priorities lie? With the children you already have, or with what you/DH want?

Your current DC will suffer and feel pushed out. Maybe there are things you can do to try and rectify this. Its a balance only you can work out. Either way I think it’s important that your girls still have free access to your house (and even when you are not there - it needs to be their home too).

Remember also you have teeenage years coming up. They will use your house as a refuge when they’ve fallen out with dad and vice versa. How will this sit with having a toddler at home?

yorkshireyummymummy · 22/07/2018 23:34

I can’t understand why you want another child.
You already have two who don’t live with you, who haven’t lived with you since they were just 3 years old and 1 year old. I don’t understand how you could have let a single day pass without seeing your one year old. A one year old is still a baby and you let her and her sister live with your ex. I’m racking my brain but I don’t think I know of a single woman who I know who could have let her ex husband have primary care of her children while she chased her career.
You MUST have known what the working hours would be in your chosen career but you still chose to persue that path knowing it would take you away from thechildren you already had.

So, I ask again - why do you want a child?
You run a huge risk of giving your daughters huge amounts of emotional baggage to drag through life with them if you choose to have another baby. I’m honestly so so shocked at how you can contemplate having another child when you don’t live with the ones you have. I know children have two parents blah blah but I think most mums agree that a baby needs it’s mummy to do the primary care fir at least the first year. That’s why we have breasts that make milk and men don’t.

Don’t have another baby while you write things like ‘ I will go back to work ASAP ‘ as you seem to prioritise your career much higher than anychildren you have/ think you might have.
Who are you wanting this child for? Because it’s clearly not yourself.

StaplesCorner · 22/07/2018 23:35

I can't get my head around this. I've sat and typed out so many replies and I just cant ... why? Why do you want another child? Beyond giving birth to it, what involvement will you have? Will it be able to pop round and see you too?!

Cindie943811A · 22/07/2018 23:36

OP if your DH is happy with the child care arrangements for his potential child then go ahead with . The current arrangements with ex have worked for a number of years and all parties seem happy with it so there’s absolutely no reason to change them. I don’t think DDs will see the arrangement in the same judgmental way as some posters here. — to them this is normal life. If you are worried about their thoughts on the matter of a new baby, then before you ttc then ask them casually how they’d feel about a new brother or sister one day. Depending on their reaction, which may be very positive, you will know how to proceed.
Presumably you love your DH and have the natural desire to share a child and provided you can meet your new child’s needs it is nobody’s business whether you have another baby.
Good luck

StaplesCorner · 22/07/2018 23:37

I was lucky to get a job that meant I was able to provide for them - but most mums provide actual care as well as money!

trojanpony · 22/07/2018 23:41

Ex's house is literally a two minute walk from mine and they have lived with him since they were 1 and 3 so them coming to live with me would be a unfair on ex and accomplish nothing

Why bother posting? You have clearly made up your mind and are seeking validationthwt what you are proposing is “okay”.
It’s really not...

NotUmbongoUnchained · 22/07/2018 23:42

God sake OP everyone knows a woman’s place is chained to the home until the little darling are 18...

I’m away most of the week and my kids do live with me. But if me and my husband were to split, we would discuss who would be around more. Totally agree that the only reason you’re getting flamed is because you are female. No one would think twice about a man who sees his kids every other weekend having a new baby with his wife. You see your kids more than most NR parents do.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 22/07/2018 23:42

You must be a bit simple to not see the issue, tbh.

Purpleartichoke · 22/07/2018 23:44

If you can support your family on your salary and have a partner willing to do the bulk of the parenting, I think it’s a reasonable time to have a baby.

Addressing it with your older children is going to take commitment. Even if you had a 50-50 custody split, they might feel replaced by a new sibling who lives with you full time. At the very least, I would not let it cut into what time you do share with them.

StaplesCorner · 22/07/2018 23:45

everyone knows a woman’s place is chained to the home until the little darling are 18... no, but it would be nice if a mother stayed with her child for 18 months

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