To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

I am not sure that it is so black and white, though. It sounds to me like he is a bit insecure, and indecisive, perhaps a bit of an over thinker. He has some issues with ED (I think you implied), and he was overweight for years, not dating because of insecurity, has gone through redundancies, etc.

He also loves you and is enjoying life with you.

The thing is, lots of people are a bit ambivalent about having kids. I wasn't sure I wanted them, cried when I found out I was pregnant, etc.

I have just loved having kids, and devoted myself to it. Lots of people are like that, and your partner is not someone who always knew he didn't want kids. I think that you need to talk a lot more. It doesn't sound obvious that you definitely need to cancel the wedding, and I don't think he is being a huge twat (yet). He is clearly confused and ambivalent.

How do you think he would react if you found out your were actually pregnant?

You have done so well to be clear about this issue now.

In my experience amongst me and most of my friends, most men take 2 weeks paternity leave then go back to their jobs (quite often high pressured). The females take anywhere between 6 months to a year maternity leave and then go back to their jobs either full time or part time. Not saying this is right or wrong, just what generally tends to happen.

Unless you're asking him to take more time off on paternity leave or be a SAHD or saying you don't want to go back to work then I'm struggling to see what his issue is and really don't think that is the real issue.

You most recent update is concerning. He is getting close to emotional blackmail.

You want to have the possibility of children. With this man you do not get them.

Do not even begin to get into the debate that what he's offering is 'not enough', because that's all beside the point. Just say. If you need to and whenever you need to, that 'You always knew I want children. Now I know that you do not, and that is a game changer'

Cancelling a wedding is embarrassing. But it's preferable to marrying in circumstances that remove your hopes of a family.

How do you think he would react if you found out your were actually pregnant?

He's already answered this: "he....wants to prioritise his career, and says if he had a child it would pretty much fall to me to do everything..."

Bit of a truism, but when someone tells you who they are, it's always worth listening

I agree with Auntie Stella, his words sound concerning and loaded. It isnt a maybe, his hints before and words now scream never.

Be angry and sad OP but mostly be glad that this coward did not get to string you along anymore with evasive.

I'm really sorry @WobbleHead, the only positive is that he's actually been honest and given you the chance to make a choice.

Sounds like excuses to me, if you still aren't sure if you want kids by 44 I think you probably don't want them at all. I personally couldn't marry someone who isn't on the same page as something as big as this. As hard as it is to walk away from a relationship that is great in every other possible way, if you can't agree on having children you need to end it and find someone who wants the same things in life.

I have 2 relatives who have been in your situation, they were both in long term relationships (think 10-15 years) I guess they both thought the men would change their minds, then the women hit mid 30s and it was now or never. One couldn't come to terms with not having kids she left and met someone else pretty quickly, she had a baby soon after, they've just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. They seem very happy, strangely they are best friends with the ex and his new partner, he never did have children.

The other rele, they are still together and didn't have children, she is mid 40s now him mid 50s. He did used to say to her "if you really want a baby lets just have one" but he didn't want one, he just didn't want to lose her. She didn't feel right having children with someone who didn't want them. She still cries about it if she has a couple of drinks and he isn't there, she'd have made a fantastic mum. She fills the void being an aunty, but you can see when she's with her nieces she'd have loved it for herself. She's still happy with her partner though, I think she pushes it to the back of her mind.

I guess only you can decide whether you want to be a mum enough to walk away. I would never marry someone though thinking I could change his mind and somehow it'll all work out. Time isn't on your side (I say this as someone who also turns 35 in September!) you need to decide soon.

I'm glad you've had the conversation shame he hadn't been more honest before

Agree with others don't marry him out of embarrassment

Oh this is the saddest thread I have seen in a while. You simply can't give up your dream of a family for this man. With potentially 50 years of life with him ahead of you, I honestly don't think the marriage would last the resentment and sadness.
Likewise he should not be persuaded to have a family if he does not want one. What kind of father would he be if he is already saying his career comes first. With that attitude, again I don't think the marriage would last, and the poor child. And would it only be one child, do you want two or more and would he allow it?
You simply have to discuss this seriously, and ASAP. Don't hold back the tears. Let him see that this is a massive deal for you. For me, it would have to be a joint decision to try for a family or walk away. I don't think your marriage will last if you're not both on the same page.
I wish you all the best x

You need to discuss this seriously before getting married. He doesn’t want to be an older dad but is already 44, he’s only going to keep getting older? You’re still fine for a few years yet (I had my third at 38) but it needs to be discussed and a timescale agreed - as you say there is an expiry date! I understand his view of having a few years alone together before kids but realistically your ages don’t really give much breathing space for that and I’d say he is showing a little bit of selfishness there and possibly he knows he’s already an “older” dad and is just trying to stall and avoid until it really is too late for you? This needs an honest discussion ASAP and before you walk down the aisle. Good luck!

Well done. Now, what do you want to do? You’re not holding a gun to his head, but you are being clear what you want from the marriage and relationship. And maybe if its not willing joint parenting of dc, that’s not going to work. Fwiw, my bil pulled the ‘you’ll have to do everything because its you that wants them’ card. Idiot. He pulled his weight later on. On the positive side, if it is largely fear, he may be able to get his head around it. If its mainly selfishness, then I would be more cautious.

He sees me pressing this point as me saying that he’s ‘not enough’ for me

He's right though isn't he. He loves you for you. You don't want him unless he gives you children and are willing to walk away if he doesn't. He's obviously come to realise that and it must be very hurtful.

Walk away and give him the chance to find someone who loves him just for him and not what he can provide and you can have children as a single person or find a partner willing to give you what you want.

I think the "I need to focus on my career so I won't do anything for them" is just a smokescreen tbh. He just isn't interested in having a family or making any sacrifices whatsoever to be a father, much less raising them in partnership with you.

I'm really sorry. I really feel for you. At least you know now, though, and you can make your own decision.

Sorry! Didn’t see the updates - to be frank don’t worry about cancelling the wedding - basically if you want children and he doesn’t then I’m afraid that’s the end of the relationship and you are better off walking away now. So sorry, but glad you found out before the wedding. 💐

Boxsets, fuck off with the idea that someone who has children as one of their deal breakers "doesn't really love" their partner, or "only loves them for what they can give them". Yes, that's why the OP is breaking her heart right now, because she doesn't love her fiance. FFS.

Its very self absorbed and selfish to think that someone should give up something they definitely want for another. That's not a good or equal relationship. To then moan that they aren't enough is selfish again.

I've seen this with children as the dealbreaker but i also saw a friend who was my colleague too receive similar from her fiance when she was offered her dream job. He accused her of loving her career more, it was untrue bit when he started trying to do manipulation she said good bye.

She is now happily married with three gorgeous children. He too is happy but it took a lot of selfish behaviour before he settled down.

You are doing the right thing to question and consider to end it OP. Otherwise resentment and anger could lead you to be the one trying to manipulate and telling him he could not even give you this one thing.

boxsets I have only read two answers by you on different threads and both have been very nasty. This is a support site, if you have no support to give fuck off.

Agree with others - He is using emotional blackmail “why aren’t I enough for you?”. Also good fathers don’t tell the mother of their child (before the child is even conceived) that they will have to do everything child related because “they’ll be busy working”
I know guys in our office who are v career focused and bust a nut at work but leave on time for kids bedtime every night (they get back online later)

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years.

It good you discovered this now. You have approx one month to resolve this.
And in your shoes I wouldn’t hold in the tears I would be bawling crying - you need to have it out with him properly and discuss what the next steps are

Sorry op
I think I'd go, even if he told you 'ok let's go for it next year' he could still change his mind in the mean time leaving you even less time to try to be a mum.
Tbh I'd be pretty annoyed it's taken him 3years to tell you he doesn't see himself as a dad when he's been telling you 'some point in the future'.

He chose to sleep on the sofa last night. I’ve patched myself together and gone into work. We said we would talk more tonight, but he could barely look me in the eye. I think he’s given up. I can’t believe this is happening.

You what now?

He slept on the sofa! Like he was annoyed at you?

You've done nothing wrong op and I can't believe he did that

Well now you know. It's him without children or someone else with them. If you marry this man on his terms your resentment will build and build. I'd put money on you hating him 20 years down the line. The way he's strung you along is unforgivable, if I were you I'd be very angry.

Walking away and calling the wedding off will be awful for you but he hasn't really left you with much choice. I feel very, very sorry for you but you've had a lucky escape, marriage to someone so manipulative would never end well.

Wobble do you have somebody to talk to in real life? I feel desperately sorry for you. It’s heart breaking.

Just seen your update - if ever you needed confirmation that marrying him is a bad plan he's just handed it to you.