To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

Dusk I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of why there’s just such a strong negative feeling about being a dad. Although he idolises his late Dad, I don’t think their relationship was at all easy. Lots of bad communication and guilt. And then his dad got awful Alzheimer’s before they could really fix the relationship. And I’ve said that this could be driving a lot of subconscious fear, but he says that’s not it.

I haven’t read the previous comments so forgive me if this is repeating what others have Said, but my advice is that you really need to pin him down. I was told at 34 that I had low ovarian reserve (which is an age related issue) and would struggle to conceive. It worked out in the end for me, but I was lucky.

I’m Not saying this is the case for you, but you are right, age is a definite factor and you really don’t want to be messing around with this if you definitely want children.

So sorry OP.

Like others have said, don't marry him out of embarrassment. A friend of mine cancelled her wedding the week before, no one remembers any more.

At least you have all the facts now to make your discussion.

The thing is, he is allowed to not want to be a dad. Even if he does articulate his reasons and they seem illogical to the point where you can easily poke holes in them, it doesn't make his feelings invalid.

What he is not allowed to do is either lie, or kick the can down the line and tell himself he'll get married to someone who wants them, relying on it "working itself out later".

If he can't articulate why not and had to go to the pub to talk about it, he doesn't sound like he's actually done enough thinking. Give him a little breather to think OP, he has to give you an answer he's certain of when the direction of both your lives depends on it. Hope you're holding up ok!

(And personally I'd day to make it immediate; you want to try now (in a few weeks when you're both sure) and he's in or out... No scope for backing out later, he has to decide.)

*say not day

I think Excited0803 is right, now it's come to this, he needs to ask himself is he willing to TTC now with you or walk away? (No room for telling himself maybe he'll change his mind down the line).

And you need to ask yourself, what do you want more, this relationship or children?

I was actually in a similar situation to you. I loved the guy so much... but children were a lifelong dream (and I'd told him that when we were first dating). I have no regrets looking back now about leaving him. It was hard but right.

I'm so sorry OP. I couldn't marry someone who has just told me they aren't on the same page as something as monumental as having children. I would question why he wasn't honest before and even if he came back now and changed his mind i would never be able to trust him. It's shitty that he wasn't honest with you before. Cancelling the wedding is nothing compared to living a lie and him stringing you along.

You need to take some time to decide what important to you.

Can you imagine the rest of your life without him?
Can you imagine the rest of your life without kids?

Obviously there are no guarantees with fertility or that you would meet someone else that you loved enough.

He has told you the truth. You can't change his mind but you can maybe help him understand why the thinks like this. No guarantees he would change his mind.

It's an awful position to be in but at least you have both spoken the truth.

Also be warned OP, he may come back to you saying he’s willing to go ahead and TTC. Purely because he doesn’t want to lose you. While knowing it’s not what he wants. That’s not fair on a child but he might manage to almost convince himself he wants it if it means being able to go ahead with the wedding.

And then you’ll have some hard thinking to do about whether you really could have a family with a man who actually doesn’t want it.

Or he might say ‘yeah sure in a few months’ to get you both through the wedding then change his mind again... or try force himself into having a baby with you.

I ended a relationship due to this incompatibility. It was hard but I knew I wanted kids. And I couldn’t bear being with a man who saw the same thing that I considered to be a huge blessing and fortune as a ball and chain he just didn’t want. I couldn’t risk ever giving birth to an innocent little baby knowing I’d knowingly given him or her such a shit reluctant father. It’s not fair.

Being very charitable here, MAYBE he just lacks enough imagination to see himself as a Dad, and if he has gone to talk it over with a mate, if the mate has DCs, he may be able to help him see it might not be so bad, and he might even love it.
Here's hoping, OP.

My dh didn’t want kids. He’d always said ‘at some point ‘ I gave him an ultimatum, as tbh if I’d stayed I would have ended up hating him for not having children. I would’ve walked, so we could potentially both have what we needed in life. We have 2 and he’s an amazing dad. But I would have left, it’s too much of a fundamental difference. If you make up, make sure he understands contraception is stopping on the day of the wedding... if he’s not ok then only you know if kids are actually a deal breaker.

He’s back from the pub. The mate he met was a bachelor in his 40s too.

He knows it’s not fair to tell me only ‘maybe’. He is scared about the security of his job and wants to prioritise his career, and says if he had a child it would pretty much fall to me to do everything, because he wouldn’t risk taking the pressure off and losing his job, being destitute. He’s suffered a couple of redundancies in the past and lives in daily terror of being so skint again.

I work and I’m in a decent salary, so this feels like excuses to me, but apparently I don’t get it.

He sees me pressing this point as me saying that he’s ‘not enough’ for me. Apparently I’m enough for him, and he’s sad we’re not on the same page. Then in the next breath that he thinks he’d make a good dad, but is just really scared.

I’m so confused. My face aches from holding in crying. I’m trying to be calm and not make this escalate into something that can’t be pieced back together.

You have three choices...

1. Stay together and don't have children.

1. Stay together and have a child in full knowledge that, by his own admission, you'd have to do it all.

1. End the relationship.

Just be clear; you want to have children and need to know his final position on that. He needs to make his mind up for good, it's a stressful moment but it's worth you both going through it for the clarity.

Oh FFS, escalate away. Why not cry? You are devastated. Own it. You are allowed to be.

Why isn't he feeling sorry for you, FFS,???! Even if he can't ever have kids, where is his basic human compassion for how shocked and saddened you obviously are?

Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I don’t like what he’s saying.

Firstly, a big clue that if you did have a child together, he would be a very disinterested father because he’s already made it clear that this is the deal.

As for the guilt tripping “am I not enough for you?”, well, that’s just childish.

But you need to hear this, unfortunately.

He does not want them OP. im sorry but in your shoes I would end it.

I gave my partner the same choice. Im still not convinced it was the decision just based on what he wanted, I think it was more because it was what I wanted. (at this current time - he would have waited years more - i did not have age on my side)

Dont do that. it isnt the nicest position to be in

Good luck

Have a good cry if you need to. It’s a difficult situation that you’re in.

I’d be wary of getting into a situation where he grudgingly agrees to have children, as long as you do all the work. There are far too many threads on here where women have no support and their DH continues happily with work and hobbies. Do you really want to be married to a man who is a glorified sperm donor? Do you want your kids growing up with a distant dad who isn’t interested?

I agree he’s allowed not to have a child. Of course. But he shouldn’t be messing with your mind the way he is - he needs to tell you straight. He loves you but he doesn’t want to have children. He is the right man for you if you didn’t want children but the reality is he doesn’t want them and you do.

It’s late I’m going round in circles. I really do think the only thing you can do is leave him. He’s playing mind games. Why go to the pub and chat to a mate - why isn’t he talking it through with you?

You cry OP as much as you want. You have the right to be angry.

Sure, having no kids and going to the pub/going on holidays is great - but this just isn't an option at the ages you are. My DH was 40 when we met. We married after 2.5 years and dc1 was born a year later. If he had been 30 when we met, the time line would have been different. But he wasn't, so it wasn't.

But honestly some men have no idea. Your DP is 44, he thinks he's 24. My ex also said he didn't want to be an older dad. He later revealed to him that meant having dc before age 70! Don't bother with "gently raising the pressure over the next six months". Thrash it out kindly but explicitly tonight.

And boxsets, you are dreaming if you think marriage is just about a perfect love that can overcome anything. It's about love yes, but also about two people that want a similar lifestyle and want to support each other in achieving that. If you don't want a similar lifestyle ie having or not having kids it's not going to work.

Sorry, didn't refresh thread before posting.

I just wouldn't marry this guy, I'm sorry OP but he just doesn't get it. I don't understand why you aren't crying, are you holding it together so you can still get married?

OP you are allowed to cry for the life you thought you were going to have. You are also allowed to get angry.

Unfortunately whatever his illogical reasons for not wanting a child are, they are legit so don't try to change his mind.

Once you have calmed down slightly go about separating and cancelling the wedding. Then spend a few months grieving.

Remember you have spared yourself future pain.