Please help me deal with my son, 13, dating a girl at school

[User183737]

Hi
I need help as my experience if relationships is one violent marriage and a violent father. Thats it.
My son has a mobi phone and last night it flashed up a message from a girl saying she had won an award. To a club he has been begging to go to and he now starts next week.
There were also messages between them where they tell each other how wonderful they are, 'something' happened at school and he asked to kiss her but she said she wasnt ready, he said fine i will wait as i like you.
She has been asking to meet him before/after club as her dad lives near us-divorced parents.
Im happy he will go to club but pissed off he hasnt been honest about why. I also dont let my kids hang about the streets so wont be letting him see her after club. He also likes to go to school early so am stopping this.
Im concerned at his age about him having a relationship, i feel it is inappropriate and want to discourage it. I also feel discussing their kiss etc on whatsapp is trouble.i feel if they argue, he will be blamed. He hasnt done anything wrong and the messages are quite sweet but i feel a bit sickened that he hasnt been honest about it. Also that i cant trust him.
He is my eldest, i dont know what to do, he doesnt know ive seen the messages. I didnt want to invade his privacy by reading them but also dont want to let things go un noticed as he us so young. He gets time alone at home now but am going to stop this as she hangs around here apparently and has been asking to come round which will be an obvious no way.
Should i ban his phone? Stop him going to club? My mum shamed me into not being with boys, said it was disgusting, i also got bullied for being too ugly for relationships so if anyone were interested in me (they never have been or are), then i would know they were taking the piss. Im aware shaming him will make him hide his behaviour.
I honestly dont know what to do. To be honest im horrified and pissed off which is probably unreasonable which is why im asking for advice here.
Thanks in advance

Op I really think you need counselling, and fast.

He will be a sexually active male and possibly within the next five years.

That isn't the same as being a rapist.
If you teach him that his sexually proclivities are abnormal you will damage him like your mother damaged you. You'll also damage his relationship with you and his siblings.

You mention other kids - are they boys or girls?

13 is not really that young. You are denying him the opportunity to develop a heathky relationship, and mentality about relationships. He and the girl in question sound very mature to be taking about waiting to kiss. It’s fairjy common fur high school kids to get to school early to socialise. I agree with PP that you need to lighten up a bit, make sure he knows about safe sex and the age of consent, then let the relationship develop abs run its course.

Also he asked for a kiss, got told no and said OK. You raised a good, decent kid x

Im not sure i trust any man not to hurt any woman or child. I just want him to avoid the opportunity. I know thats bad.

This is really unhealthy

What your son is doing is normal, what he is feeling is normal and how's he is acting is normal. He is 13.

You seem to have a lot of issues that your are projecting onto him. Without sounding mean, if you continue like this, he will leave as soon as he can, and you will have a very difficult if any relationship.

Hi OP. It might be an idea to start a thread elsewhere as there are too many people in AIBU who enjoy being nasty and kicking clearly vulnerable people when they are down.
That said, you have received some good advice as well so far.

It must be incredibly dangerous difficult to separate your own life experiences from raising your son. But you must have been doing a good job anyway as he clearly knows boundaries and seems very respectful and sensible.

He hasn’t done anything wrong and is behaving entirely normally for his age. Don’t worry and please don’t try to stop him.

The very best thing you can do is have a conversation with him about boundaries, consent, respect etc etc. But it may be difficult for you to know what to say if you have such negative emotions around relationships.

You have been advised to get counselling and explore your own feelings. This is great advice as you obviously have a lot of healing to do. You will be helping both you and your son if you explore your own fears and past experiences through therapy.

In the meantime, take a deep breath and cut the apron strings. Don’t try to stop him experiencing his first normal and healthy relationship.

Good luck

Sorry don’t know what, “dangerous difficult” is! I just meant ‘difficult’.

Oh Christ.

Cop onto yourself. He’s doing nothing wrong.

Honestly at 13, they'll probably break up within a week. When I was at school, 13 year olds in relationships lasted a few days max! Let him live a little- he just has a crush and it's not like they're sleeping together. You'll regret being like this when he's older 15/16 when he starts to get into more serious relationships and he doesn't tell you for fear of what you'll say!
It's obvious you care about your son OP and I'm sure you're a fab mother but don't think that their relationship at 13 will be a serious one

OP, you had a hard time in your teens. I had similar. Your son seems respectful. Talk to him about use of his phone - pictures, message content etc and trust him. So he is not allowed to walk home from the cinema because you class it as roaming the streets. Do you class walking to school as roaming the streets? If you don’t step back, he may respond by becoming secretive and telling you nothing (privacy and secrecy are not the same - think about it). Your concern is not misplaced but the way you’re showing it is - it has become about you, not him.

I hope you can find some counselling, and work on these feelings so that you can continue to have a strong and wonderful relationship with your son as he grows up.

From what you’ve written, he sounds lovely, and you should be proud of him. And proud of yourself too that you’ve brought up a respectful young man who’s open and comfortable talking about his feelings with his teenage crush, and comfortable to wait for her - which is great!

I can feel the panic, horror and disgust in your posts. That’s your past trauma triggering and it just rising to the surface and taking over. That must be horrible to be experiencing about your own son. You must be so panicked and upset. But it’s ok you know. It really really is.

Your son is not his father. Your son is not a rapist. Your son does not even know how to think like a rapist, or behave like one. He’s a lovely boy who’s taking his very first tentative steps into romantic relationships. A kiss. Which he is happy to wait for. That’s sweet. And lovely. And not ugly and scary or terrifying or dominating.

It’s all mixed up in your head at the moment, and it’s great that you recognise this. Look how strong you are... even though you are feeling all these terrible and devastating emotions and triggering memories, you are still fighting to make sure you do what’s right for your son.

That’s powerful that is. You’re powerful, you are.

I’m going to stop on that note because it’s important you hear that, but I’m also going to write another post about practical stuff about ptsd and trauma x

But, for now I just think it’s SO important that you recognise the good and the power in you, because this thread has been written when you’re so vulnerable and exposed and battling such awful trauma, it’s easy to focus on the ‘what’s wrong with me’ bits and the ‘I’m going to fuck up’ bits and not see the amazing job you’ve done so far, and how great it is you’ve come to this point in spite of all the crap you’re carrying with you that you’ve experienced, and that you’re determined not to blindly pass on to your children.

Well done . You’re stronger than you know to have come to here.

Ive just finished cbt, she said i was fine. I will never touch a relationship again i think im shocked hes so wanting one, people dont seem to cope on their own, just desperate for sex and being with someone.

You need some counselling, sweetheart. You’ve been very hurt and your reactions are skewed as a result.

It’s normal and natural to want a relationship, it’s biology. You have made the decision that you don’t want one, and that’s completely fine too. But it’s not shocking that your DS wants to explore relationships.

CBT doesnt work for everything and everyone. It doesn’t work for me. I have something called Compassion Focused Therapy which is helping me.

Your poor thing. You must try and get some help. Otherwise you will damage your relationship with your son, or worst case scenario you will pass your own issues on to him and perpetuate the cycle. Please don’t do that.

Please get some more help op.

When I was 14 I started going out with a boy from school (no mobile phones then) we were together a few years.
His dad was incredibly abusive to his mum and had pushed her down the stairs and put her in hospital a few times.
My boyfriend was the most lovely guy and not a bit like his father. He has grown up into an amazing person (still Facebook friends) and is a dad himself now.
He was always kind and lovely which seems like your son is too. As teenagers we did hang around on the streets on the local park etc but is that not normal ?
I am so sorry you have been through such an awful experience ! I have had an emotionally abusive relationship myself so know how destroying it can be and how you loose your sense of what is normal.
I can promise you that your son is being normal. Just because his father is an arsehole does not mean he will be too !
Tell him he can invite her round for tea get to know her and let her know you are there for her as this might make you feel a little easier about things.
I'm all honesty it might just fizzle out they could not even like each other next week !
Of course you can impose rules that they not be alone together she can't be in his room etc.
Let your son know you are excited for him it's a lovely stage in life and I'm sure he will look back on if like I have.
Take care

im shocked hes so wanting one, people dont seem to cope on their own, just desperate for sex and being with someone.

Please don't say anything like this to him! He will hide things from you and it's not so bad now he's 13 but if you have this attitude with him when he's a bit older, he won't tell you anything and that's where the problems start.
We know you're hurting but don't deprive your son of his right to a relationship just because you won't have a relationship again. Because it'll never be good for your relationship

You need help OP. You are not well. You have no idea how relationships work or how men think. Most people are happy in them or perfectly happy alone. I think your son dating has set off a whole new area of your issues and you don't know how to deal or cope. You never had the chance to develop normal relationships and it shows very clearly. Get help. More then what a message board can provide. You will notice that almost all of the answers have been supportive and kind, something not common in AIBU. That's because we can tell that you are struggling and need help.

OP your son sounds respectful and this new relationship/friendship sounds very harmless and sweet for 13 yr olds. I could understand if the messages said he'd tried to pursue the kiss after she'd said no, but he didn't and there is proof of the child you have raised to have respect for this girls boundaries.

i dont want a mature sexually active man in my house

This is a little concerning, your son needs to be ale to grow and develop healthy relationships. You will be able to guide and support him, but not control him. Just because his father was an arse, does not mean DS will be too! x

Ive just finished cbt, she said i was fine

Do you think you’re fine?

I had a 6 month relationship at 13, with a boy my age. We didn't have sex. It wasn't something that even crossed my mind - and he never gave me any indication it crossed his either. We kissed, and we went out on dates to the cinema and hung about.

I'm not saying 13 yr olds never have sex, but it's pretty unusual.

User183737 you need to get some counselling to deal with the trauma of your experiences. If your CBT therapist said you were fine, then that's not the right therapy for this.

The thoughts you're having about your son having a very innocent relationship and later developing into a sexually mature adult are not fine. You need some help to process what you've been through.

I've never let my kids "roam the streets" but there's a big difference between roaming with nowhere to go and waking to and from a shop or a youth club, that's not roaming it's just walking. Relax he sounds like a lovely lad.

OP I'm sorry you have experienced trauma at the hands of a very bad person. What he did to you and others is unforgivable.

Having said that your son is maturing and will find relationships and eventually sex. Please do not project this mans crimes onto your son. I am a man, my son will become a man as will yours. I can assure you that the vast majority of men wouldn't dream of hurting a woman or child.

Young men need to understand consent, respect and responsibilities of relationships but can we please stop identifying as all men as potential rapists. It does nothing but create resentment and awkwardness. Young men too can be fragile - suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45.

I wish you and your son well.

Ive just finished cbt, she said i was fine

I'll be honest, you don't sound fine. Some of the things you're saying, the words you're using and the assumptions you're making about your son are very uncomfortable.