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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have more children in these circumstances?

325 replies

LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:01

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

OP posts:
FASH84 · 22/07/2018 22:46

Sorry so many typos hope you get the gist

OurMiracle1106 · 22/07/2018 22:47

The thing is existing children do feel pushed aside and rejected when a father has more kids so why would it be different for the OP?

Especially if she later changes career for the new baby and Even if OP doesn’t her DDs are going to have to share what limited time she already has with a baby- which will require a lot of time and attention thus taking mummy away from them

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 22/07/2018 22:48

The sex of the NRP is irrelevant. If you send your children to live with the other parent as your career is more important then you've already told them they are second best. Adding more children to that when you didn't want to be there for the existing ones is awful, whether male or female.

Original poster
LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:48

Ex's house is literally a two minute walk from mine and they have lived with him since they were 1 and 3 so them coming to live with me would be a unfair on ex and accomplish nothing

OP posts:
Mariatequila · 22/07/2018 22:48

@maisypops
The only difference between 2 & 3 is your assumptions why the op has done it & honestly the Op is none of your scenarios.
The girls live with their father because OP thought it would be best for them, she’s already explained this.

AnxiousPeg · 22/07/2018 22:49

They know they don't have time to see their existing children...

Whoa! Is this what's being said? Or does OP see her children more than your average non-resident father does?!

MyOtherProfile · 22/07/2018 22:49

You already have 2 dc who don't even live with you. Sort their care out first
Their care is already sorted. That much is clear in the 1st post.

Pitapotamus · 22/07/2018 22:49

If you’re able to reverse the traditional roles and for dh to do the majority of the childcare when you are not around then I can’t see a problem.

If you were a man and your DH was a woman no one would bat an eyelid at you having more children in the circumstances you describe.

DistanceCall · 22/07/2018 22:50

If you send your children to live with the other parent as your career is more important then you've already told them they are second best.

The OP's children live with their father because it was the option that suited everyone best at the time. And they are two fucking minutes away from their mother's house, and go there all the time. That doesn't mean remotely that they are second best.

LilQueenie · 22/07/2018 22:51

I think the decision is do you and your partner want children more than your current career. One or the other. It be unfair to try both. Just because the child will grow up not seeing you much doesn't mean they will not have a life where they wished more time with you. Think of the child.

CoolCarrie · 22/07/2018 22:51

You really need to speak to your children about this.

Cornishclio · 22/07/2018 22:54

I think it depends on whether you feel that you will be able to cope with a quite demanding job, your daughters and a new baby. Yes you obviously have a lot of support from your ex who has your DDs living with him and your DH will be able to care for the baby but it is still lots of demands on your time as the mum.

I think people are unfairly giving you grief about your DDs residential status with your ex considering you live only 2 minutes walk away and presumably see them a lot when you are not working away. It is non conventional for the woman to do it but in these days of equality I don't see why it is any different than the dad working away lots and only seeing the kids at weekend. We don't live in the 1950s. How do you think they will feel about you having another baby? Will they still have a bedroom at your house if you have more children?

CocoaGin70 · 22/07/2018 22:54

You have two children that don't live with you and you want more?

They will hate you. It's really that simple.

Mindchilder · 22/07/2018 22:55

My dad worked away Mon-Friday when I was little and I saw him at weekends and it was fine, not even that unusual surely?

I don't see the problem - children looked after by one parent during the week, going to school/nursery, seeing other parent at the weekend.

balletbonkers · 22/07/2018 22:57

I was one of two siblings left with our df whilst my 'd'm went on to create a new family with someone else. I felt extremely jealous and abandoned and ultimately it ruined the relationship. We're NC now.

balletbonkers · 22/07/2018 22:59

I'm glad to hear so many others saying yabu, my dm thought it was perfectly ok. It wasn't.

Flatearthersphere · 22/07/2018 22:59

Your existing children will feel pushed out and resent your baby.. If your career is the priority why have more children? Sad.

DistanceCall · 22/07/2018 23:01

You have two children that don't live with you and you want more?

They will hate you. It's really that simple.

So - all children of divorced parents who don't live with their fathers and whose fathers go on to have other children hate their fathers? Really?

Timeisslippingaway · 22/07/2018 23:01

I'm not sure why someone asked? why the children font live with the OP DH while she is away. Eh because their dad lives just round the corner, wtf? Why wpuld they not stay with their father, who they and the OP seem to have a good relationship with.
If you were a male OP no one would think twice about you having another child in this situation, infact men do it all the time and no one thinks they are selfish for working away a few days a week to provide for their family.

LostwithSawyer · 22/07/2018 23:01

Your children will resent you. Maybe not now or even in a year's time but I can assure you it will happen when they're older.
My mother had me and my sibling got bored went onto someone else then had 2 more.
Trouble is she wasn't particularly interested in the 2 she already had. She had no business having 2 more.
It seems your trying to convince yourself it's ok to have another baby.
Personally I think you should put all your energy into the 2 kids you already have.
Be a better parent to them.

DistanceCall · 22/07/2018 23:03

My mother had me and my sibling got bored went onto someone else then had 2 more.
Trouble is she wasn't particularly interested in the 2 she already had.
She had no business having 2 more.

That was your mother. Doesn't sound like the OP is bored of her children at all.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 22/07/2018 23:05

If you intend on carrying on with same job YABVU

LostwithSawyer · 22/07/2018 23:06

Maybe not. But it does sound like she's trying to convince herself.

Freshfeelings · 22/07/2018 23:08

It's often very hard on children when the parent they don't live with starts a new family. It's like they are the 'real' happy family together and the non resident children are outsiders - visitors - into their parent's life. I can only imagine that that would be hugely magnified if the non resident parent is the mother, the children are girls and the mother has elected not to live with them. You can bleat all you like about 'why is this different for women' but that won't make a difference to girls growing up without their mum full time and then seeing her choose to raise another child.

chickedychicked · 22/07/2018 23:09

If i was your daughter although I'd try to understand I would actually end up resenting you and my half sibling.
And that's whether you were my mother or father no difference.

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