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Original poster

Please help me deal with my son, 13, dating a girl at school

228 replies

User183737 · 20/07/2018 07:22

Hi
I need help as my experience if relationships is one violent marriage and a violent father. Thats it.
My son has a mobi phone and last night it flashed up a message from a girl saying she had won an award. To a club he has been begging to go to and he now starts next week.
There were also messages between them where they tell each other how wonderful they are, 'something' happened at school and he asked to kiss her but she said she wasnt ready, he said fine i will wait as i like you.
She has been asking to meet him before/after club as her dad lives near us-divorced parents.
Im happy he will go to club but pissed off he hasnt been honest about why. I also dont let my kids hang about the streets so wont be letting him see her after club. He also likes to go to school early so am stopping this.
Im concerned at his age about him having a relationship, i feel it is inappropriate and want to discourage it. I also feel discussing their kiss etc on whatsapp is trouble.i feel if they argue, he will be blamed. He hasnt done anything wrong and the messages are quite sweet but i feel a bit sickened that he hasnt been honest about it. Also that i cant trust him.
He is my eldest, i dont know what to do, he doesnt know ive seen the messages. I didnt want to invade his privacy by reading them but also dont want to let things go un noticed as he us so young. He gets time alone at home now but am going to stop this as she hangs around here apparently and has been asking to come round which will be an obvious no way.
Should i ban his phone? Stop him going to club? My mum shamed me into not being with boys, said it was disgusting, i also got bullied for being too ugly for relationships so if anyone were interested in me (they never have been or are), then i would know they were taking the piss. Im aware shaming him will make him hide his behaviour.
I honestly dont know what to do. To be honest im horrified and pissed off which is probably unreasonable which is why im asking for advice here.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/07/2018 19:56
Flowers You've been brave to post and overly strong to understand your feelings, while understandable based on your past, aren't normal.

Your son isn't his father, your son has you to guide him into what a healthy relationship is, but as you've had no experience you'll have to work together and be teaching each other.

From his texts it sounds like you've done a remarkable job so far.

myrtleWilson · 20/07/2018 19:56

Ethylred I take it you actually haven't read the thread..

op - you've had a brilliant day and I wish you every happiness. I hope your son (grumpy teenager and all) has a great time spreading his wings a bit too...

Mousefunky · 20/07/2018 20:07

Agreed with others that you urgently need counselling. CBT doesn’t work for everyone, it didn’t for me. People with more serious mental illnesses need psychotherapy and I definitely think you would qualify for that. You have undoubtedly been through hell but projecting that onto your son isn’t fair and I’m sure you know that.

The fact he understands consent already shows he isn’t taking after his dad and that you have raised him correctly. Not all men are evil. My best friend’s dad was hugely abusive to his mum but my BF is the complete opposite and learnt from those errors rather than repeating them.

Your son is perfectly normal for his age, he isn’t doing anything out of order. Most 13 year olds will enter into a relationship of kinds, they generally don’t last more than a week or two at that age.

3luckystars · 20/07/2018 21:25

I’m glad you are getting more counseling.
I totally understand, every man you have ever known has been awful and now your son is turning into a man. It must be so frightening for you.

I hope you get a lot of support and I just wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with hanging around the streets sometimes, it can be a good thing. Very best wishes to you and I hope the counseling goes well, keep going.

Worzil10 · 20/07/2018 21:33

Op your so intense please calm down

HemanOrSheRa · 20/07/2018 21:44

Have you read the entire thread Worzil10?!

Worzil10 · 20/07/2018 21:47

Clearly op has issues that need addressing but she is gonna pass them onto her son if she don't get help

Original poster
User183737 · 20/07/2018 21:53

Im getting it worzil i saw about it today thanks though. I dont want to upset or mess them up

OP posts:
CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/07/2018 21:59

Worzil10 read the thread.

HemanOrSheRa · 20/07/2018 22:05

You are doing great OP. Have you read any of the threads in the 'Teenagers' topic? Loads of good advice there.

cindersrella · 20/07/2018 22:09

I am Glad you have all of these therapies and had lots of support from people within the mental health team. That is a huge step in its self and people find it scary to take the plunge. From a lady that has been through abuse herself and seen domestic abuse within the house growing up its truly horrific. We are fighters though and will not let these people win. Counselling is brilliant and did wonders for me as did CBT and EMDR.

It's a long road to recovery but as you know with the right help and support it can be done. 😃

Worzil10 · 20/07/2018 22:18

Your son sounds lovely op try and relax and just make sure he is aware of all the pitfalls.

JustBeingJobless · 20/07/2018 22:28

You’re being massively unreasonable. It all sounds perfectly normal and he sounds like he has a lot of respect for her. It’s this age where they start to forge relationships and work out what is normal and it’s unfair to project your feelings into your ds. My ds is 12, I also keep an eye on his WhatsApp messages and I’ve seen messages between him and his friends about a girl he likes where his mates are asking him if he’s going to ask her out. I smiled nostalgically and will let him get on with working it out for himself. I remember being this age; all the turmoil and hormones flying round, and, so long as I’m happy he’s being respectful - which it sounds like your ds is - I’m happy for him to find his own way.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 20/07/2018 22:31

read the fucking thread folks, please, even just the OPs posts in isolation, jesus christ

TaraCave · 21/07/2018 00:21

Fgs... can people not realise that 9 pages of a thread will have update from the OP.
Why jump to comment and not bother to read the full thread or even just the OP posts.
OP hope all's still good with you x

jackiethelad · 21/07/2018 01:31

I'm really happy to read that you're getting help OP. You sound like a good person who's had a difficult life and hopefully it can help put things into perspective. I agree with other posters and think you're doing the right thing. Letting him have his freedom but keeping an eye in the background is the right approach I think. Additionally I understand the trauma on your part. My parents were protective when I was younger and then suddenly very liberal when I progressed through teenage years and, while I am glad they let me have my freedom as I definitely would have destructively rebelled without it, I do wish they had been more active in advising me. Always the "let her make her own mistakes" approach and turning a blind eye to concerning signs. Long story short ended up in an abusive relationship at 14 with older boy (16), was coerced into sex etc. Not nice, set me up for long lasting mental health issues. That and other things later on made me feel that my parents would rather have let me get hurt than have difficult conversations, a resentment which I still haven't fully shaken. So talk to your son, tell him you care, offer advice and set reasonable boundaries. The plans you mention in your recent posts sound perfect. He sounds like a lovely boy and very respectful. Give him his freedom but don't be afraid to have difficult conversations, and make sure you get your counselling so you can find out how to set reasonable boundaries. Things seem difficult but will work out in the end, you are clearly a caring person and trying. Very best of luck.

jackiethelad · 21/07/2018 01:32

Sorry for very long post, I blame it on late night rambling!

CheshireChat · 21/07/2018 01:33

OP, you just made a massive step by acknowledging your issues and trying to find a solution.

You obviously don't have an ideal framework on which to base your relationship with your kids, but you can build your own.

Definitely grab some books about parenting teenagers as you'll feel better equipped and less taken by surprise by new developments.

Also, be bloody proud of yourself and of your son, he sounds kind and respectful so you definitely got that bit right.

WellThisIsShit · 21/07/2018 15:49

Well done for calling that helpline. I hope they come up with some good counselling for you...

Ignore the egotists, coming in after so many pages but they are sooo important they don’t need to read the development of the thread, and just knowing their views must be soooo important and must be shared immediately. Yawn! They are always mean opinions as well, funny that. And completely irrelevant.

You’re doing well responding to your son now. But you don’t have to stop monitoring your sons mobile and social media ever again... but maybe just until you feel strong enough to be able to cope with any traumatic emotions triggered so you know how to respond well?

Flowers
Original poster
User183737 · 21/07/2018 18:31

To be honest I'm looking forward to hearing from them.
I don't have any close relationships full stop. So hoping it will help me to create some. I have a disability also, so find life hard generally.
I'm quite cool with it now. They have a date on Wednesday. It was the panic of it, rather than the reality, which frightened me.
I think I need to cool off from any possible threats, before I deal with my teenage kids issues. My teenage years were awful, my childhood until 9 was lovely. So will bear in mind that my feelings aren't right.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 21/07/2018 18:33

"horrified and pissed off" - not appropriate. He sounds a lovely lad. Leave them be and chill!

Original poster
User183737 · 21/07/2018 18:34

I've also pretended I don't know it's her. I talk about it as though he's meeting 'James'. I have also said the reason his phone was on the landing was that he'd left it downstairs and I was fetching it to him, but his brother was awake, so it ended up there.
I will warn him about checking his phone in a few weeks. So it isn't obvious I looked. I won't look again without asking. Although my mum totally destroyed my trust reading my diary, where I said I was being beaten at home and bullied at school. She decided to go mad about school Confused

OP posts:
Mishappening · 21/07/2018 18:35

Good luck with the counselling.

WellThisIsShit · 21/07/2018 20:32

That sounds very sensible.

I have a disability too. It’s very isolating very if you do want to reach out and engage with the world. You can find yourself completely locked away from the world and although that may save you from a great deal of pain, it also stops you from experiencing a great deal of joy too.

It’s like living in black and white. It’s safe and all, but... good to have the option of popping out to glorious technicolor once in a while :)

2ManyChoices · 22/07/2018 12:05

@User183737 my eldest is 19, he and his girlfriend have been together since he was 13 and she was 14!!