To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

You need to thrash this out before the wedding. My OH is 8 years older than me and we had our boy when is was 39 and he was 47. After suffering secondary infertility issues after the birth of our boy once my OH reached 50 he felt he was too old and too tired to have any more. We did keep trying for a hit but to no avail but I wish we had not put off having children for so long as we may have had the energy to get things sorted for another baby if ave was on our side. Don't put it off especially with both of your ages.
I remember when I was pregnant we were out and my OH said to a friend "I don't feel old enough to be a Dad" my friends response was "jeez you're old enough to be a grandad never mind a Dad!". My OH was really looking forward to being a Dad but a little nervous too. He is the best Dad ever.
I just think, as with lots of things in life, some people can't envisage the change but when it happens it is the best thing that ever happened to them.

Agree with a PP, don’t marry him hoping he will change his mind. It doesn’t sound like he wants kids. If you are adamant you want children, you have a tough decision to make. You need to sit him down, no vagueness, no excuses, and ask him does he want children or not. If he does, he needs to understand that you will have to start trying very soon, given your age.

I agree with all the other pps. Definitely a frank and honest discussion is needed prior to getting married. You say you’ll love him all the same and will definitely marry him. Tbh I think you will only know how you truly feel about resigning to never having children once you confront how he truly feels. It’s a big thing.

Huge generalization I know but many men think of their own wants and needs first and foremost. They don't see themselves as stringing their partner along or ever stop to think that their mid thirties partner has a small window of opportunity for becoming a mother. He wouldn't be the first man to say "yes but not yet" when actually he means never.

You really need to think hard about going along with this. How would you feel if you waited until your late thirties to ttc only to discover there are problems? If you never have a child would you be ok with that or is it something that would eat away at you? In your shoes I'd be having a frank conversation and be prepared if necessary to walk away.

You are 35. If you want children with him, you need to be sure that he wants children too.
Have you both had your fertility assessed?
What happens if you have fertility problems?

I think he's right in wanting a house, stable jobs and some time together as a couple first given you have only been together for three years.

As you've said you wouldn't want to marry him if he didn't want to give you children I wouldn't be marrying him for his sake. You should be getting married as you love each other and want to make a commitment of that, not what he can give you. He deserves better.

Like others have said you need to figure this out before the wedding. If he does agree to start trying I would advise trying straight after the wedding as you are unlikely to conceive straight away. I started trying at 34 and it took over 2 years to conceive, all tests came back excellent and we are both very healthy it can a long time. Good luck.

More shit advice from Boxsets.

You need a definite answer and don't marry him without one!! Can you live without having kids?
Having a child is hard - my exh was 48 when our DS was born and couldn't cope at all with the lack of sleep/constant attention etc. He "did it for me" and clearly massively regretted it and was an arse.

Honestly i think he's trying to subtly tell you he doesn't want children. He doesn't want his life to change. He wants his freedom. Seriously can you see him being a dad approaching 50, being 70 when your child is at university? But this is the person that doesn't want to be an old dad like his dad..... doesn't make a blind bit of sense sorry.

I had a friend in a similar position and she just had to be completely up front and say “it’s now or I’m off”. Her DH was also considerably older than her and he said he didn’t realise how much it meant to her and they got on with it. Good luck OP!

Do you know if he can have kids? Maybe there's something he's not telling you more serious than just not wanting them. What about his previous relationships? You definitely need a frank discussion. We had to have IVF and are both mid 30s. Plus, no guarantees about younger v older dad. My dad was 30 when I was born and died at 43.

BlueUggs is that why he’s now an exh?

Thanks for all the spine-straightening advice.

Can I have some more advice - how can I have a ‘frank’ discussion without being aggressive? What would be an opening gambit?

Ginger he doesn’t have the most cooperative, er, tackle. No reason to believe actual fertility is an issue though, but hasn’t been tested.

I’m his first serious relationship for over 14 years - he had a weight problem and had resigned himself to being a favourite uncle/bachelor for the rest of his life. He lost the weight, dated around a bit, then we met.

There's nothing aggressive about having that chat. Why would it sound aggressive?

It's just a neutral stating of biological facts.

Stop being apologetic! It's like you feel bad for rocking the boat!

But the boat is your own life, not just his, so get rocking or you'll drift into the bank and be stuck there forever.

At 35, you still have time to meet someone who wants to have children. But if you marry someone who is stalling for time then that’s precious years down the drain. It’s heartbreaking, but you need to be very clear about what you both want. No vague promises or ‘we’ll talk about it in a couple of years’. If you disagree this much on children then it’s only going to cause problems down the line.

OP, if he doesn’t want to be an old dad and is already 44, then if he doesn’t want children now, he won’t want them later. And if he doesn’t want children, you need to break it off ASAP. I think you have to draw the line somewhere, and it should be now. You want to TTC ASAP. Fertility isn’t something that can be compromised on, unfortunately. Neither are children. It’s fine if he doesn’t want children, but what isn’t fine is him lying about it/stringing you along. Which he appears to be doing.

There is never a right time to have a baby. There will always be a reason to wait, be it a bigger house, financial security, wanting to travel more or just not feeling ready. BUT if you are sure having children is what you want then at some point you have to forget all of the reasons not to have children and just bite the bullet and get on with it.

Really it sounds like he's stringing you along. Of course its his right to not want children but its not his right to lie to you and effectively take away your choice by wasting your time.

You have to decide now if children are a deal breaker for you. I wouldnt waste any more time at your age. It could take you years to find someone else. You need to have an honest and frank conversation with your partner. No more kicking it down the road.

I dont think its been mentioned yet but mens fertility also declines with age. Not as much as a womans but still. A man in his 50's and a woman in her 40's might not find getting pregnant easy. Also older men have been linked to an increase risk in having a disabled child. As are older women. These are things that should be considered when choosing to wait.

YANBU

I think you deserve a full honest conversation together, BEFORE you get married.

What you've described does not sound promising in terms of him actively wanting children- you truly deserve an honest answer out of him, not what he thinks you want to hear/will keep you at bay for now.

This is too much of a big deal to just let it passively evolve or not as the case may be.

You're almost 35 so really, if you would like at least 1 child, you need to be making active plans for TTC now- not at some ill defined point in the future/couple of years.

You do not know if you will fall pregnant the first month of trying or whether it will be a few years down the line/with assisted conception etc.

On the other hand, there is still time- but the key thing is finding out exactly where he stands regarding the matter.

He only needs to delay things another few years and you’re likely to find it’s a struggle to conceive anyway (And I say that as someone who’d a dc in her 40s, but it would have very been easier earlier). Don’t be strung along

OP talk to him and confirm whether he will commit to having children now. If he doesn't then walk away. Cancelling a wedding is much cheaper than sorting out a divorce financially and emotionally. Oh and if you do end up divorce he will likely meet someone he will have children with straight away.

Like others, I don't buy his excuses. If he wants to be a dad but not an older one then obviously he would want to start trying soon. You need to have a really open and honest discussion with him now, especially if you think there's a possibility that you wouldn't marry him if he didn't want children with you. I'm really sorry, but I've seen this situation a few times before and it has never ended well.

People keep telling the OP that she has time to get with someone else, maybe she really loves her husband.

OP, you need to find out if your husband really doesn't want children (or whether he's unable to) and then really think about whether you love this man enough to have a childless life - which doesn't have to be bad! Or whether you do feel that babies are a deal breaker, but there's no guarantees you'll meet someone else (to settle with?) or that you'd stop loving the one you're with now and massively regret splitting up.

At 35 there isn't a huge amount of time. I know that lots of women now have children in their mid 40s, but I have seen plenty leave TTC until post 35 and they found it difficult. Options like IVF are very common but not guaranteed to be successful.
There are plenty of happy couples who haven't been blessed with children, either through choice or otherwise.

As both men and women get older your chances of conceiving go down. You are already aware time is not on your side. Given you are aware of possible different schedules I would make sure you come to an agreement before getting married.