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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't have bedtime without a story?

214 replies

SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 02:38

DSD has told me on several occasions that she really likes having bedtime stories here and she's very sad "Mummy won't read to [her]. I don't know how trustworthy the testimony of a 6 year old is- let's be fair sometimes they can have the tendency to overemphasis things. But it got me thinking. I think one of the best parts of bedtime with DSD is when I get to read her a story. It's the time she's most chatty and it's lovely.

I really think you can't put a child to bed without a bedtime story on most occasions. I do think there are times when you can't; for example we came back from a holiday late one evening and she slept in the car and immediately went to sleep on return. But reading to me and helping them develop an interest in reading is so important.

AIBU then to think it's unfair to not read them a bedtime story most night?

OP posts:
speakout · 22/07/2018 07:22

SarahH12

This girl has two parents. Why doesn't her father read her bedtime stories?

Rachie1973 · 22/07/2018 07:23

Is the child performing well in school?

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:30

You don’t ‘know’. You admitted that in your early posts

@Rachie1973 I spoke to DP about it when he woke up (as it's clearly bothering me!!). He said he's spoken to his ex recently about it and she admitted she doesn't read to her. What I don't understand is the reasoning which is apparently because she's "too tired". I get it, I really do. Parenting is exhausting. And for those who think I'm not a parent - I literally did everything for my ex's son who we had 12 out of 14 nights so I really do get it. But exhaustion isn't an excuse for never reading to your child.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:33

@Penngggwn - gosh no!! He asked her if she ever reads to her because DSD was saying she didn't and as we all know you can't always trust a 6 year old. But she confirmed she never reads to her.

@Rachie1973 re school no, she's very behind. Still struggling with level 1 books and still struggling in lots of ways. We try to do as much as we can but it's not always easy when you're the NRP.

@speakout - what part of we both do bedtime stories did you not get? That doesn't mean his ex can just check out of all educational related tasks Hmm

OP posts:
Allyg1185 · 22/07/2018 07:35

I don't see wht the op is getting such a hard time.

My dad read bedtime stories to me as a child. As an adult I love books and read alot. We read to my ds almost every night unless we have been out somewhere and its to late etc.

I read a story to him then I get my ds to do some reading whilst I listen. Even just a few pages is really helping him improve his blending etc. My dh does the same when he is on bedtime and he sometimes struggles to read aloud.

We have signed up to the summer reading challenge at our local library and ds is loving it and thats something I want to promote.

I think it's nice that your dsd knows she can rely on you for a story when her own mum won't. It's also a good routine to get into and hopefully will promote a love of books in the future Smile

Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 07:36

*@Penngggwn - gosh no!! He asked her if she ever reads to her because DSD was saying she didn't and as we all know you can't always trust a 6 year old. But she confirmed she never reads to her. *

Well, that isn't patronising at all, is it? Hmm

Somersetlady · 22/07/2018 07:37

I agree OP not being able to find (literally under 5) minutes to do something a child loves is a very sad state of affairs.

Shumpalumpa · 22/07/2018 07:37

And certainly not jealous of her. I have absolutely no reason to be confused

Your fixation on this issue indicates otherwise.

DSD sounds like a happy, healthy little girl, and the credit for most of that goes to the resident parent, her mum. Let the reading stories things go, it's not your DP's place to admonish the mum.

cariadlet · 22/07/2018 07:40

I think the OP has been given an unnecessarily hard time one here with posters jumping down her throat for being judgey (which seems to be the worst sin you can commit on mumsnet). I think the OP comes across as a caring stepmum who feels sad for her sd.

I wouldn't judge a parent who didn't read because they had reading difficulties or were anxious about reading aloud.
I wouldn't judge a parent who didn't read because their working hours meant that they weren't there at bedtime or they were doing shift work and were sleeping when it was their child's bedtime.
But I would judge a parent who was in the house, awake, literate and chose not to read a bedtime story.

When my dd was young I was working full-time and was permanently knackered. I still managed to do bathtime and bedtime with her and she would always get into my bed and snuggle up for a bedtime story with me.
I did occasionally fall asleep with her, but usually managed to get to the end of the story first!

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:43

@ShumpaLumpa he wasn't admonishing her. He was merely asking a question. Two reasonable adults should be able to ask each other questions.

I'm not sure how simply asking a question on here and asking my DP about it (once!) means I'm fixating on it or even remotely jealous.

@Penggwn how is it patronising for him to ask a question? What is bloody patronising is her texting DP at the weekend saying "don't forget to brush DSD's teeth because she really doesn't like doing it and you must remember to do it and make her" (even though he never has any issues and DSD is perfectly capable of doing it herself, with DP just monitoring)

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 07:45

@Penggwn how is it patronising for him to ask a question?

He is clearly checking up and you are clearly judging. Own it.

Batteriesallgone · 22/07/2018 07:45

Well this has escalated. First it was just bedtime, now the Mum never reads to her and the poor child is struggling at school.

Am fully expecting the next reveal to be there are no children’s books in her house

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:45

Exactly @cariadlet she is in the house with her, she doesn't work so doesn't have the issue of shifts etc like you mention and the worst part of it is their bedtime routine consists of them doing pjs, teeth and then lie in bed next to each other (they cosleep) whilst Mum reads silently to herself on her iPad whilst DSD has to lie silently next to her!!

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 22/07/2018 07:47

Oops no the big guns have come out

She doesn’t work

Still cosleeps

Someone phone the daily mail

RedHelenB · 22/07/2018 07:47

Mine always had bedtime stories but none are readers. We still do cuddle up on my bed on Christmas Eve for stories and the oldest is 18! However the child is being read to by you and at school so it's not particularly sad that the mother isn't.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 22/07/2018 07:48

OP on one hand I agree ,it's a big bonding experience with my two DC and both DP and I read to both (sometimes swapping sometimes one does both etc) And it's our bedtime ritual

But (and I absolutely say this as a blended family) I'm sorry but you don't actually know what it's like 12 days caring on the day to day (I'm assuming that's not all the time as you male it clear you don't have residential full custody) is a very very far cry from a lifetime where you are the one caring and worrying and doing all the crap stuff

In our house the reading is our immovable point ....it always happens BUT there is stuff that my Exdh can merrily do over the weekend and feel all smug and superior about that gets lost because I do the long term stuff

The making sure all the school and SEN admin is done ,making sure all childcare is in place that teeth are brushed and dentist appointments are in place ....all the long term stuff that is exhausting , the planning the organisation the dealing with the day to day tantrums

So yes I agree reading is important but you have not experienced the true level of exhaustion that can easily mean you just can't do something like reading a story so please climb down a bit off your high horse

It's lovely that you read in the evening and to be fair you sound like you muck in your fair share when you have dc but please don't compare , you simply don't understand and it's certainly not fair to judge (and before you say you are not....you absolutely are....dont wrap it up as concern it's faux concern and far more focused on the ex)

Cleaningthefours · 22/07/2018 07:48

I'd be very careful that there is nothing about you or DP that could be negatively judged if you want to carry on down this path OP..

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:48

He is clearly checking up and you are clearly judging. Own it.

@Pengggwn yes what's your point? I said upthread I was judging. If my worst sin is judging somebody for upsetting my DSD because I care greatly for her then I'm not doing too badly.

*Well this has escalated. First it was just bedtime, now the Mum never reads to her and the poor child is struggling at school.

Am fully expecting the next reveal to be there are no children’s books in her house*

@Batteriesallgone but she is struggling at school and her Mum does never read to her. I'm not sure why that's so hard to believe? I can attach a copy of her school report if you want and / or record her reading to prove she's struggling. Would that make you feel better? And how the fuck would I know if she has children's books in her house with her Mum? I've never set foot in there not do I ever intend to.

OP posts:
speakout · 22/07/2018 07:49

SarahH12

You have it in for this ex don't you.

Pengggwn · 22/07/2018 07:49

SarahH12

That was my whole point. Oh, and you sound like jerks.

Fitzsimmons · 22/07/2018 07:50

I'm with you OP. I read to my two every night and have done with both since they were about six weeks old and we started to establish routines. There have been nights when I've been exhausted and desperate for some downtime with my husband working away and no family for hundreds of miles but I've still found ten minutes to read to them. Oldest is nearly six and it's been lovely reading chapter books to him that are favourites from childhood. I do think it's sad that there are children who miss out on this. I get that for some parents there may be literacy problems and that for some children bed time might not be the best time to read but I can't understand how in other circumstances parents not reading to their child at all could be justified. My judgey pants are well and truly up.

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:53

@Gettingbackonmyfeet - as I said upthread I do know what it's like. I solely looked after my ex's son 12 days out of 14. It was exhausting but I still made the effort to read / help him with things. So trust me, I do understand the exhaustion.

And as I have already said several times. I AM JUDGING!!

Ugh it seems you can't say anything here. I only mentioned the co-sleeping as I was trying to explain why they lie in bed together. I don't give a monkeys if they cosleep or not I just meant they lie in bed together. The worst bit for me wasn't that they cosleep, I meant the worst bit is that they are right next to each other and she can see her Mum is reading to herself and doesn't understand why her Mum won't read to her instead Sad

OP posts:
Excited0803 · 22/07/2018 07:53

We usually read to my boy during the day because he gets distracted at night, but he's still just a baby getting used to looking at the pictures and words. Never having books at bedtime would seem strange to me. It's better to focus on what you can do well for DSD than what the mum doesn't do well; children hear an awful lot more than you imagine and it isn't healthy for DSD to have such a focus on criticising her mum that there have been so many questions around one small thing. She's fed, she's clean, she's warm, she's loved and she's generally happy - those are the only things that matter.

I'm a little worried about OP's ex's son. That split must have been a massive wrench for the boy if OP was caring for him 12 years out of 14. Who looks after him now? What contact does OP have?

Original poster
SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 07:54

You have it in for this ex don't you.
@speakout no not at all! But I do judge her for not reading to her at all or helping her with anything remotely educational.

OP posts:
speakout · 22/07/2018 07:55

OP you are worried about how your boyfriends ex and their daughter communicate in bed together?

You are way too invested

Get a kid of your own if you are such an expert parent.