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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't have bedtime without a story?

214 replies

SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 02:38

DSD has told me on several occasions that she really likes having bedtime stories here and she's very sad "Mummy won't read to [her]. I don't know how trustworthy the testimony of a 6 year old is- let's be fair sometimes they can have the tendency to overemphasis things. But it got me thinking. I think one of the best parts of bedtime with DSD is when I get to read her a story. It's the time she's most chatty and it's lovely.

I really think you can't put a child to bed without a bedtime story on most occasions. I do think there are times when you can't; for example we came back from a holiday late one evening and she slept in the car and immediately went to sleep on return. But reading to me and helping them develop an interest in reading is so important.

AIBU then to think it's unfair to not read them a bedtime story most night?

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 06:14

Batteriesallgone her Dad also reads to her both at bedtime and during the day. Sometimes she likes both of us to read her a story or sometimes she likes just one of us. We tend to let her lead and go with what she wants so if she wants me to read I will, if she wants DP to read he will and if she wants both of us to read then we'll do one each. Though typically if we both do it one of us will help her read her story, help her with the words etc and the other will read a slightly more advanced book to her.

@BlueBug45 hmm possibly she may have issues reading aloud. She is highly educated so doesn't appear (on the surface but of course there may be underlying problems) to have issues reading herself but I don't think her degrees required reading aloud so perhaps you're right.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 22/07/2018 06:31

Well perhaps you need to concentrate on what you do for the child and not what her Mother doesn't do.

That's a negative path to take and whether you're aware of it or not, the child WILL sense your feelings and it will affect her.

theWarOnPeace · 22/07/2018 06:36

My kids are brilliant readers and we have tonnes and tonnes of books in the house for them. That being said, sometimes at bed-time I am absolutely done in and can’t face it. I would say I read to them maybe 2-3 out of 7 nights. That’s gone down from more like 6 out of 7 when they couldn’t read by themselves. They go up after brushing their teeth and read alone, then either me or DH goes up to tuck them in and turn off lights. I am very much aware of how much they enjoy me reading to them, even though they can read well independently, but, to use the common phrase.... you can’t pour from an empty cup. Not everything is about what they want. Sometimes you have to say “I love you so much, goodnight, sweet dreams” and go downstairs and have a minute to yourself. I’ve looked at the clock sometimes after reading to them and it’s added 45 mins onto bedtime. My time is so precious and if it’s the weekend then we’ve been together the entire day, if it’s a school night then I’ve sent them to school, worked, picked them up and been with them and totally engaged with them since we got in. I’m just knackered! I am very much there with them up until that point, both myself and my DH are very much into them. I read lots and so do my kids, not reading together isn’t ruining them. Also, be mindful of kids using the word ‘never’ for my kids it means a few days! We NEVER have ice cream, if I’ve said no to getting and ice cream, or we NEVER get stay over at nanny’s house, they did two weeks before. Never doesn’t mean what they think it means sometimes. Kids are entitled to have a moan, but take it with a grain of salt. Also, we don’t know much about her mum so What judgement can we really give on whether it’s mean or not. Everyone’s circumstances are different. Or again, maybe she’s knackered?

speakout · 22/07/2018 06:36

Reading at bedtime is not always necessary.

I read a bedtime story to my kids maybe 1 evening a week.

Other times I would sing, have gentle chats, talk about dragons and clouds and treasure.
We read loads at other times, ten books a week, but usually during the day.

Cleaningthefours · 22/07/2018 06:41

You're obviously a better person than her actual Mother OP..

Babdoc · 22/07/2018 06:53

I was a widowed single parent working full time, but I used to read bedtime stories to my DDs every single night. It was very much “family time”, the kids both loved books, and I enjoyed putting on the different voices and accents for the characters. They always came into my bed for stories, snuggled up one each side of me, which was so cosy and lovely, especially on winter nights. Sometimes it went on til quite late - lots of pleas for “ just one more chapter” etc. They’re both adults now, but they still love reading.
I think it’s sad if modern kids don’t get this, but I suppose some of them prefer computer games etc.

speakout · 22/07/2018 06:58

I think it’s sad if modern kids don’t get this

Not sad at all.

Bedtime reading is not the only determination of being a good parent.

No need to fixate on this. People gut hung up on other stuff too, like family meal times at the table.

It is possible to raise a child in a loving nurturing way without having even one book at bedtime.

PurpleMac · 22/07/2018 07:01

Same as Owl. We have a great bedtime routine for DS(19mo) that involves a lot of winding down. He loves reading stories and is enthusiastic so they do not help wind him down for bed, they get him all excited. We read a lot throughout the day instead.

Don't be so judgemental.

Redken24 · 22/07/2018 07:05

As a mum/stepmum - you are being judgey! You don't know what goes on at mums and if she asks for a story take a step back and let her dad do it. You had a relationships before where you stepped up but that isn't the same in this regard.

speakout · 22/07/2018 07:06

Do you have children OP?

PurpleMac · 22/07/2018 07:08

Also agree with PP that you are being incredibly judgemental. You have no idea if your DSD has asked her mum to read her a bedtime story, unless you witnessed it yourself - in which case it would have been the perfect opportunity to ask her why not.

Not everyone 'parents' the same way as you OP, and regardless of how difficult it can be to be a stepparent, it's a lot more intense being a parent (I've done both). It's so easy to be a perfect parent when it's not your child.

kirta · 22/07/2018 07:08

My daughter loves books and reading. So much so that if we do it at bedtime, it actually ramps her up rather than being conducive to preparing for sleep. We read, but not at bedtime. I need her to get to bed and go to sleep. As a pp said, I'm done in by the time she goes to bed, so the reading done by us is at a time we can both be invested and enjoy it, rather just because it's bedtime.

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:10

if she asks for a story take a step back and let her dad do it.

Ahh a classic case of stepparent can't win. Why should I step back when DSD likes me reading to her / helping her read and DP doesn't mind me doing it either. It'd be different if I was forcing myself on her against her or DP's will but I'm not! Everything I do is led by her and I have never once pushed myself onto her.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:12

It seems like a lot of you do read to your DC just not at bedtime. Which is totally fine! What bothers me is not reading to them at all. Perhaps my OP should have been AIBU to think it's sad for a parent to never read to their child / help them read.

OP posts:
Underhisi · 22/07/2018 07:14

Ds became upset about bedtime reading from an early age. I don't think he likes all the talking at that time of day.

PurpleMac · 22/07/2018 07:14

OP yues you're probably right. But instead you posted that you can't dare imagine bedtime without a story (shock horror) so that was always going to get people's backs up, suggesting that they are rubbish parents because their focus at bedtime is on, you know, trying to get their children to sleep.

thereareflowersinmygarden · 22/07/2018 07:14

I'd judge any parent who doesn't read to their kids if they are able to (obviously some may literacy issues themselves for whatever reason which is different).

I have a son. Bedtime story every night. I had bedtime stories until I could read myself.

I'm with you OP.

Rachie1973 · 22/07/2018 07:16

You are very judged OP. You’re also quite misguided. Most 6 year olds will be reading with their parents by now as they’ll be on the dreaded Biff & Kipper crap. So they probably are sharing books

Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 07:17

Of course you can put your child to bed without a story. She is the parent. Stop being so judgey?

speakout · 22/07/2018 07:18

Perhaps my OP should have been AIBU to think it's sad for a parent to never read to their child / help them read.

How do you know that is the case?

A 6 year old child is old enough to suss out situations/ play a bit of a drama queen/be a little attention seeking/play to the crowd. Especially when she is involved in a family split/dad having a new girlfriend/confusing situation.

I am sure she is a lovely child, open heart etc- I am not doubting that for one second.

But - if you have no experience of motherhood, and don't understand 6 year old kids, then you are being very judgemental.

A little jealous of the woman that your partner chose to have a baby with perhaps?

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:19

@Rachie1973 how on earth am I misguided to say I know DSD's Mum never reads with or to her? She doesn't read her school books, DP always does and she doesn't read other books either

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 22/07/2018 07:19

Meh, I don't think my parents ever read me a bedtime story in my life but I read alot as a child and now as an adult.

I don't feel I've missed out, I knew I was loved, they just showed it in other ways.

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:20

@speakout - I know because DP has spoken to his ex about it. And certainly not jealous of her. I have absolutely no reason to be Confused

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 22/07/2018 07:21

You don’t ‘know’. You admitted that in your early posts.

Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 07:22

Your DP tried to insist that his ex read bedtime stories?

Confused