To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but after 35 your fertility drops off a cliff. You don’t have time to wait at all, you should be trying as soon as you’re married if you want kids. The older you both are the higher the risks for disabilities as well.

Does he really understand how fertility works? He either doesn’t really want kids and is trying stall you until it’s too late, or he’s in need of some serious education. You need to have a very frank conversation

Not to put too fine a point on it, but after 35 your fertility drops off a cliff

I agree with the sentiment of your post but this phrase makes me wince.

It is not true.

It is based on a study of women in 18th century France! Somehow it got into the public consciousness and people have been saying it ever since.

A woman who struggles to conceive at 36 would likely have struggled at 26. For most women who do not have diagnosed fertility issues, getting pregnant in your late 30s and beyond is completely normal and straightforward. The drop-off exists but it is very small percentage-wise.

The data on which that statistic is based is from 1700s France. They put together a lot of church birth records and then came up with these statistics about how likely it was someone would get pregnant after certain ages.

Women who had no access to modern healthcare, nutrition or even electricity. Yet people still quote it as gospel!

The best research we have actually shows that 82% of women between 35 and 39 will fall pregnant within a year.

I realise this is not the point of the OP but I think we all have to start quoting this when people tell us our fertility is about to zoom off a cliff. Even my own husband used to say this. It’s gobsmacking.

Obviously the OP doesn’t know if she might struggle for reasons other than age and of course it’s better to find this out sooner rather than later.

Rant over.

Went out for a picnic. Had a chat. He doesn’t see himself as a dad. Don’t know where to go from here.

Op I’m so sorry no advice, but at least now you know where you stand, and can make a decision with your eyes open.

Oh no...sorry to hear that op. At least you know now.

Oh OP you poor thing. What a dick, what’s so difficult about being upfront about these things?

So so sorry. Buy , get drunk. Cry. We're here for a handhold.

It would be so awfully embarrassing to cancel the wedding. I don’t care about the money.

Wobble, it’s not you who should be embarrassed.

It'll be a two week wonder.

Especially if it leaks out it was because of kids. People are extremely understanding about that as its so fundamental. There would be lots of sage nodding.

(Don't let presents start to come in unless a ceremony is going to happen. It's excruciating to have to return them.)

Do you love him, WobbleHead?

You can't marry someone out of embarrassment.

I do understand that the thought of cancelling must feel extremely daunting though

Can't say id be happy .. took me 2 years ttc no fertility issues to get pregnant.

Sounds like he's stalling as 44 is quite old .. he will be 60 when the child is 16 IF You had a newborn now! It takes 9 months to even pop one out so add a year on that to try conceive .. that makes him atleast 46 IF YOU start trying now :/ dealbreaker for me

I’m really sorry OP.

PP are right, you can’t marry someone out of embarrassment.

I’m relieved you spoke to him now and not after the wedding! Thank god you listened to the advice on here instead of marrying and then trying to pussyfoot your way up to trying to persuade him to TTC, by which point it’d be too late.

He’s 44. Forty bloody four. Of course if he isn’t enthusiastically talking about TTC ASAP after the wedding he doesn’t actually want kids. A man who wants kids will make steps to have kids, not leave it until his fifth decade and still be hemming and hawing.

But I can totally understand you wanting to believe the best and hope for the best with him.

Does he know you want kids definitely? Cos if so it’s not just his lack of wanting kids that should make you relieved not to marry him, it’s the cruelty in stringing you along while knowing he doesn’t want what you want. Was he just gonna hope to keep you dangling until biology made the decision for you both?

If you split now you have time to look into having or adopting a child alone if you want that. You certainly at least have a shot at finding someone who wants what you do.

This man is a dead end for what you want out of your life. I’m so sorry. I’m so glad you know now though.

RTFT dvg

waves OP I cancelled my wedding. Was hideously embarrassing. For about two months. It was scandal of the year.... again for about two months.

At the time it felt massive and awful but now, ten years on, I hardly ever think of it and hardly anyone remembers. And my reasons for cancelling it weren’t as good as yours- I just realised I didn’t love him, and no one was even horrible to me but people will be much nicer to you. That’s a cast iron legit reason for cancelling.

Trust me, not a day goes by when I don’t thank God I didn’t go through with it as I would have ended up divorced. I actually had a lot of people tell me I was really brave.

Good luck.

Dvg did you even read the thread or just the first page? Seriously people READ THE THREAD

OP I’m so sorry he’s been totally unfair not to say this until now.

I'm sorry it wasn't what you want to hear. You only just had the chat, which might have surprised him, so was he certain? And you think he won't change his mind? Either way, put the wedding on hold for now and take some time each of you alone and together to let it all sink in. Then decide what you want to do, once you've had that time.

He’s stringing you along.
He doesn’t want kids with you.
Don’t marry him.

You only just had the chat, which might have surprised him, so was he certain? And you think he won't change his mind?

Let’s give a grown man the respect of believing he knows his own mind about children. As a man in his forties who has no doubt watched friends and relatives marry and have children, who is about to get married himself and will have had frequent annoying questions of ‘sooo, will you be trying for kids?’ he’s thought this through. He knows. If he’s willing to risk his relationship by telling OP he doesn’t want the same future as her I’m sure he is sure.

I'm sorry OP that's rough, but better now than when married and really worrying about the embarrassment of calling off the wedding .. give your head a wobble (gently after the shock of today has worn off). You sound like a lovely woman with a lot to offer. You'll get over this on your own if that's what you choose.

Do what you want and ignore the embarrassment! I promise you cancelling now is a better option than divorce. It was thoughtless of him not to be upfront about this sooner.

I wouldn’t be able to marry someone who had deceived me about something SO important and fundamental! OP please don’t let embarrassment force you down a path you don’t want to go down, eg a childless marriage

Can I just say, my DH was reluctant to be a dad, because his is a waste of space and didn't want to be the same, he said he couldn't see himself as a dad, we now have 2 kids and he is an amazing dad.
Did you ask him why he doesn't see himself as a dad and why did he lie to you and tell you he did want children?

He’s gone to the pub with a mate to talk it over.