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Original poster

Please help me deal with my son, 13, dating a girl at school

228 replies

User183737 · 20/07/2018 07:22

Hi
I need help as my experience if relationships is one violent marriage and a violent father. Thats it.
My son has a mobi phone and last night it flashed up a message from a girl saying she had won an award. To a club he has been begging to go to and he now starts next week.
There were also messages between them where they tell each other how wonderful they are, 'something' happened at school and he asked to kiss her but she said she wasnt ready, he said fine i will wait as i like you.
She has been asking to meet him before/after club as her dad lives near us-divorced parents.
Im happy he will go to club but pissed off he hasnt been honest about why. I also dont let my kids hang about the streets so wont be letting him see her after club. He also likes to go to school early so am stopping this.
Im concerned at his age about him having a relationship, i feel it is inappropriate and want to discourage it. I also feel discussing their kiss etc on whatsapp is trouble.i feel if they argue, he will be blamed. He hasnt done anything wrong and the messages are quite sweet but i feel a bit sickened that he hasnt been honest about it. Also that i cant trust him.
He is my eldest, i dont know what to do, he doesnt know ive seen the messages. I didnt want to invade his privacy by reading them but also dont want to let things go un noticed as he us so young. He gets time alone at home now but am going to stop this as she hangs around here apparently and has been asking to come round which will be an obvious no way.
Should i ban his phone? Stop him going to club? My mum shamed me into not being with boys, said it was disgusting, i also got bullied for being too ugly for relationships so if anyone were interested in me (they never have been or are), then i would know they were taking the piss. Im aware shaming him will make him hide his behaviour.
I honestly dont know what to do. To be honest im horrified and pissed off which is probably unreasonable which is why im asking for advice here.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 20/07/2018 14:27

Best of luck OP! I have been there and knowing and understanding and using this knowledge to move on is so vital. Your son sounds lovely and is at an age where he needs his privacy and yes, he is moving on in terms of his feelings for others. It’s important that you can acknowledge this and be ok that his priorities are changing. I was aware of this with both my adult sons at around 13/14, that I wasn’t so pivotal anymore and that their decisions didn’t involve me often. That feels strange, but it’s also freeing because you’ll get more of your own life and freedom back as he moves emotionally away from you. Good luck! He sounds like a good young man. You’re doing a wonderful job.

blinkineckmum · 20/07/2018 14:39

All sounds very normal. You don't need to intervene.

Original poster
User183737 · 20/07/2018 14:42

Thank you. I think the shame my mum and I carry (ied-she died when I was 16) are different. She was ashamed that any behaviour I had would reflect badly on her. Her whole role, having given up a career for an abusive husband, was based on being a wife and mother. After he left her, with no money, hungry as she had chemo, our behaviour was all that defined her. So it was different.
My shame is based on anger, about who I am. I am angry that I have managed to create a 'me' which is strong and who, after having the same level of violence, has closed from the world and focused on us as a family. First, he isn't closed to the world, and second, he's focusing outward. The shame is that he's moving forward, and doing so in a way making him a young man not a boy, and I don't know how to deal with that.
I often wish to move away, miles away. I could do that tomorrow, easily. I have no emotional connection to anyone, I'm dead inside. I thought they were the same as me but they're not. (I know that's a good thing).
I think the interesting point I've taken is that LOGICALLY, I know what is good and not good. It is how it feels, which is difficult, because my feelings have been pushed down for so long, I don't know how to recognise them or even feel them.

I do want them to be happy.

OP posts:
Tink2007 · 20/07/2018 14:45

I can’t believe you are pissed off with him. Not many boys would respect a girls boundaries the way he has. You should be proud of him and the way you have raised him.

Tink2007 · 20/07/2018 14:46

A job well done I would say, OP.

Neolara · 20/07/2018 14:50

Can I just say that I think you have dealt with all of this really well OP. Best of luck with the counselling.

Roeslein · 20/07/2018 15:09

You sound very strong and self-aware OP. I wish my own mum would have had the courage to face her issues as you are doing rather than spend her whole life in denial.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 20/07/2018 15:32

I can’t imagine you won’t do well OP, you’ve have stepped up again and again for your kids, this is just the latest instance. I think you sound like a fantastic mum... I really wish you all the best. This therapy is not only for your son to thrive, but also for you. Whether you choose to ever have another relationship again is up to you, but it should be an option, not a decision made and never explored again.

Can I also add, that I don’t know a single parent of a 13 year old that gets it right all the time, or ever feels 100% confident in what they’re doing. It’s bloody hard! You should be very proud of him though, and the credit is yours.

GahWhatever · 20/07/2018 15:45

Wow. Hats off to you OP. What you have accomplished today is pretty bloody fantastic!
First thing this morning you were a gibbering wreck, terrified that you had some evidence that your son is growing up, ashamed that he may be, planning on a massive overreaction and completely wrapped up in your own DM's damaging philosophy on teen relationships/behaviour. You posted on AIBU (usually the worst place in the world if you need sympathetic advice) to have loads of us go 'erm, no, what he's doing is completely normal; you have a problem, you need to calm down/get some help.
And you have: rebuilt the bridge with your son, taken advice and booked some counselling, offered him a little independent time, not taken his phone/made a mountain out of a molehill/freaked out at him for having a girlfriend/allowed him a little privacy. All in one day! Kudos for being so self aware and having such a strong desire to be a great Mum! Flowers Star Halo

SharpLily · 20/07/2018 16:10

OP you are definitely emotionally damaged by your experiences but you also sound very sensible and intelligent. If you can carry on using the logical part of your brain, as you have today, I think you could conquer the world - your own world at least. Your son is lucky to have you.

Echobelly · 20/07/2018 16:23

I think in this day and age you should be glad he is forming what sounds like a respectful relationship with a girl and not just locked in his room with internet porn like too many lads are!

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 20/07/2018 16:38

I think you'll do well OP because you're very self aware and conscious of your own behaviour and what triggers it.

Purpleartichoke · 20/07/2018 16:47

They are having an age appropriate relationship and being open and honest with one another about sexual boundaries. This is a win.

A 13 year old doesn’t need to be “hanging out on the streets”, but they do need to be allowed some unstructured social time.

ExFury · 20/07/2018 17:04

Well done OP.

What you’ve done today, for your children and yourself, shows what a strong person you are. And what a brilliant mum you are.

Taking yourself out of your safe bubble because you want your son, and your other kids, to be able to love their lives to the fullest says so so so much about you.

Good luck, and well done x

Original poster
User183737 · 20/07/2018 17:33

Thank you x

OP posts:
Cupoteap · 20/07/2018 17:55

Well done you, that is such a positive step.

Sending you a unmumsnet hug Smile

Atalune · 20/07/2018 18:41

Keep talking in here and you’re really doing fine x

TaraCave · 20/07/2018 18:44

Wow. Just wow.
OP I'm so impressed with your update! What a strong mum your lad has!
You are amazing x

AppleKatie · 20/07/2018 18:48

Goodness OP how strong and amazing you are! Well bloody done! On the path to success now I’m sure 😊

NC4Now · 20/07/2018 19:10

Oh OP, this is really inspiring. I really hope this is a wonderful turning point for you.
I have teenage boys and have struggled with boundaries before, after my relationships failed. It isn’t easy to navigate, but you sound like you are on the right road and want the best for your children.
This is where the cycle ends.
You’re doing amazingly.

Queenie64 · 20/07/2018 19:24

That's wonderful!! You are on the road to happier you, because you have been brave and taken a step forward! The lady you spoke to got it in a few words "you don't know what a healthy relationship is" by no fault of your own though!!!!! I sincerely hope you manage to find a chink of light through the darkness!! You know a lot of folk won't even admit they need help, but you are clearly a very self aware lady, who loves her children!! You just need to learn to love yourself too!! Please keep us posted!!! Good luck and cyber hugs to you Smile

Beeziekn33ze · 20/07/2018 19:31

OP - having read your posts and the positive and thoughtful responses I just want to wish you and your family strength and happiness for the future. You have already achieved so much.

nearlyfiftyjeez · 20/07/2018 19:36

It is fair to set some ground rules regarding sexual activity but I would back off, he is developing normally

nearlyfiftyjeez · 20/07/2018 19:39

Just read your update. Your son is very lucky to you Flowers

Ethylred · 20/07/2018 19:44

OP, you're being ghastly. I had a mother like you and she had a crushing effect on my brothers exactly over their relationships with girls.

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