To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

I second GRAPHISTAS post op....getting married is a huge decision you must not do it unless you are sure of him.

Sod the costs/embarrasment/awkwardness none of that will matter in a years time....to have children or not is a massive choice.

Imagine your life in 5 years then 10 years, then 20 years, with and without kids, how does each option feel?

That was my decision made when l was where you are, l just couldn't see my future with no Dcs in it.

I started trying at 34 and suffered a miscarriage and 2 ectopic pregnancies, before finally having 2 wonderful children 16 months apart....thank god l was so lucky. They have brought me more joy than anything else.

If he is not the answer, consider having aDc alone....it is doable...

Good luck

It doesn't make sense that he doesnt want to be an older dad and he's dragging his feet.

There was a thread recently where the DH confessed he never wanted kids...but said he did so she didn't leave him.

She's the same age as you.

Sort it out now...or I wouldn't get married.

I mean he’s 44, if he wasn’t clear until a chat this afternoon that he wanted kids then no, he doesn’t want kids

Why not postpone the wedding?

OP suspend the wedding and have some time and counselling alone to figure this out. It sounds like you need to be more assertive, this is your life we are talking about you deserve better.

How are you OP? Hope that your partner is now on board and the wedding is on track.