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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have more children in these circumstances?

325 replies

LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:01

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

OP posts:
Oly5 · 22/07/2018 22:31

*men who work away from home

VimFuego101 · 22/07/2018 22:33

Does your DH want to be the 'main parent'? I think your existing children will feel rejected if you do this, in the same way that children struggle with seeing their NRP full time parenting another child.

Basta · 22/07/2018 22:33

I think it would probably only work for everyone if your daughters came to live with you. Then you could show that you have time for them and a new baby. Showing them that you are willing to make time for a new child but not them is bound to cause problems in your relationship with them, possibly very severe ones.

AnxiousPeg · 22/07/2018 22:33

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the answers would be different if OP was a man. Not saying they should be... but they would be.

Because everyone would assume the new wife would do all the childcare.

CoolCarrie · 22/07/2018 22:34

No
HTH

KarmaStar · 22/07/2018 22:34

Your two children would feel rejected.you don't have time for them yet you want another baby?
You really need to be putting your two dc first op.

bobstersmum · 22/07/2018 22:35

Would the child go to some kind of nursery boarding school Mon to Fri? Or would you employ a nanny? You'll never see the kid so why have one?

morekidsthanhands · 22/07/2018 22:36

Hold on this is bollocks. Op says she sees her girls most weekends and as and when in the week. That's more than an every other weekend dad! A man in your situation would not be judged in the slightest for having another child and neither should you!

I would say maybe save for a bit to allow for a longer maternity leave though.

RoboJesus · 22/07/2018 22:36

You need to make sure your kids would be ok with it. If you're husband is going to be the stay at home parent that's not you prioritising a new child so I could see that working. I would not have another child unless the current kids are secure with everything though. They come first no matter what.

Original poster
LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:37

After dh goes back work the baby would be in nursery probably part time.

Dd's stay with ex as when we split he was more financially secure and he has more family support so we felt it would be better for the girls

OP posts:
isitfridayyet1 · 22/07/2018 22:37

For all those saying answers would be different if it were a man, let's get real here - biologically men still can't get pregnant so it's not the same thing! Put your existing children first please. Yes men do this all the time, go off and have second families however it still doesn't make it fair for the existing children who didn't ask for the situation to happen.

Stormwhale · 22/07/2018 22:37

I can't see how it could be workable op. If you go back to the same work pattern after maternity leave, you have the same amount of free time. If you add another baby into the mix your girls will have even less of your time and attention. I don't think it is fair on them at all.

midsummabreak · 22/07/2018 22:37

Often Dads will be the ones in this position, ( not living with/ the primary carer for their children) and many do go on to have other children to their new partner. This will always create sadness for their first children, who lose out firstly when their parent moves out of the family home, and secondly when their parent who moved away has children to their new partner. Having said that, many children can and do learn to deal with this situation, and embrace their new siblings.

Agree with others, I would focus on your two wonderful living, breathing daughters who need you to devote your love and time here and now. You cant take back the past ( you discuss with sadness that you could not ' be prrsent' as you would have liked for your little girls). but if you are now in a better position to care for your daughtera, devote more time to them. I suspect you are thinking of new babies to keep ties with your new partner strong Your girls are busy growing into young women, forming their identities and need you to be as present as possible. Once they are teens, sometimez it becomes a fricken nightmare and they will need you more than ever

KeepServingTheDrinks · 22/07/2018 22:38

What does being a parent mean to you, OP?

Original poster
LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:39

They're dad would look after them Bobster

OP posts:
Original poster
LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:39

Their sorry

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 22/07/2018 22:39

Yabu

You already have 2 dc who don't even live with you.

Sort their care out first

Mariatequila · 22/07/2018 22:40

Another one for the answers here would be very different if the OP was a man.
Why is everyone assuming that their father being the resident parent is somehow not good enough and the only way to make it right would be for all dc to live with OP? That advice would never be given if OP was a man.
Honestly OP children need stability, don’t change them living with their father because some sexist mners tell you to, but do ask them how they would feel, because it will impact them emotionally as it does when any nrp starts another family.

Stormwhale · 22/07/2018 22:41

I guess I can't see why you would take more from your girls to have a child you would barely see. What is the point? Children need your attention, they need to feel worthy of your time. You can't give that to your current children, let alone any more.

Mariatequila · 22/07/2018 22:43

Wow sexism is certainly rife on this thread isn’t it?

MaisyPops · 22/07/2018 22:44

But there is a difference between:

  1. 'Partner 1 is at home and Partner 2 works away to bring the family income
  2. Parent 1 is the resident parent and parent 2 is the non resident parent because of necessity and they make it work so the non resident parent can make the most of time with their children

And

  1. Non reisdent parent opted to be the non resident parent because it turns out having their existing children got in the way of their work and they didn't have time. They know they don't have time to see their existing children but want to start a family with their new DP without making any changes to their own lives (including reasons why they don't see their existing children).

1 and 2 is understandable for either sex.

3 is shitty for either sex. Why bring a baby into a relationship when someone can't sort their life out for existing children is beyond me.

DistanceCall · 22/07/2018 22:45

Why on earth is it assumed that the mother must necessarily be the RP by default? The girls are happy, they see their mother on a regular basis, they move between homes naturally...

I see no problem with you having a baby with your new partner, OP. You have a good setup with your ex, if you can accommodate a baby, then go for it.

Nobody would bat an eyelid if you were a man.

FASH84 · 22/07/2018 22:45

I think you need to have more contact with your girls before another baby, can you and DH not have them more as a family? I work away a lot too, so I know what it's like but they are going to feel so pushed out. If you didn't have the other two of day go ahead, DH will be primary care giver, no reason he can't do that because he had a penis, plenty of men with children work away a lot, but it's about managing it so your daughters dint feel service best, so increase contact with them before you think about having a baby

AnxiousPeg · 22/07/2018 22:46

Yes, men do this all the time...

Correct. They do. No one's saying that's 100% ideal. But it does show up a double standard here.

Is OP's new husband irrelevant because he's a man? Or is there a tiny possibility that he could do all the childcare that OP can't do? You know - for his own child?!

DistanceCall · 22/07/2018 22:46

And a reminder to everyone on this thread - the children involved in this situation (both the actually existing children and the potential future child) have FATHERS. Fathers who, you know, are meant to take care of them and parent them too.

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