To have more children in these circumstances?

[LightningAndLove]

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

What stood out for me was the majority of adopted children, ourselves included, who chose to trace their biological parents, actually chose to trace their biological mother. Initially atleast anyway.

Surely this is because it's straightforward to identify your biological mother, whereas the biological father may not be known or named. He might not have been involved, he might have been a rapist, etc. I don't think this indicates that the bond between child and mother is inherently stronger.

All I know is that my girl is the most important thing in my life and I cannot even begin to comprehend starting a new life without her in it.

There's a lot of talk about sexism in this thread, but in my experience, the pain of seeing either parent go on to have a second family when you're not part of it - as in divorce/separation - is the same whether it's your father or your mother.

Yes, the bar is set very low for fathers who are the NRP - they get away with appalling behaviour. bUt they pay a price usually - you only have to read threads in various bits of MN: children start to see through their father's behaviour, and don't want to spend time, or become disengaged from their father.

When my father started his second family I judged him: he'd had a perfectly good set of children (there were 4 of us!) but it seemed he couldn't be bothered spending time with us and "replaced" us with two more children. That's how it felt when I was 15, at any rate.

As an adult, I know rationally, that we weren't so much replaced as added to in my father's eyes. BUt at 15, it sure felt like replacement. I wasn't good enough, is what it felt like.

So that's the danger OP - I don't believe a mother is necessarily closer or more essential to her children than a father. BUt the experience of several PP on this thread seems to be like mine: we felt replaced.

The adult view, in the majority on this thread - is reasonable & rational. bUT it's not necessarily what your children will understand. THeir feelings may be quite different, no matter how happy your current arrangements are.

All I know is that my girl is the most important thing in my life and I cannot even begin to comprehend starting a new life without her in it.
Well fortunately this has nothing to do with the OPs situation since her two existing children are clearly very much part of her life.

@RiceandBeans the issue as you put it is that your father was distant and couldn't be bothered to spend time with you.

In this case the OP lives a few doors away and the children can drop over more or less when they like if she is in. As long as this doesn't change and they are allowed to see their half-sibling when she isn't there, then they won't see themselves being replaced. What they will see is like them their other sibling is primarily looked after by the dad, so it will be all their norms that dads are the primary carer of children.

Every situation is different due to age gaps, how much residency the child has with each parent, parenting style of parents, attitude of step-parents, distance between homes etc.

Wow. Just can’t believe some of the responses on this thread.
DH works away Monday - Thursday every week (he is an MP) During that time I am the primary caregiver to our kids. We aren’t planning more, but if we were, no doubt MN would say that was fine, but if roles were reversed MN would say it was not OK because I would be away.

And MN complains that not enough women are in parliament. It’s exactly attitudes like this that are the reason. Because mums can’t possibly work away from their kids because it’s selfish, or they’re uncaring.
If OP was military, and likely to be deployed for 6 months after maternity leave she’d leave her kids in the care of their fathers. It’s not like she’s single & empiying someone to do their care.

All the kids in this situation have primary care givers.

FFS MN at its most sexist.

And MN complains that not enough women are in parliament. It’s exactly attitudes like this that are the reason. Because mums can’t possibly work away from their kids because it’s selfish, or they’re uncaring.

I often wonder if people with these ancient attitudes refuse service from anyone in a job that requires frequent travel or unpredictable hours, if that person is a mother.

I think Bluebug has a very good point, @LightningAndLove - that your DDs will see that dads being the primary Carer is the norm, as the plan is also for your DH to be at home with new baby.
How is he as a stepdad to your DCs?

And MN complains that not enough women are in parliament. It’s exactly attitudes like this that are the reason. Because mums can’t possibly work away from their kids because it’s selfish, or they’re uncaring.
Considering the impact of adding a 3rd baby to 2 existing children who the OP admits she doesn't have as much time foe as she'd like has bugger all to do with women in parliament.
It's not saying women shouldn't work away or have careers. It's about considering the impact of a new baby on a situatio. When time and the importance of career was a major factor with existing children.

I'd expect ALL parents to consider the impact of adding additional children to their lives, especially when families are blended and a parent has unusual working patterns.

I don't care how broke I was or how little family support I'd have, there's no way I'd give my 1 and 3 year old to live with my ex and only see them at weekends. I can't even fathom how you did it? I never knew how sexist I was until I read this thread! I have two little girls and it turns my stomach thinking of being away from my babies like that so I'm obviously projecting but I think it would be incredibly selfish to have another child at the potential expense of your existing ones. If you're set on going through with this (which I'm thinking you are) I would have a proper open discussion about it with your girls and see how they feel about it before you even attempt TTC. However, an 8 and 10 year old girl obviously won't be able to comprehend the reality of this until it happens and might just get excited about having a little baby around so I would still think very very carefully about whether you could live with yourself in the future if this causes massive upset on your children... as I suspect not living with their mother full time will already cause questions to be asked of you when they're older regardless. I hope it all works out ok for them, good luck.

Stunning thread. Not sure whether to laugh or cry.
1950s mom called asking for her stereotype back.

OP hasn't said much about her background, but maybe her childhood wasn't secure or straightforward and maybe the ex and his family were pressuring her by refusing to pay child support etc, we don't know. It's not really fair to be quite so judgmental.

And conversely, all those shouting sexism are somewhat missing the point.

Ahh it couldn't possibly be the best thing for the children to be with their dad just round the corner and their mum see them as much as she is home - "they" must have forced her .

I actually think that the call for the OP to give up her job before she has another child have got it completely wrong. Surely that will send a message to her DD's that the new baby is worth staying home for but they weren't.

I don't believe the views on this thread have anything to do with sexism or patriarchy - just a strong maternal instinct. There is no way I would do a job that would take me away from my kids. I'd rather be skint and see them every day. I know that would be different for some people. And I certainly wouldn't want my kids' regular female influence being my ex's new wife.

And, I have never met a man whose paternal instinct was anywhere as strong or nuturing as a woman's. I am sure they exist, but I don't know a dad who takes care of the traditional maternal role.

Remember also you have teeenage years coming up. They will use your house as a refuge when they’ve fallen out with dad and vice versa. How will this sit with having a toddler at home?

There must be millions of teenagers who have a toddler sibling for many reasons. They usually just have to suck it up.

I have never met a man whose paternal instinct was anywhere as strong or nuturing as a woman's

The next time I see my son’s best friend's dad or his husband who have two adopted children, one with special needs, I’ll be sure to point this out

Haven't RTFT so apologies if I'm repeating.

A man would do this and thousands do.

I'm not saying it's in the children's best interests. (It's clearly not.)

Actually my dad did this!

@MaiaRindell - fine, but that's you and your friends. In their relationship they are quite happy for the father to take on the main carer role, it sounds like all are happy and she sees her children far more than many non resident parents. We know gay parents, divorced dads with main custody and SAHDs - maybe it is down to the demographics of where you live/your age, but it's not so unusual these days. It's sad to me if of all the men you know, not one is able to show the same level of nurturing as a woman. Speaking of which, we all also know of at least a few women who fail on the nurturing front - maternal instinct is very common but not guaranteed either.

I do think that any blended family situation with new babies is going to be hard, but don't think that gender needs to come into it, or that op should be vilified.

No, you are not being unreasonable, you have every right to want another child if you can afford it. Your H’s desire to have his own child is absolutely understandable and reasonable. What if he also wants a family with his own children in it not just stepchildren?
Don’t ask people on MN. Do what is right for you. You have a demanding job which requires you traveling a lot? Of course it’s better for you daughters to live with their dad then rather then spend night with nanny or constantly travel between homes. Your new baby will also be mostly looked after by her dad due to the nature of your work! As simple as that. You have every right not to sacrifice your hardly earned career especially if it allows everyone to have a pretty much comfortable life and financial security.
The world has moved on. Women are often breadwinners nowadays. Don’t let people on MN ruin your confidence. You don’t deserve that - you are giving yours girls a great example of how diverse family models can be nowadays and I am sure you are doing everything to be a good mother for them.
I think it would be nice if you could save a bit of money and have a longer maternity leave - maybe even arrange a 50:50 custody for the girls during that time. Surely will not be difficult if you are amicable with your ex and live 2 minutes apart.
Life is so rich! Good luck!

Having had a friend in a similar position growing up I think the most important thing for her was that she still had her own place in each house, even when new children came along she didn't feel pushed out of either home because she had a bed in each house that was hers, not just a spare if you know what I mean.

If you ensure that your DD's can decide to stay at any given point then I think they will feel more security.

Life is so rich! 🤨

Something is a bit rich... not sure it’s “life!”

I agree that you should do what is right for you, and that as long as your daughters feel secure and loved, and continue to have their place in your home, you should do what you and your husband want to do.

Well I enjoyed reading that entire thread.

I am both a mother and a stepmother - we have my dss Friday to Monday every week and then normally Thursday - Monday (sometimes Tuesday) during the holidays. DH and his ex have not been together since dss was less than 2... Anyway, I find our set up bizzare (especially since becoming a mother) as I don't think DH's ex spends enough time with dss. He is in year 4 in school now, so she basically see's him before and after school 4 days. She has never asked for extra time - always less - and dss has now told my DH he wants to live with us. This wouldn't happen as effectively if the arrangement was switched my DH would spend less time with dss as works til 6pm in the week anyway. But she also wouldn't switch the arrangement because she wants her free weekends.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is, even mothers who are the 'resident parent' are not always spending the most (quality) time with their children. Dss has the most 'fun' time at our house as naturally were not getting ready for school every day and having tea and going to bed.