Please help me deal with my son, 13, dating a girl at school

[User183737]

Hi
I need help as my experience if relationships is one violent marriage and a violent father. Thats it.
My son has a mobi phone and last night it flashed up a message from a girl saying she had won an award. To a club he has been begging to go to and he now starts next week.
There were also messages between them where they tell each other how wonderful they are, 'something' happened at school and he asked to kiss her but she said she wasnt ready, he said fine i will wait as i like you.
She has been asking to meet him before/after club as her dad lives near us-divorced parents.
Im happy he will go to club but pissed off he hasnt been honest about why. I also dont let my kids hang about the streets so wont be letting him see her after club. He also likes to go to school early so am stopping this.
Im concerned at his age about him having a relationship, i feel it is inappropriate and want to discourage it. I also feel discussing their kiss etc on whatsapp is trouble.i feel if they argue, he will be blamed. He hasnt done anything wrong and the messages are quite sweet but i feel a bit sickened that he hasnt been honest about it. Also that i cant trust him.
He is my eldest, i dont know what to do, he doesnt know ive seen the messages. I didnt want to invade his privacy by reading them but also dont want to let things go un noticed as he us so young. He gets time alone at home now but am going to stop this as she hangs around here apparently and has been asking to come round which will be an obvious no way.
Should i ban his phone? Stop him going to club? My mum shamed me into not being with boys, said it was disgusting, i also got bullied for being too ugly for relationships so if anyone were interested in me (they never have been or are), then i would know they were taking the piss. Im aware shaming him will make him hide his behaviour.
I honestly dont know what to do. To be honest im horrified and pissed off which is probably unreasonable which is why im asking for advice here.
Thanks in advance

Doesn't sound like there's anything inappropriate going on. 'Relationships' at that age are largely innocent (this one certainly seems so) and are common.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through but you really have to try hard not to let your past experiences effect your son. It sounds like a sweet and exciting thing for him and it would be awful for you to get in the way of that.

Thanks. Will reply in full later.

OP your son sounds like a fantastic lad & this is obviously down to how well you've raised him.
The next few years though can be very challenging .... and won't be helped if you snoop through his messages, distrust him & tighten the leash. Take a step back from this. He's 13. He's starting to be interested in girls. He didn't tell his mum about this girl (I didnt tell my mum I liked a boy when I was a teenager either, far too embarrassing).
Doesn't sound like your son has done anything wrong. Loosen the lead a little, step back and leave plenty of opportunities for wee chats with him. He still might not tell you everything that's going on with friends, girls who but at least he'll know you trust him and he can talk to you if he needs to

for you OP. Sounds like you've done a great job raising your children in difficult circumstances.

Glad that you see that you still need some help, and that your son sounds like a lovely, normal boy. You haven't had a normal model for parenting teenagers given what you've said about your own family, plus you've had horrendous relationship experiences. I'd suggest you contact rape crisis or women's aid for help accessing longer term counselling or psychodynamic therapy with someone knowledgeable about the effects of rape and trauma.

Your son is becoming a man, but he can be a lovely man, and will always be your child.

At 13 I met my first love. It was all very innocent- my favourite memory is lying on the grass in the sun telling each other our dreams and hopes for the future- careers etc. Please let him have this. He sounds lovely and respectful.

I am now with that first love- after Re-meeting through Facebook. We've been together 10 years and have a little girl. (In our late 40s now) I found out the other day that is his favourite memory of our teens together.
So again, please let him have those sort of memories. We 'snuck' around, not because we were up to no good- we just didnt know how to deal with it all.

What a shitty thread, the OP was asking for help as she admits she's been abused her whole life and needs help understanding normal.

What are you talking about? MNers have not been arseholes on this thread at all. OP has had more kindness than what is usual on AIBU. I think you need to read the thread again.

OP, your son does sound lovely and I really do wish you all the best. I am so sorry you have been so hurt in the past. I hope you can start to overcome the issues those bastards have left you with

"people don't seem to cope on their own, just desperate for sex and being with someone."

OP I'm getting a vibe through all your posts of "When he was younger, we'd have time together and it was nice, he didn't NEED anything or anyone else. Now suddenly hes off chasing WOMEN for SEX, doesn't want to be on holiday with me, wants to be out roaming the streets til all hours with god knows who doing god knows what, all men are the same, can't control themselves." Does that sound about where your thoughts are running?

Wanting and having relationships (not just for sex but actual romantic caring relationships) is a totally normal human drive for men and women and you don't need to lock him in a convent for his or anyone elses protection. It sounds like hes already being very respectful to this girl, and if they are being so (frankly cute) around the fact that they haven't even kissed yet then its unlikely anything more than that would even be suggested by either of them for quite a while yet.

OP, your son sounds like a nice kid.

I'm sorry you had an abusive childhood but the things you propose to do will just be repeating the cycle of abuse.

He's 13, he needs freedom to form friendships and relationships with his peers.

I think that counselling would be very helpful for you. You acknowledge that you are projecting your own fears and preconceptions onto your son and this is not good for him as he tries to navigate puberty. He sounds like a wonderful boy and you have obviously done a great job so far. You must know, in your logical mind if not your emotional one, that there are many loving, respectful men who are not driven by sex or threatening to women- help your son to become one of them.

I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that there is some free help available in situations like yours if you go through your GP.

If you are looking for help privately, You can find certified practitioners through BACP (Counsellors), BABCP (CBT type of support or thereabouts), or BPS (British Psychological Society) list of private psychologists (you can filter the list to show adult/trauma/etc). The trouble with CBT through the NHS is that sometimes it is a bit formulaic (does this and that and you're fixed mentality). This suits NHS management but isn't really how people work psychologically. I do think having some counselling for you that focusses on the concerns you've described is a good idea. You sound like a loving, caring mum who wants to do her best but is also feeling overwhelmed by trauma triggers. Being raped by a man you should trust can definitely be a trauma. You can see that your past is affecting your emotions and thoughts about your present. Lots of people can't see this. You will probably do very well in therapy, as long as you find the right person for you. This is strength-seeking.

Op, please seek further help, even something like a weekly woman's meditation group can help. I used to run one and it was massively helpful to those that were stuggling mental health wise. Also the support from the group in our informal chat, food and herbal tea afterwards was really positive for those that were dealing with issues.

Please post on the mental health (for support with your bpd) sub forum as well as teenagers (gather support and understanding regarding your son) and relationships (to understand what is healthy and what isn't). Split things down into bite size chunks and gather support around yourself.

Can your gp refer you to a bpd support group?

Read up on healthy relationships.

Read up on 'normal' teenage issues, how to help and how to support.

Do not be afraid of sitting with your past, break things down, look at all of the angles. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve for all that you have been through, for your hopes and dreams that never happened.

Trust your ds, he is a good kid.

Trust youself, you are a good person.

First of all, OP, huge congratulations on raising such a lovely sounding boy who is happy to respect his friend's boundaries. All kudos to you x

Everything that you have described about him: moaning on holiday; being secretive etc, sounds completely and utterly normal.

He's growing up and it's hard to let go even without the trauma that you've experienced. Have you tried specific trauma counselling? My friend is a MH and LD nurse and she swears by DBT rather than CBT.

Teenagers are hard work but it does sound like you've got a lovely one, and that's down to you.

OP I’m glad you’ve listened to the posters who have said you need to seek help.

Your son is doing perfectly normal things; and he sounds very respectful and like he has a great understanding of consent.

FWIW, having a relationship at that age doesn’t necessarily lead to sex. I had a few boyfriends at that age and it was all very innocent. No pressure from either side for sex. I started dating my first long term boyfriend at 15 and we didn’t have sex until we had been in a relationship for over a year, and were over 16.

OP, I just wanted to say how impressed I've been by reading your reactions - the responses on here have been fairly unanimous in the view that you need help coming to terms with your past so that you don't project your own issues onto your son.

This is a hard thing to hear, I have no doubt. You've accepted each response though as constructive feedback and not become defensive, aggressive or angry - all of which suggests that with some counselling and help, you'll be in an excellent position to parent your son through the next few years (trust me, I have a 13 year old boy myself so I'm aware it'll be a rough ride!)

I take my hat off to you, both for getting through your past and for being brave enough to ask for and accept help so that you can be the best parent possible to your son.

Like so many of the other replies I feel so much for you, and hope you are able to get the help and support you so desperately need. I wish you well.

I do have to say how lovely, respectful and kind your son seems. You have obviously done a brilliant,brilliant job in bringing him up.

I am the mother of 4 children now in their mid to late twenties. I am also a foster carer and therefore have been through the teenage years several dozen times. With almost everyone they began to have relationships about the age of 13. I met my husband then too, and we have now been married for 38 years. However, the age of 13 is also the age they become more private and no longer tell you everything, that's normal. As long as they know they can come to you with any problems, that is fine too. My own reaction is to welcome any friend or boyfriend/girlfriend into our home. Get to know them a little. Be interested in what they have to say and just be generally welcoming. Maybe when you go out for the day as a family, ask the girlfriend
along too. Things like that.

As for the "roaming the streets" - well they aren't pleasant words really, but in reality that's what teenagers do. They hang about with their friends in town and around the shops, or in our case as we live in a seaside resport, hang about on the beach together. It's just the norm. I have also found it the norm for them to go to school early, come back a little later so they can be socialble with their friends after a day studying. I think it can be very difficult for the young person if you do not allow that at all. I do understand that part and some of my children have autism and learning difficulties, and obviously need a little more supervision than others of their age. That's why I have found it important to welcome their girl or boyfriends into our home.

I did want to say two things though. From about the age of 13 they tend to become complete misery guts on any family holidays. I think I have found that with them all. However, I have also found that in their very late teens, early twenties, they suddenly want to come again!! So I am sure one day your son will remember those lovely family holidays and want to experience them again. Mine all have,

But the thing that most worries me is when you said:
If im totally honest i dont want a mature sexually active man in my house
It concerns me because in a few years this will happen to most young people. I guess none of us like that thought of it - not even though my daughter is happily married with children of her own now! But it is something that is normal, and once again being open and honest and be willing to chat and listen and answer questions is the best way forward. I hope that you can get the help you need so you are able to do this.

But if you really do not want a sexually active man in your house then either your son does not become sexually active and hence misses out on the opportunity for an ordinary, loving relationship with the partner of their choice. Or he withdraws from you emotionally, is not open with you, keeps secrets ,maybe leaves home earlier than you would wish, just so he can can experience "normal" relationships which include being sexally active elsewhere. I am not really sure which option is worse, neither are good options. But as you have a while before this naturally happens, and it does happen for the vast majority of late teeens, hopefully you will have found the right support or therapy for your sake so you can feel better about things and be there for your children as they become young adults.

Also I think you said about no longer worried about his education because he will go off with some girl (or boy). Well, yes hopefully he will develop a loving relationship and find the person he wants to be with - that's just part of being a human being. But you can have an education AND a relationship, it isn't one or the other. I think when my children were mid teens that's what a wished for them - to achieve what they could educationally, have the opportunity to enter a job they enjoyed AND found the person they wanted to share their life with. As I said I met my future husband at 13 and knew from the second we met we would spend the rest of our lives with...but I still got a great education and achieved well academically.

However, I must say your son seems lovely. Some of the children I have seen through these teenage years were awful. Yet they do come our the other side. Your son however with your support sounds such a respectful young man, and that's all due to you. You should congratulate yourself for that!!

I really, really wish you and your son well xx

User - I think you’re doing ok WRT setting boundaries for your son. I am in complete agreement about the indiscriminate loitering around the streets. My DS2 is 15 and now i’ve Let him off the hook. I pretty much know where he is, that’s the deal.

I don’t think you are wrong to look at his phone either. He shouldn’t have anything to hide at 13 (14 was my cut off point. I still reserve the right to look but I don’t).

We have to trust them, but they have to trust us. Trust us to let them be, be there for them, not lose our shit with them. (I cut mine a lot of slack because I don’t want any surprises.)
We have to let them fuck up.
We have to instill that however they fuck up (because they will) we will help to put things right.
And if we want to set curfews we have to accept that we will be doing the pick ups at all hours (i now pick up 17 yo DS at all manner of times and I’m ok with that).

I know it’s really really hard, especially as single parents. There’s no one else to back us up or calm us down, or even disagree. All we’ve got is is as the fear in our heads. You have to be brave. He sounds like a good kid. You’re doing ok I think.

Lovely post @helforddreams

Your son sounds very respectful and gentle. Please don't punish him for that by making him think he's doing something wrong.

You obviously have had a very difficult life, but I think you need to get help for that because it seems like it's impacting your son.

It is entirely normal, natural and healthy for 13 year olds to begin taking an interest in people in romantic ways.

Whether your son is allowed to socialise outside of school without your supervision or not, he will be interested in girls and will continue to do so no matter what. He will end up resentful of you for not allowing him to grow up.
All you can do is teach him how to be a good person, which you have already seemed to have done.

You are pissed of your 13 year old has a potential girlfriend and that he has told a few white lies.. or are they actual lies or has he just not said at all?

If you stop all of the things he wants to do then you are only pushing him away.

Why don't you invite her around or tell him too and meet her.

A 13 year old having a girl friend is normal.

Don't let what has happened to you in the last get in the way of your relastionshio with your lad .

I think this thread, for once, really shows how supportive MN can be. No-one has been nasty to the OP. Instead she has been shown kindness because she has had her own difficulties which she has been honest about these. She has been reminded that what she experienced was not normal and the way her DS is behaving is totally normal and it sounds like she is taking this all on board.

Hello I thought I'd update.
I agree that MN has been brilliant on here. It's quite a site. On one thread you can be told to f off and people can be harsh but when it comes to it the support is always there.
So thank you all. And thanks for not being rude, but constructive as I asked. Especially on AIBU!!
As one poster said he is also ASD. Quite gentle and quiet but little confidence. I have just picked him up from school. I could tell this morning he thought I'd read it as he was awkward. His phone had moved overnight but I said I was fetching it up to him. I just acted normally and when I picked him up he seemed fine and didn't mention it. So I'm leaving that unless he says anything. I don't want to make a big thing of it, and I won't look again, ever.
He has also asked to go to the cinema with some 'friends' (she asked him to see Avengers in the texts). I have said he can, I will give him 15 quid to watch a film and get a Macdonalds and mooch around town. He said he would like to walk home (the condition is he's dropped off round the corner) and will be home an hour later than the film finishes.
I said I'd like to encourage him to have friends outside of school. That he was joining athletics and already does judo and will start cadets too. I would like him to see friends at least once a week because that's what you do as you go through high school. I suppose had she been a boy I'd have been ok. I have 3 others to get through this stage and to be honest earlier I felt like jumping off our nearest bridge.
Perhaps more importantly I rang our local domestic violence centre and had a phone consultation. At first when I asked for counselling she was dismissive and suggested groups and seeing a support worker. But when I explained where I am in the journey-have gone through the police, our home is safe, gave birth, had postnatal psychosis, was diagnosed bipolar, needed full counselling and intervention for each child, with schools, social services, CPN, health visitor family support worker, homestart-now that's all resolved. I said that now I've finished psychology I'm well but left with all these issues. I told her about my son what I told you here and she said instantly 'you need counselling because you don't know what a healthy relationship is do you'? And that I need that to start to live again. And I do, you have all said I do, and you are right.
So she's ringing me back shortly, and that's where I'm at. I will reply more fully to individual posters in a bit, and will keep updating, if that's ok.
Thanks again.

Good luck OP, and here's to a better future

Well done OP for listening and taking it all on board and starting to allow your DS some freedom, but more importantly, starting the process that will allow you to move on and start to engage more positively in life.

Keep posting!

OP, I'm so happy for you. I think that just getting some proper, focused counselling will make your life - and your sons - so much better.

Good luck moving forward, I think you're a brilliant mum for just facing up to all your issues, especially bearing in mind your past experiences.