To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

Hi guys. Me again.

We’ve now had two counselling sessions and they’ve been really helpful. Of course the main issue here is bad communications. Me because I don’t want to force the issue and I never really feel I have a ‘right’ to ask for anything. Him because he has selectively focused on whatever clues I’ve given in the past that I wasn’t sure about being a mum and he’s just been desperate that things will stay happy and stable forever.

We’ve both said that we want to be with each other. That’s step 1. But step 2 is getting a definitive answer on kids. If he says definitely yes, then all well and good. If definitely no, then it’s not only that issue, but all the broken trust I have. We’re stepping around each other in the flat a bit. Both quiet. I want to have it out now but I know the best way to let him make up his mind, and not dig his heels in, is to back off.

Also ratcheting up the tension today is the fact we have to go down and see my parents for an errand (pick up wedding dress to take to seamstress to take up hem). He’s worried about getting a lecture (I have said to Mum quietly that let’s not make this any more awkward than we have to). Also we’ve been putting off doing any wedding admin this last week because it feels like when we do, we’re continuing the pressure building.

So - still not great to be honest.

WobbleHead this must be so difficult.

Please don’t marry him. It is a compromise you will resent for the rest of your life. Give yourself the chance to have children with someone who wants them, and wants to give them to you.

I suppose my advice would be to have a deadline in your head. Because he wedding is advancing so it can't be a 6 month deadline, with the best will in the world.

Tbh I think it's clear its a NO. He just doesn't want to say it. Question is, will he ever say it?

Agree with Elspeth. He knows if he says it, things will be over. How would you feel if he married you in the hope he would one day be able to make you change your mind?

OP, if he wanted kids he would have said by now. He's delaying and hoping you will settle for being with him and resorting to the plan B. He. Doesn't. Want. Them.

I also think it’s a no, otherwise he would have said otherwise by now! All that’s happening is you two are awkwardly treading water until the wedding day...

If the wedding preparations continue, and you haven't been given a "yes", isn't that the same as him telling you no and you accepting it?

Much talking this afternoon. It’s a yes.

Not really a win though is it. You're going to bringing a child into a situation with a man that doesn't want to be a father but has been talked into it because you want one. Poor child.

Oh thank god. Set a date for starting!

I had a DH who agreed in theory. I said "cool so we'll start trying in January then?"

"Errr..... OK...." He was shocked I was setting an actual date. But left to him it'd be in theory still!

Make sure there's a plan. Enough vagueness.

Oh love, I hate to rain on your parade but this won't go well. I really hope you don't find yourself after the wedding still trying to negotiate when you'll TTC but I suspect there will never be a right time and the excuses will go on for ever. I hope I'm wrong. 💐

I hope it works out for you op. However, I fear if you marry him and have a baby you'll be on here posting about how your husband leaves you to do all the childcare and won't lift a finger to help you. Good luck, you're going to need it.

We'll done you for talking it all over. The step beyond yes is the specifics. When will you start trying - you need a set date and I'd suggest Christmas/New Year not immediately after wedding but well within the year. As a priority not affected by house buying situation as well. What will you do if you haven't conceived after one year? I'd go strait to at least IUI treatment with a timeline for IVF at your age. Have that conversation. Privately you should decide in your own mind what will you do if he refuses to try come the date.

see needs to be discussed properly asap, before the wedding for sure!
there's not really time to hold off for a few years, sounds like he'd prefer not to have kids, so you need to work out if kids are a deal breaker for you or not, def don't rely on getting married then putting on pressure then , ideally you'll be wanting ttc straight away x

I hope you agreed a date with that "yes", if he's serious that should be ok. Good luck!

(I also hope you agreed this is willing and happy co-parenting so he intends to fully participate, I'm assuming the counsellor got you both to cover that?)

I’m with @boxsetsandpopcorn. Sorry.

Great news. Make sure to set a date to TTC. At 35 you should be trying soon in case fertility treatment is needed.

He needs to be 100% behind you and be ready to start ttc right away, no hesitation.
Because If you need IVF you need to be very strong as it’s not easy. Hopefully it won’t come to that though.

Don’t give up your dream just because you love him. You have been honest from the word go.

I just had to comment on something that boxsetsandpopcorn said very early in this thread, and that is that OP and partner had only been together three years and they should take more time before having children.

Three years! In my mind that is a long time, especially if you are in your 30s and 40s. You should have had plenty of time in three years to be a couple and know each other very well and be ready for the next stage: marriage and children.

It seems some people these days are set in a perpetual teen/young adult mode. I don't personally know anyone like this but from the responses in this thread it sounds like there are plenty out there.

Moveablefeast I don’t think not being sure about marriage and children means people are stuck in perpetual youngster mode, it’s just different priorities. Some people are dead set on having both of those in their lives, others are ambivalent, others want one but not the other and some don’t want either. Some people wouldn’t get into an exclusive relationship with someone unless they thought it would be forever, others live in the moment and are pragmatic about the fact that you can’t guarantee anything is forever. Wanting marriage and children isn’t a mark of being an adult, it’s just life stages that some people aspire to and others don’t. I personally fall into the “nothing is forever” camp and think that even if I met someone I was madly in love with and felt like I wanted to marry at that time, I may not (or he may not) feel the same in five or ten years. I don’t want kids and I’m not arsed about marriage, and probably wouldn’t be a good dating fit for a man who wanted those things. That doesn’t make me any less adult, but I also don’t think three years is that long in the context of a lifetime. Sorry OP that’s all pretty irrelevant to you! Good luck with the wedding

wake up op!!! his yes is NOT sincere. you do not have the luxury of time. You have seen a glimpse of who he really is now

if i was you i would suggest to him you start ttc this month and delay the wedding until you are pregnant. watch his face....it will tell you all you need to know. good luck x

Start trying now. If he’s truly on board he will. You’re 35 - and him 44 you might not be able to already.

if i was you i would suggest to him you start ttc this month and delay the wedding until you are pregnant. watch his face....it will tell you all you need to know. good luck x

I think this is not a bad idea actually. I'd definitely be postponing the wedding at least