Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have more children in these circumstances?

325 replies

LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:01

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

OP posts:
Freshfeelings · 22/07/2018 23:45

So are we saying that, for a person whose marriage broke up, children live with the other parent, got remarried, it’s unreasonable to have any children with a new partner? It’s selfish and the kids will hate them?

Being frank - most of the time, yes. It's a selfish decision to have a new family with a new partner, not one taken in your existing children's best interests. That's fine - people do selfish things all the time, but don't pretend it's not selfish and that it's not painful for the existing children.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 22/07/2018 23:46

Why? I went back to work when my son was 6 weeks. Shall I call social services or do you want to do it?

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 22/07/2018 23:46

purple none of the children will live with her full time.

Original poster
LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 23:47

Yorkshire, I didn't let my ex have the children so I could chase my career.
Their father and I agreed that he would be the better carer as had a supportive family and could offer them stability.
At the time we split I had no family here that I could get help from, no money and no way of ensuring I could offer them a stable home.

OP posts:
Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 22/07/2018 23:47

You said yourself you don’t feel like you see your other children enough... fix that first and then decide wether or not having another child is feasible.

I know fathers are perfectly able to have primary custody but I can’t understand or fathom not seeing my 1 year old and 3 year old every night for bedtime or every day at that. And for a career is mindboggling to me. At the end of the day you chose that career and as the situation stands I do think it will be selfish to have another baby.

DistanceCall · 22/07/2018 23:48

The amount of sexism on this thread is breathtaking.

The OP's daughters are nor neglected. The OP is not bored of them. It was decided, a few years ago, that the most suitable option for everyone involved was for the children to live in their father's house around the corner, which is two minutes away. The girls go to their mother's house all the time.

Now the OP has a new partner and they want to have a child together (as perhaps the OP's ex has a child with a new partner, and perhaps because the OP's new partner has no children and wants to have one).

The OP may change her working hours, or perhaps her partner will be the primary caretaker. The OP has stated that it's probably best for her daughters' stability if the situation remains as it is - which is essentially that they are in both of their parents' houses whenever they wish.

As long as you make your children feel included in the whole baby think so that they are excited and happy about it, OP, I really don't see what the fucking problem is. Ignore the domestic servitude brigade.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 22/07/2018 23:49

The op has said earlier in thread that her hours won’t change in the future distance

Happyland8 · 22/07/2018 23:52

As someone who is married to a soldier, I do the lion's share of bringing up the children. If DH & I separated and down the line he met someone else and they wanted to have a child together, then I'm sure that's what they'd do.

I've seen this happen to many of the soldiers and no one bats an eyelid.

Life is not perfect and in this day & age, many marriages end and parents end up in new relationships. Women often work away just as much as men do and it's becoming less uncommon for men to do most of the childcare.

I think you need to do what makes you & your family happy OP. Speak with your daughters and ask them how they'd feel hypothetically. It's obviously important to make their feelings a huge priority, but for all we know, they may feel excited about the prospect of a younger sibling.

I definitely think there is some sexism on this thread.

DistanceCall · 22/07/2018 23:55

The op has said earlier in thread that her hours won’t change in the future distance

Well, she has a partner and an ex who are perfectly capable of being the main carers, aren't they?

Thatssomebadhatharry · 23/07/2018 00:02

Your baby was living away from you at 12months? I find that shocking tbh.

Ihearttheholidays · 23/07/2018 00:02

I'm surprised at the comments. I don't think it's uncommon for a working parent to see their DC at weekends. Not sure why op is being judged. That said I would do everything I could to rearrange work or finances to free up some time. I'd say that for both mother or father, particularly once separated. It's sad to miss all of their everyday lives. I'm guessing for some that's a financial necessity rather than choice.

I most definitely would not have another child and give my current children even less of my time. I also wouldn't want my children to have a sibling that has a bigger part in my life than they do. Again I find that sad whether it's mum or dad who has more children.

Mariatequila · 23/07/2018 00:03

Agree with @DistanceCall the amount of sexism on here is quite frankly gross. You should be ashamed of yourselves! It may not be something you would choose to do but it’s not about you, it’s about treating women the same as men & suggesting ways to positively support a divorced family.
this is why women have breasts oh do fuck off.. funnily enough I bottle fed both of mine & they’re fine & I know plenty of fathers who are better parents than the mother!
@staples she sees them more than most nr parents, she provides care, but it’s not primary care, guaranteed if she was a man your opinion would be very different.

Mariatequila · 23/07/2018 00:05

Your baby was living away from you at 12months? I find that shocking tbh. what is shocking? That relationships don’t work out? Or that their main carer is -shock horror- their father? 🙄

Coyoacan · 23/07/2018 00:06

I understand people saying that there would not be the same criticism for a man in the boat, however the world is as we find it and children do seem to feel the absence of a mother more than the absence of a father for some reason. So OP's children would probably have a huge problem with this, even if it is not pc.

I know my dd found it hard to see how her father lavished toys and clothes on her half-sister when he never bought anything for her.

Ihearttheholidays · 23/07/2018 00:06

Your baby was living away from you at 12months? I find that shocking tbh

What do you think happens when parents separate? Of course they have time apart from DC. Likewise when a parent works full time in a job with long hours they sometimes see little of DC on week days. I'm sure lots of them wish they had less time away from their children.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 23/07/2018 00:06

If you get pregnant and have anything like HG how will you continue to function financially if you have to work away to be on an even keel?

DistanceCall · 23/07/2018 00:07

That their main carer is -shock horror- their father

I think a lot of women - many of whom would even describe themselves as feminists - really cannot wrap their heads around this. Sad and shameful, but true.

Passingwords · 23/07/2018 00:13

You've come on here to say you feel guilty that you don't see your 2 x dcs enough and are asking for opinion as to whether it's reasonable to make it worse by having another that you won't see enough of either, if all things stay the same.
It's obvious

Freshfeelings · 23/07/2018 00:13

I don't think redressing sexism should be about saying it's fine for women to engage in the same shitty, selfish, post-split behaviour as men. It should be about holding men more accountable for those behaviours too.

And, regardless, you can be as PC as you like but it won't change the reality of the way two little girls will feel when their mum lives with her new baby and not them.

BakedBeans47 · 23/07/2018 00:18

The sex of the parent is irrelevant to the advice.

I agree, but if it was a man posting I am sure there would be plenty of posters assuming the mother would just step up to be default parent.

It’s a very personal decision OP. Given it’s all amicable between you and your ex and the girls sound happy and well cared for and adjusted I am not sure why they’d feel resentful x

Thatssomebadhatharry · 23/07/2018 00:18

I find it shocking because I have had a baby of 12months and another approaching this age. The idea of them not living with me makes me feel ill. Hence why I said I FIND this shocking. I don’t have to even explain this it’s how I feel.

ThriceThriceThice · 23/07/2018 00:19

Wow - just wow. I have no words for the sexism on this thread.

Op has describe a fully functioning relationship with her children as the non-resident parent. She has a good relationship with her ex. This is better than 90% of ex-custody / divorce relationships

OP - have a child with your husband if you want to and the support is there. Understand that your other children may be jealous at first, and make allowances. They may also come to love and appreciate their extended family. Good luck

BakedBeans47 · 23/07/2018 00:20

Sort their care out first

She has.

BakedBeans47 · 23/07/2018 00:26

Wow - just wow. I have no words for the sexism on this thread

Likewise. I could weep tbh.

This place is full of women giving up work to be SAHMs to facilitate men who work crazy hours and barely ever see their DC and no one bats an eyelid but woe betide a mother who contemplated a vaguely similar scenario

TheClaws · 23/07/2018 00:27

Let’s break this one down! 1. Yes, Obama did know, and he did try to do something about it. Many things. This is well known. 2. He did tell the Trump campaign, including Trump himself. 3. If it is a hoax, all of this tweet is nonsense anyway, as the events wouldn’t have occurred. 4. Enough with the “Crooked Hillary!” That’s more asinine by the day.

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Following Following @realDonaldTrump
More
So President Obama knew about Russia before the Election. Why didn’t he do something about it? Why didn’t he tell our campaign? Because it is all a big hoax, that’s why, and he thought Crooked Hillary was going to win!!!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.