To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

Alarm bells. 44 and delaying fatherhood. Not a good sign, imo.

Don't let him string you along.

If he’s worried about being an older dad then why wait any longer ?

Yanbu. I would be having some serious discussions about how you are going to move forward. For me, no children would be a dealbreaker.

I do buy into his reluctance to charge into parenthood! It’s something I’ve struggled with myself - do I REALLY want to be a mum enough? But I want a life as a family in the future, times running out, so that’s it.

You need to discuss this before marriage next month. You want to have a family. Does he want to have a family? It sounds like not. He's 44, how many more years does he want to wait?

I would tell him you want to start trying to start a family after your birthday, what does he think? If not then when? New year? Do you want to marry him if he doesn't want children?

I'd be wondering if he really even wants children at all and his current stance is just to stalk things. It makes no sense to put if off because you are worried about being an older dad. ..if that's truly a concern he'd surely want to ttc asap!

I’d say you need to have an agreed plan before you get married next month. If it came to it, would you rather be with him or have kids? I’m not saying it’s this stark, just working out how hard you want to push this.

That’s a tough question - would i still marry him if he confessed he didn’t want kids.
Probably not.

I don’t want to put a gun to his head! Forcing him into this decision seems like a rapid route to him being a resentful dad and not pulling his weight etc.

Surely his fear of being an old dad should be encouraging him to get cracking, not delay? That and the first reason you gave suggests that he doesn't want to be a father at all, not just that he doesn't want to yet.

It is of course absolutely possible for women to conceive in their late thirties and early forties, but if you wait several years you are seriously minimising your chances.

I think you're right that maybe he actually doesn't want to have kids and is kicking the issue down the road until the situation resolves itself by it being too late.

I'd try having a less chilled out conversation about this - it's worth some tension to make sure you are both on the same page. This is something couples have to be really clear about before committing to a marriage.

I love him to pieces and am really excited about a life together - he’s just great to be around and we make each other really happy and content.

But my spidey senses tingled when we were talking about children the other day, that there was something he’s not being honest about. Sounds like everyone else’s spidey senses on here have been triggered too.

I think you need to sit him down and have a frank discussion because to me it sounds like he does not want children at all and you could end up wasting your childbearing years waiting for him to come around and miss out on something you really want

I think you need to have this discussion before marrying him tbh. If I strongly wanted kids starting ttc quickly at your age would be a dealbreaker for me.

I've watched my cousin string his partner along for her whole life (they've been together since their teens and 'engaged' for 20 years) with 'in a couple of years' and 'when we're married' until they're now in their late 40s. She's reconciled being with him and not having children.

Think very hard about what you want from life.

His no.2 is only going to slip into 'I'm too old now'

If you think he's going to be a reluctant half-arsed father and you really want a family is he the right one?

Right now it's not too late to find someone else to share your future family, but if you marry him and wait 'a few more years' it could be.

You need him to be honest, better to know now and wialk away than get into a marriage based on false promises.

Please please make a ttc plan you believe he’ll stick to before walking down the aisle.

I’ve got friends on the verge of divorce because despite many discussions they never really made an agreement about whether or not to have children and it’s tearing them apart.

At 35 I wouldn’t be mucking around. Parenthood isn’t guaranteed to anyone and we started ttc two and a half years ago and are having a grim time of it with multiple losses. If we hadn’t both been fully on board it would have been even worse and I’d be really resenting my husband if I’d felt he’d wasted my fertile years by pissing about.

As others have said, worrying about being an older dad is the single best reason to get the fuck on with it. You’ll have the rest of your lives to have holidays. Your window for making babies is closing.

If he loves you, he must be honest with you so you can make a decision about your future in full knowledge of the facts.

At 35 I would be trying straight after the wedding.

It's quite a big thing to agree on and would definitely be a deal breaker

I agree you need to have a discussion and get on the same page before the wedding. He seems to be having doubts when really you should be getting on with it. If it was me I’d be TTC before the end of next year. It may take you till the end of next year to conceive.

The thing is, I wouldn’t want to have kids at 44 so I can see where he’s coming from.

BUT nor would I string someone along.

You need to have a cards on the table discussion, and you need to decide what you want.

X-posted with others

You said you wouldn't want to force him to have kids (rightly so) but he's effectively forcing you not to, and that's not fair either.

Yup my spidey senses also tingling OP and I would be having a not very chilled chat to get the truth out of him one way or another. I think he's playing for time hoping it will never happen and he can spend the rest of his life down the pub without annoying little rugrats spoiling his "freedom".

OK you need to have a VERY Frank talk.

You need to be blunt. "OK this is the deal. I want a family. I need to have that family completed within the next 5 years. That means I intend to get cracking by the end of 2018. If you're not on board then we need to face the fact we have very different plans and it's better to find out where we stand before we marry "

You have to have the courage to stand up for the life you want. It may be a deal breaker for him, but since it's probably a deal breaker for you, you need to know.

You need to have this agreed before you get married. A clear conversation in which both parties say exactly what they want. Wanting a child at some point in the future is something you might say in your 20s, not at 44.

Something is not right here! He is worried about being an older dad, is already 44 and wants kids " in the future ....sometime vague"

This is not the way to start married life. You need to have a frank and honest conversation ..............and then decide what to do.

Please don’t marry him hoping he’ll change his mind. He shouldn’t have to. It’s his right not to have children but it’s your right to end this relationship and seek what you do want in life. You have plenty of time, don’t rush into a marriage that won’t give you what you want. My sister met her husband at 37 and was married with a baby by 39.