To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

oh god! you poor thing! This is very sad
I do think the sleeping on the sofa is more manipulation to get you to tow the line.
Do you have friends/family you can talk to IRL about this?

OP at least this has come out before your wedding. You deserve to be with someone who wants the life you want.

I hope he is sleeping there because he is ashamed by his own dishonesty but given his words before i do worry it may be annoyance that you have not given in.

Do you have friends or family to talk to? Do you have an employee programme you can ring for support?

You need to decide if he is indeed 'enough for you' or if you will end up resenting him down the line

This is shit but at least you know now. He's a liar and quite manipulative. He's nice to you when you tow the line but not when you speak up for what you want.

Be gentle with yourself and speak to someone in RL.

Why don’t you see if you can get a session of counselling together this week? Might help to have someone impartial guide your discussion? Before you make a final decision.

I'm so sorry wobble. I really am.

From here it looks like he hoped he'd be able to stall you with platitudes until your childbearing years were behind you, and if you did manage to conceive somehow basically to check out and leave you holding the baby.

It's not wrong of him to not want children and not to be willing to flex on this but it's very wrong of him to have lied and strung you along like this.

When you are feeling strong enough please confide in someone, friend or family member, because I think you soon need to (get that person to)start informing guests and suppliers that the wedding is off.

Even if he says what you want to hear tonight will you really believe him?
Do you want to spend your life on edge? Desperate to be a mum but unable to even try?

I have a friend who’s older husband ‘changed his mind’ on having more kids, in my opinion he waited until they were married to say as he knew it was a deal breaker for her.
She’s still with him but she’s 36 in an unhappy marriage with her chances of having kids fading rapidly.
Don’t do it to yourself.

He's right though isn't he. He loves you for you. You don't want him unless he gives you children and are willing to walk away if he doesn't. He's obviously come to realise that and it must be very hurtful.

And for hundreds of millions of people, that’s true. And nothing to be ashamed of.

For anyone who wants a family, it’s absolutely true that a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a family is not enough for them. That’s not a reflection on the individual, and shame on you for implying that. It’s a reflection of the fact that having a family is a fundamental non negotiable goal for many, many people, that isn’t just easily abandoned when someone comes along who you enjoy being with and love.

But I’m sure you know that and are just being obtuse.

Plus this guy has strung you along OP. If I was gonna exchange having a family for a man, it certainly wouldn’t be one who has been lying to my face about what he wants for the future until I’m down the aisle. Gross.

This is exactly what happened in my last relationship, he knew from day one I wanted kids around the age of thirty and said he did too. It came around and he didn’t after all.

He knew the entire time it was important to me and lied, either to me or himself, that he wanted it too, hoping he could just kick the can down the road to be able to stay with me.

Once I realised that was what had been happening I lost all of my love and respect for him overnight and walking away was a painful but extremely easy choice.

Choose the path where you have a chance of a family OP, I can tell from your posts you want it deeply and desperately, so you’ll never be able to be happy with this man. The resentment alone will eat you alive (it’s no fun being at family gatherings holding lovely babies next to your partner with everyone asking when it’s your turn and having to lie ‘oh we haven’t really thought about it yet’ to save face while knowing it’s the man standing next to you whose lies have held you back from finding someone who does want what you do).

People focusing on ‘he’s allowed to not want a child’ are correct and missing the point. Of course he’s allowed. I’m bloody glad he won’t have a child he doesn’t want, he’s one step up from the men and women who don’t want one but allow it to happen carelessly anyway then do a shit job to kids who never asked to be born. It’s the lies.

I am so relieved you know now. Imagine cautiously broaching the topic with excitement and nerves on the honeymoon only to go through this then after making such a public commitment? That’s true embarrassment. This is sad but it’s just a relationship that didn’t work out.

He slept on the sofa?!?! Sorry OP, but he really is checking out here. I've known several relationships where having kids has needed discussion, but not where the man has so quickly just stepped away like this. I was trying to give you an optimistic "give him time" angle, but he doesn't want time nor discussion and reassurance, he wants you to just agree to no kids. You can do that if you want, I know two women who have; one regrets it sometimes but I don't know about the other. 35 is easily still young enough to move on if that isn't the life you want though, I was 37 when I met my partner.

I've read similar threads on here whereby one partner doesn't want kids. The relationship breaks up and yet the person who didn't want kids goes on to have kids with someone else within a short time frame.
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Therefore talk to him also if it's you he just doesn't want to have kids with and why. Also there might be a bit of peer pressure from the friend he went to see at the pub. If the friend secretly doesn't like you, he might have given him negative pointers about you, which is putting more doubts in his head. Note how I said "secretly doesn't like you", two faced people do exist.

What a sad situation, OP. But honestly - it is so much better that you’ve had this conversation now and not after the wedding.

What was he thinking contemplating going in to a marriage with you, knowing you want children, knowing he doesn’t? That’s a very bad sign. He hasn’t been honest or willing to communicate openly about a huge life issue. That’s not the basis for a strong marriage.

I couldn’t quite manage at work. I left and said I wasn’t feeling well. He and I met at a cafe near his office to talk for another couple of hours.

We just kept going round in circles. After he would say “you asked me if we could try next year, and yes I’m saying we can” he would then say things like he’s really terrified and doesn’t feel ready.

I’ve told him the ball is in his court. It’s not just now an unequivocal statement that he wants to try for a family, I also need him to somehow rebuild my trust in him because I am feeling completely fucked about and my feelings disregarded.

I’ve packed a suitcase and headed to my mums. I said I would come back again this evening if he wanted to talk.

He's right though isn't he. He loves you for you. You don't want him unless he gives you children and are willing to walk away if he doesn't. He's obviously come to realise that and it must be very hurtful.

If he's hurt it's no-one's fault but his own. Assuming OP was upfront that she wanted children and it was a deal breaker he should have been upfront from the start to avoid not only his own upset but OP's too.

I think now is the right time for you, sounds ideal. I wonder about your partner's level of commitment.

OP I know a huge part of you is still desperately hoping you can turn this around somehow.

But you have to call off the wedding. There's no way you can get married in a month with this going on between you and with your trust in tatters. Consider it a postponement for now and if you work things out you can reinstate it. But you can't get married like this. You really can't. Telling people it's off will be a short term pain but divorcing will be a long, expensive and worse one.

Please, if you do nothing else, confide in someone you trust who can help you.

We just kept going round in circles. After he would say “you asked me if we could try next year, and yes I’m saying we can” he would then say things like he’s really terrified and doesn’t feel ready.

Uh-oh this is not good.
I’d be verrrrry careful here - the rebuild trust is a bit silly on your side because he is probably still lying about next year and it’ll be even harder to leave as you’ll be married.
Keep in mind he is 44 he’s had 25 years or so to see the word and mess about, I’m not convinced another 12 months will make him “ready”

I'm a regular here but have name changed for this as it's quite personal and I expect a lot of people will think I am unreasonable. I have also had major doubts about whether my now DH was really willing to have children.

• We met through online dating and my profile said I wanted children, his said he was 'unsure'.

• Whilst we were dating he would sometimes agree that he would be happy to have kids if asked, but would also make very frequent jokes/throwaway comments about not being a grown up, not being ready, would never probably be ready (he was already in his 40s when we started dating). I remember being at a friend's house who had one of those 'Best Dad in the World' mugs and him saying that he would never be ready to have one of those. I would often explain how these things really upset me and left me wondering whether we wanted the same thing. He would also make similar jokes/comments about marriage and explained how he thought it was a stupid concept. He also would say that if I really loved him I should just be happy being with him etc. and should not need children.

• I was so unsure about how committed he was shortly before he proposed that I remember googling what to do in situations where one person wants kids and one doesn't. As much as I love him, I knew that if I didn't have kids I would always regret it. I didn't feel like I could leave him easily but thought I probably would have to if things didn't change soon. I felt that although he would say that he wanted to be together forever, he probably thought we could just carry on as we were (ie no commitment and no children) but that wasn't what I wanted at all. I felt really hopeless - it would have broken my heart to leave him but I knew that I wouldn't be happy to wait forever either.

• Needless to say, I was rather surprised when he proposed. I have asked him why he would make all those jokes about committment even during the period when he was planning to propose and he has said it's because he think they're funny and didn't have anyone else to tell them to I think tbh he probably felt a bit forced into proposing/settling down/having kids if he wanted to keep me and was working through his ambivalence about everything.

• I was a bit worried even after we got engaged and married about whether he would be still willing to have kids when the time came, particularly as he said he wanted to leave it at least a year after we got married to have some quality time together and just enjoy being married and he is now in his mid/late 40s. But he has kept to his word and I am now nearly 7 months pregnant. He still does frequently express doubts about A) whether he is ready to be a father and simultaneously B) whether he is too old. Again, I think I probably have forced him into it a bit. I am aware that he is probably just doing it to keep me happy which he in all honesty I think he is extra keen to do because doesn't have regular work at the moment and knows he would probably have had to sell his flat and move back in with his parents if I wasn't around. I do feel a bit guilty because I feel I have pressured him, but then again I think he might be happy in the end. He frequently says that he wouldn't have ever got married if it hadn't been so important to me but that he's really happy we did now and it has made us so much closer as a couple. He keeps thanking me for making it clear how much it mattered to me.

• However, I still know that we're going to have a similar tussle in a few years' time as I know I have always said that I want 2 children and he has repeatedly said that one will be enough and he'll rely on the fact that he is nearly 50 to justify it. I'm just hoping by that point he will see how great kids are and/or still want to make me happy. I feel I have gently worn his resistance down before and may be able to again.

So I'm not really sure what my advice is other than keep talking to him and try and explain to him how much you love him but you have a basic need to have children which he might not be able to understand but it is incredibly important to you. Don't be surprised if he has very conflicting views and seems anxious about having kids. Just try and talk to each other about how you feel. A lot of men are anxious about being able to afford children so see if there is anything you can do to reassure him that it will be possible.

And most of all you have my sympathy because it's a crappy situation to be in

Whether you end this relationship or not, you should postpone the wedding. You cannot trust this man, he could just lie to you now and mislead ad infinitum until resent grows.

Better to know you did not make a mistake and marry someone just to save face as you will regret it in the long run.

@NameChange5678 that's absolutely terrible advice which I suspect you know, hence the name change.

NameChange5678

But your DH was open from the beginning about not being sure about children. I wonder why you dated someone who wasn’t sure when you were! OP’s husband has completely strung her along pretending he did want them one day. How can you not see the difference? It’s just such a huge, huge betrayal of trust.

NameChange5678 that's absolutely terrible advice which I suspect you know, hence the name change.

Talk to your fiancé is terrible advice? OK. Only on MN I guess where everyone is quite happy to say 'leave the bastard' at the drop of a hat. I haven't said he will change his mind. I just think they should talk some more and maybe counselling would be helpful if feasible.

No @NameChange5678 if you need it spelled out - the terrible advice is 'wearing down his resistance' as you put it to essentially force someone into less than willing fatherhood. In your case holding the fact that they are relying on you financially over them as a bargaining tool.