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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't have bedtime without a story?

214 replies

SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 02:38

DSD has told me on several occasions that she really likes having bedtime stories here and she's very sad "Mummy won't read to [her]. I don't know how trustworthy the testimony of a 6 year old is- let's be fair sometimes they can have the tendency to overemphasis things. But it got me thinking. I think one of the best parts of bedtime with DSD is when I get to read her a story. It's the time she's most chatty and it's lovely.

I really think you can't put a child to bed without a bedtime story on most occasions. I do think there are times when you can't; for example we came back from a holiday late one evening and she slept in the car and immediately went to sleep on return. But reading to me and helping them develop an interest in reading is so important.

AIBU then to think it's unfair to not read them a bedtime story most night?

OP posts:
CharltonLido73 · 22/07/2018 07:56

One of my daughters is a reception teacher and has seen a distinct correlation between the progress made by children whose parents communicate with them (including general chatting, telling bedtime stories and listening to them read), and those whose parents don't make the effort.

The mum is missing a trick here with regard to her relationship with her daughter and enabling her daughter as a future reader and writer.

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:58

Excited0803 I worry about him too tbh! As far as I'm aware his Mother stepped up and now looks after him since we broke up. I don't see any of them any more though. Staying in contact was only putting me in a vulnerable position and I perhaps selfishly made the decision to cut all contact. During the relationship my ex punched me, threw things, threatened to throw me down the stairs. This only ramped up when we broke up and I broke off contact when he threatened to kill me. So I do really worry about their son but what else could I have done Sad

@Pengggwn I'm totally fine being a jerk if being a jerk means giving a damn and trying my utmost with DSD and being who I am with her Smile

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 22/07/2018 07:59

@SarahH12
I’m a mother and read to my DC every night till they were around 10 I think it’s a lovely thing to do.
you do come across as patronising though she’s not your child what happens if and when you move on as you did previously?
I think you need to remember that her mother’s her primary care giver not you or even her father.
As for cosleeping with her Mother that’s her choice and it’s a natural thing which you might understand when you have your own children.
Keep up the bed time stories if you both enjoy but don’t interfere.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 22/07/2018 07:59

If you read my post again...no you don't, 12 days out of 14 is not the same as a lifetime , my DP does a huge amount more childcare than my Exdh does and he would not ever throw it back they way you do

Exhaustion is over years not days

Months and years of planning and organising and worrying

You have no idea if you really think you understand the actual responsibility, a lot of step parents absolutely do but your attitude makes it really clear you have no idea what it takes for the long haul....you frankly sound like we all did before kids....easy to judge

You did 12 days....fabulous ....what did you do on day 13? Sleep? Get your house back in order? Take some time for yourself? Now take that rest away....can you still do it without letting something slip?

Shumpalumpa · 22/07/2018 08:00

What is bloody patronising is her texting DP at the weekend saying "don't forget to brush DSD's teeth because she really doesn't like doing it and you must remember to do it and make her" (even though he never has any issues and DSD is perfectly capable of doing it herself, with DP just monitoring)

Well if the ex texts about teeth brushing then your DP can certainly ask her about bedtime reading.

I think the issue is you are revealing more and more about the ex which reads like drip-feeding and makes people disbelieve.

And how the fuck would I know if she has children's books in her house with her Mum?

The same way you know the mum doesn't read to dsd?

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 08:03

*Gettingbackonmyfeet no not just one stint of 12 days. I meant 12 days out of 14 over a number of years. I.e. roughly 312 days per year. More really as weekends were often cancelled as his Mum didn't want to see him. Which is substantially more than DP's ex has their daughter.

@Ghanagirl I "moved on" as you put it because my ex was physically, verbally and sexually abusive. The only reason I put up with it for so long was because I was concerned about the welfare of a little boy. As I said I've got zero issues with co-sleeping Confused

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 22/07/2018 08:03

We always do Bedtime stories here.

Are you married? Is she actually your DSD? You seem extremely judgmental of her DM. With your DP Questioning her.

Bet she was well impressed.

Well done reading fairy you are enriching another dc's life along the way....

Waitingonasmiley42 · 22/07/2018 08:04

You have no idea what being a single parent is like. You have only an inkling of what being a parent is like. I was a brilliant parent too until I had my own children and I realised how different the reality is.

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 08:05

The same way you know the mum doesn't read to dsd?

@ShumpaLumpa I'm not intending to drip feed. People are asking questions, I'm responding. That's generally how conversations go. And I can't say DP has ever has ever asked his ex if there are any children's book in her house

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 08:05

@Pengggwn I'm totally fine being a jerk if being a jerk means giving a damn and trying my utmost with DSD and being who I am with her smile

What on earth is 'being who I am'?

Honestly, if I was the ex, you and your DP would be on my 'roll my eyes and ignore' list.

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 08:07

Haha okay @Pengggwn Grin But thanks for judging us all based on a few lines. All of a sudden she's a saint who can do no wrong (because of course first wives never can on here can they) and we're evil and jerks. Well I'll remain a jerk and hoist my judgey pants up for parents who never read

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 08:08

SarahH12

The irony of you trying to tell anyone off for being judgey just made me expel some of my coffee from my nose.

MarthasGinYard · 22/07/2018 08:08
Grin
CharltonLido73 · 22/07/2018 08:09

All this nonsense being spouted about being too tired to read a bedtime story.

You have a child, you have a responsibility to do your best by your child.

No matter how tired a person is, there is no excuse for not finding the 5 - 10 minutes required to read a bedtime story. You can crash out after that, once the child is off to sleep.

Too many lame excuses on here.

Ghanagirl · 22/07/2018 08:10

@SarahH12
The more you say the worse you come across.
Out of interest how old are you and how long have you been with DP also why have you not got Children of your own?

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 08:10

Ahh point taken @Pengggwn

Exactly @CharltonLido73 I agree with every word you've said. There's no excuse!

OP posts:
Excited0803 · 22/07/2018 08:12

Did you report the violence to social services so there was somebody to look out for the little boy OP?

Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 08:12

No matter how tired a person is, there is no excuse for not finding the 5 - 10 minutes required to read a bedtime story. You can crash out after that, once the child is off to sleep.

There really is. With my DD, singing to her helps her to sleep. Reading to her winds her up. The story might take 5 minutes; the subsequent settling takes 30.

I read to her every day.

Ghanagirl · 22/07/2018 08:17

@SarahH12
It’s easy being a serial stepparent, most real mother’s wouldn't think reading a bed time story makes them worthy of a medal, they would be more concerned with keeping child safe from abusive partner.

CharltonLido73 · 22/07/2018 08:18

There really is. With my DD, singing to her helps her to sleep. Reading to her winds her up. The story might take 5 minutes; the subsequent settling takes 30.

How old is she? Maybe she is too young to appreciate a story at the moment, but will do so later on.

I remember when my eldest daughter was tiny having to make the room absolutely black-out dark and sing "she'll be coming round the mountain" 50 times before she would settle. It was a real endeavour every night. However, once she was older (say three years old) the story became a nightly essential.

Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 08:20

How old is she? Maybe she is too young to appreciate a story at the moment, but will do so later on.

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. A story isn't an essential if a story doesn't help with bedtime.

MudCity · 22/07/2018 08:26

Perhaps you need to concentrate on what you do for the child and not what her mother doesn't do.

This ^

Comparison is never helpful because you don’t know what her mum does for her 24/7. You sound resentful, judgemental and bitter.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 22/07/2018 08:27

I didn't get bedtime stories by that age. I could read full novels by myself? Can she read well?

masktaster · 22/07/2018 08:28

My DM was a single parent to me, and worked long hours, among other things, so as soon as I was a confident reader (around 4/5, she taught me to read herself), she refused bedtime stories, instead packing me off to bed to read to myself. I remember begging for bedtime stories a few times and being told "you can read!" and eventually just leaving it.

I remember really wanting bedtime stories, and my half brothers never had a shortage of them with two willing readers (their dad and me - my mother still wasn't that keen on doing them), even when they were very confident readers.

I've vowed never to let my child(ren) go without, as long as they still want them - a friend of mine's dad read with her most nights until she went away to university (mostly maths/physics books by the end!), as their time together, and I'm slightly envious!

MarthasGinYard · 22/07/2018 08:29

'But I do judge her for not reading to her at all or helping her with anything remotely educational.'

So now it's not just 'the bedtime' reading....

What a surprise