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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please help me deal with my son, 13, dating a girl at school

228 replies

User183737 · 20/07/2018 07:22

Hi
I need help as my experience if relationships is one violent marriage and a violent father. Thats it.
My son has a mobi phone and last night it flashed up a message from a girl saying she had won an award. To a club he has been begging to go to and he now starts next week.
There were also messages between them where they tell each other how wonderful they are, 'something' happened at school and he asked to kiss her but she said she wasnt ready, he said fine i will wait as i like you.
She has been asking to meet him before/after club as her dad lives near us-divorced parents.
Im happy he will go to club but pissed off he hasnt been honest about why. I also dont let my kids hang about the streets so wont be letting him see her after club. He also likes to go to school early so am stopping this.
Im concerned at his age about him having a relationship, i feel it is inappropriate and want to discourage it. I also feel discussing their kiss etc on whatsapp is trouble.i feel if they argue, he will be blamed. He hasnt done anything wrong and the messages are quite sweet but i feel a bit sickened that he hasnt been honest about it. Also that i cant trust him.
He is my eldest, i dont know what to do, he doesnt know ive seen the messages. I didnt want to invade his privacy by reading them but also dont want to let things go un noticed as he us so young. He gets time alone at home now but am going to stop this as she hangs around here apparently and has been asking to come round which will be an obvious no way.
Should i ban his phone? Stop him going to club? My mum shamed me into not being with boys, said it was disgusting, i also got bullied for being too ugly for relationships so if anyone were interested in me (they never have been or are), then i would know they were taking the piss. Im aware shaming him will make him hide his behaviour.
I honestly dont know what to do. To be honest im horrified and pissed off which is probably unreasonable which is why im asking for advice here.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Coconutcreampie · 20/07/2018 07:26

Let the poor kid have a life.

ThePants999 · 20/07/2018 07:28

There's nothing inappropriate about him having a relationship, and if you think there is then I can see why he didn't want to tell you.

Specky12 · 20/07/2018 07:28

Is this real? Poor kid if so!
You are projecting your own childhood/teen issues onto your son.
They sound sweet and innocent and responsible. What is your issue with him having a childhood sweetheart? Why would you ban his phone? Poor kid hasn't done anything wrong!
It's no wonder he didn't confide in you if this is your response. You need to chill out or as he gets older he will pull away from you even more.

notme999 · 20/07/2018 07:28

They're only kids. Make it clear to him that it is illegal to have sex until he is 16. It's healthy for young boys to feel like this and he would probably be really upset that you are stopping him from seeing her. I would let him go to school early and go to the club. Maybe not hanging about in the streets but it depends where you live i suppose.

Maybe ask her if he wants to bring a friend round to dinner but he is absolutely not to have anybody over when you aren't home.

Don't be too harsh he's only young and he's already showed respect saying he will wait

Let him be a teenager. It will happen one day

NameChangingParanoid · 20/07/2018 07:29

I think he is at exactly the age that relationships start happening, all sounds very innocent to me.

At 13, I’d also expect him to be able to hang out with his friends without supervision.

FullMetalRabbit · 20/07/2018 07:29

It sounds like a lovely friendship. I would’t be stopping anything like the club etc. If it makes you more comfortable then monitor the phone use - I think that could be wise as kids can inadvertently get themselves into trouble with messaging.

In the meantime I think you might need to seek some help for your own issues as they are extreme, but it’s not surprising considering your background.

Cheerbear23 · 20/07/2018 07:30

I agree with not hanging around street, but going to school early and a club to see a girl is fine IMO.

MrsBertBibby · 20/07/2018 07:30

He's 13! It's normal for 13 year olds to start being interested in romantic pairing. He sounds lovely.

Namechange128 · 20/07/2018 07:30

You've done a great job to raise a son who is so respectful of the boundaries of the girl he likes, and is so sweet to her.

Now I think your job is to back off a bit. He didn't lie to you about going to a club, just didn't want to tell you the full reason why. Did you tell your mum about your secret crushes when you were 13? I think that looking at his phone without a serious concern (like bullying or something clearly sexual) was a pretty big invasion of privacy, maybe if you are often like this then that would actually make him more secretive.
Please don't project your mother's hangups about dating into your son, he sounds like a nice kid, who's doing the right thing, and just needs some space.

Queenofthestress · 20/07/2018 07:30

At that age I started a relationship that went on to last 3 years. My cousin met his girlfriend at 12, they're now 16 and still together. Let the poor kid have a life and some freedom!

MissMogwai · 20/07/2018 07:30

I'm sorry for how your mum made you feel, but can't you see you will be doing the same?

You sound very controlling and he will react by hiding everything from you and just doing it anyway. It's really hard with teenagers (I've got 2), but you won't be doing him or yourself any favours if you carry on like this.

Don't you think it would be better for him to bring friends round, go to clubs, go out with his friends and build trust with curfews etc?

Jenny70 · 20/07/2018 07:31

It sounds like a fairly typical 13 year old crush. Let him go to the club, perhaps invite her over (stay out of bedrooms etc).

He's growing up, allow him this normal part of life, or he'll hide it completely from you.

Hospitaldramafamily · 20/07/2018 07:31

You're going to make him feel oppressed, ashamed and resentful if you carry out all the things you wrote in your OP.

He hasn't done anything wrong. I don't know many 13 year olds who'd tell their mother they liked someone

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 20/07/2018 07:33

I think, User, you need to take a step back.

He sounds kind and considerate. Yes he likes this girl. He wants to hang out with her. That’s ok. He’s just realising this, and I think you have to let him.

If you start blocking this (completely normal) behaviour you risk resentment and deceit.

You can either have him lie to you, hold back and not talk to you, or you can encourage him to be open, safe and reassure him that you will be there for him when he needs you. You have to let him try.

I know how hard it is (I have three teens and a pre teen). My bottom line is: I want no surprises. I would rather know everything, do the midnight pick ups, clear up the sick, hug them hard when they cry about girls than be kept in the dark and not be able to help them when they need it.

It does strike me that you are projecting your feelings about relationships and your mother’s behaviour onto him I’m afraid.

NC4Now · 20/07/2018 07:33

All perfectly normal and healthy. Don’t make the poor kid feel bad about it. He sounds like a nice lad, and the girl sounds nice too.
Leave them be.

MsAwesomeDragon · 20/07/2018 07:33

How old is he? That's probably the most important question in how to handle it.

I would allow him to see her. You need to talk to him about acceptable behaviours within a relationship and that either person is allowed to finish the relationship at any time. If you do a lot of talking about acceptable behaviours and red flags then he is more likely to have healthy relationships in the future. Experimenting with boy/girl friends as a teen-ager is all part of growing up.

Oblomov18 · 20/07/2018 07:33

Good God OP. Totally normal, and a kiss and hanging out. I'm shocked that whilst you may have an abusive past, you have no idea that thus is all totally normal.

52FestiveRoad · 20/07/2018 07:33

He seems to be handling it very responsibly though. You can't really stop him mixing with the opposite sex. I do think it is your history that is making you feel this way. I can't see what he does done wrong really, other than not tell you. Why don't you let his girlfriend come round while you are home so that you can meet her for yourself?

weechops · 20/07/2018 07:34

He hasn’t done anything wrong at all.
And I think you’re projecting your childhood onto him.
Can’t you just ask him about her and let him know he can talk to you about everything?
He sounds ike a lovely boy since he asked her permission to kiss her and respected her boundaries.
It’s totally normal for him to want to develop relationships and you can’t shame him for it, or punish him, that wouldn’t be right.

billybagpuss · 20/07/2018 07:34

If you're going to stop him going to school early in case 'he meets a girl' that would be why he feels he can't be completely honest with you about why he wants to join a club.

It sounds like he is being perfectly sweet and respectful to her so be proud you've raised a nice young lad and let him have a life without his mum controlling his every move.

adaline · 20/07/2018 07:36

I'm afraid I don't see the problem - he's thirteen!

LolaDolly · 20/07/2018 07:36

Yabu. You need to calm down. Your son is a teenager and will hide things from you. It's normal as he becomes independent. It's quite understandable he didn't tell you as he is probablt embarrassed. Just leave him alone. I agree to not letting her in the house when he's alone and I'd deal with that by saying you don't expect anyone there when it's empty. A talk about safe use of the phone maybe in order. Just a reminder of how comments can be taken out of context or spread about maliciously so only send something he's be happy for you, his headteacher and gran to see.

As for the club and the rest of it. Just leave him to it. It will no doubt end soon enough and he's just exploring his feelings. It's sweet.

You said yourself, your mum made you feel ashamed. Don't do that to your son. You really have nothing to feel pissed off about.

PepperAndPops · 20/07/2018 07:37

Poor lad! This is totally normal and he sounds like a good kid. If she isn't ready to kiss him then I think it's safe to say they aren't about to settle down and have a baby.
Please let him have a girlfriend and a social life - this is such an important part of teenage life. It's character building.

Dragongirl10 · 20/07/2018 07:37

Hi Op, please take a deep breath, your son has done NOTHING WRONG, he has been respectful to this girl and polite.

You are possibly projecting your worries rather forcefully.

Now is the time to warmly talk to him about what a nice, loving relationship looks like, let him know you know about his friend and would like to chat to him about her and relationships.

Talk openly about respect and consent and the absolute red lines of behavior, ie no pushing her to do anything however much he may want to, no inappropriate photos and no discussing with his mates!

Say you will happily welcome all his friends home including this one but he MUST be open with you, be very calm and smile.

Talk openly about the age of consent and why, (unwanted pregnancy, stds, legal age etc) But say if he were to have sex regagrdless sometime in the future you would rather he told you and wouldn't hit the roof! Then you could discuss issues then.

Talk to him in a non judgemental way but really explain the issues around relationships too young, remind him having girl friends is normal and fun, especially without the complications of sex!!!

Educate him to remain the kind respectful boy he currently is in relation to women, put a womans view, tell him what girls want from boys and how they want to be treated, tell him he will be adored if he treats girls well, that should appeal!

I have a younger DS and worry about making him into the type of man that respects women, as so many don't, so l talk a lot to him about others point of view and how his actions make friends feel.

I also pull him up sharply when he behaves inconsiderately or unkindly and discuss it with him, usually he soon sees the effect of his behavior and gets the message.

Please put your strong feelings aside or you may drive your lovely son away, tell him you trust him to behave well, then educate him on how to do just that, and welcome this girl but also put down fair ground rules.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 20/07/2018 07:40

My advice is that you should get counselling for all the shit you have been put through. It is not tour fault OP but you need help to not transfer that on your son.
You probably aren’t ugly but even if you were, ugly people can have loving relationships too, it’s not all about looks.