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Original poster

Please help me deal with my son, 13, dating a girl at school

228 replies

User183737 · 20/07/2018 07:22

Hi
I need help as my experience if relationships is one violent marriage and a violent father. Thats it.
My son has a mobi phone and last night it flashed up a message from a girl saying she had won an award. To a club he has been begging to go to and he now starts next week.
There were also messages between them where they tell each other how wonderful they are, 'something' happened at school and he asked to kiss her but she said she wasnt ready, he said fine i will wait as i like you.
She has been asking to meet him before/after club as her dad lives near us-divorced parents.
Im happy he will go to club but pissed off he hasnt been honest about why. I also dont let my kids hang about the streets so wont be letting him see her after club. He also likes to go to school early so am stopping this.
Im concerned at his age about him having a relationship, i feel it is inappropriate and want to discourage it. I also feel discussing their kiss etc on whatsapp is trouble.i feel if they argue, he will be blamed. He hasnt done anything wrong and the messages are quite sweet but i feel a bit sickened that he hasnt been honest about it. Also that i cant trust him.
He is my eldest, i dont know what to do, he doesnt know ive seen the messages. I didnt want to invade his privacy by reading them but also dont want to let things go un noticed as he us so young. He gets time alone at home now but am going to stop this as she hangs around here apparently and has been asking to come round which will be an obvious no way.
Should i ban his phone? Stop him going to club? My mum shamed me into not being with boys, said it was disgusting, i also got bullied for being too ugly for relationships so if anyone were interested in me (they never have been or are), then i would know they were taking the piss. Im aware shaming him will make him hide his behaviour.
I honestly dont know what to do. To be honest im horrified and pissed off which is probably unreasonable which is why im asking for advice here.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Zfactorstar · 20/07/2018 07:42

You need some help to work through your own issues before you sabotage your kids chance to have a happy and healthy relationship. I don't think you know what is normal in relationships and unless you get it sorted out you will just carry it over to your children.

SharpLily · 20/07/2018 07:44

Wow, your poor son! This is normal teenage behaviour! My mother's attitude was similar to yours so I had to sneak around and hide things, never got to talk through what was normal and didn't learn proper boundaries and appropriate behaviour, when instead I could have been learning how to handle and enjoy loving, respectful relationships as I saw my friends doing. It was torture and has affected my adult relationships all my life.

Please, please step back and think about what you are doing. You admit your own experiences as a teen were not good, so please don't repeat those same mistakes with your son.

Mummyschnauzer · 20/07/2018 07:47

He sounds very mature to me you need to give home freedom at 13 to both have a girlfriend who he likes and respects and to be with his mates without supervision. You need to seek counselling to address your issues because they will drive a eedge between you and your son

wellBeehivedWoman · 20/07/2018 07:48

13 is a very normal age to be interested in girls and it sounds like the messages you saw were sweet and healthy. What's the harm in him going to a school club or in to school early so spend time with her?

Kids are shy about telling their parents these things and honestly the worst thing you can do is make him think you're angry or upset or disgusted. That's a sure fire way to ensure he never tells you anything about his relationships again.

It's ok for you to have boundaries - you don't have to be happy with them hanging out in the street or being alone together at home. But you should open your arms to her coming round when you are at home. That's a much better way to ensure that your son isn't hiding things, and it lets you keep an eye on the relationship.

Have an open conversation with your son about relationships. Tell him they are fine and normal and that you are happy he likes someone, but make sure he knows the rules (not allowed alone in bedrooms etc) and understands consent (sounds like he has a handle on this so far which is amazing). Have this as a healthy conversation so he knows he can be open with you and rely on you.

Also - this isn't a criticism, but have you sought help with overcoming your past experiences? It sounds like you have lots of residual trauma from some very unhealthy relationships and I think that might be the reason your reaction has been so extreme.

FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 20/07/2018 07:48

He sounds really lovely as does the girl he is interested in.

By punishing him (for what, joining an after school club to make friends? Being kind and respectful to a girl he likes?) you will cause him to either defy you and lie to you about it in the future or not bother making friends at all.

I do know what it’s like having a mother like yours though. The result? I ended up in an abusive relationship for over a decade with a man I possibly wouldn’t have given the time of day to if I had more confidence dealing with abusive people.

AllStar14 · 20/07/2018 07:48

Oh gosh, you certainly have a warped view of what's normal for teenagers. He's 13, he is unlikely to want to speak to his mum about girls. Why you'd go to such lengths to stop him seeing her is beyond me, but that helps explain why he won't be so open with you.

Anxious2niteaaah · 20/07/2018 07:48

He is 13 years old, he's a child, it's a crush, don't shame him or punish him, all that will teach him is to feel ashamed if he likes a girl,

Just because your mother made you feel ashamed about boys, doesn't mean you have to carry on the cycle with your son and make him feel ashamed about liking Girls...think how your mother made you feel, and how long those feelings have been with you, do you really want that for your son too?

What is your fear?...what is wrong with him going to school early or a joining a club? What do you think or fear is going to happen?

If 13 is too young then what age will you allow him to like girls ?

You need to loosen the apron strings and let him have a life,

Original poster
User183737 · 20/07/2018 07:49

To all the 'your poor son' people, thats why i asked for advice.
Yes its for real.
Hes 13, if they were both 16 id be fine. Now i feel like shit for reading it, but then people say they need to be montitored on tech, so i just dont know.
Hes only a kid. He had a gurlfriend in primary, i was fine. But shes wanting to hang around the streets which is an absolute no way. But happy if she wants to come for tea. Hes ashamed of younger siblings though, he would rather it were just him.
Happy for him to go to club, but i will pick up and drop off. Shd also wanted him to go to the cinema, agsin im ok with that. But will pick up and drop off. Hes not roaming the streets.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 20/07/2018 07:49

This is normal. And I feel you as I didn’t know what was “normal” until I was thirty frickin three years old.

He’s going through the teenage rites of passage, as old as time. The only difference is we now live in a world where every damned thing has to be followed up on texts/social media/messenger etc. It was starting when I was 17 (in 1999) with AOL chat etc.

ANYWAY. Just back off. He’s done nothing wrong so don’t clip his wings.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 20/07/2018 07:50

You also seem overly preoccupied with “roaming the streets” almost inferring she’s some kind of ne’er do well.

Pick ups and drop offs are fine. But maybe give them an hour for a milkshake once the film is over or something?

NeatFreakMama · 20/07/2018 07:50

This all sounds like really normal teenager stuff, let him enjoy it, it could be his first love.

KitKat1985 · 20/07/2018 07:53

This is normal teenage behaviour surely? There's nothing in your post that sounds worrying. At his age it's normal to get interested in relationships and it sounds like it's all been pretty innocent teenage crush type stuff so far, so why all the anxiety?

You need to step back and let this develop, with the possible exception of making it clear that it's illegal to have sex before the age of 16.

I suspect you may have become your own worst enemy here by making him feel he can't talk to you openly about things because of your reaction, but then complaining that he is hiding things like this from you.

Original poster
User183737 · 20/07/2018 07:55

Im scared for both of them. Him for getting into something too young and being punished for it. Her for not being ready if he wants to do something.
If im totally honest i dont want a mature sexually active man in my house, which he is naturally growing into. I never thought of this when he was little. The idea of it makes me feel sick, again thats my own projecting.
I also was thinking of reducing hrs at work to put everything into their education. Now I dont see as much of a point because he will only sod off with some girl one day anyway.
I do get that these are odd feelings, i dont want to make him ashamed, thats why im asking advice. I can cope with criticism but it needs to be constructive or its not useful.
I'm not hurt by being called anything, im looking to deal with my son and how to parent him because i dont know.
I also dont want him to be sad or angry. I just dont know what to expect. As kids we were v rural so i never got the chance to see anyone. We are urban so its different.

OP posts:
Cherubfish · 20/07/2018 07:55

My mum shamed me into not being with boys, said it was disgusting - can you see that you'll be going down the same path as your mum if you're not careful?

Queenie64 · 20/07/2018 07:56

You have had some terrible experiences in your life, which clearly need addressing. Would be a good idea for you to seek some counselling. Dont let the actions of a few ignorant idiots ruin the rest of your life and the way you treat yourself. You must keep in the front of your mind that your son is not your ex partner, or your father!! i completely understand your anxieties, maybe you are worried he will turn into them. You sound like a lovely lady, and i am sure that being brought up by you has influenced him in a good way!!! you must not stop him from living his life!! what he is doing is completely normal, if you interfere, you risk pushing him away and him becoming even more secretive!! he sounds like a good boy and isnt doing anything wrong!!! i have two teens, they dont tell me everything!! i didnt tell my parents everything!!! this is all normal teen behaviour!!! we are their mums not their best buddy!!! its normal for mums to worry, but i dont think you should be infringing his privacy, unless you have a genuine concern. Just be proud that you have a lovely and considerate son. Take care x

claraschu · 20/07/2018 07:57

I don't see how he has been dishonest? When you are 113, isn't it just a bit private and maybe embarrassing to tell your mum you want to go to a club because you have a crush on a girl?

Also, I think always picking up and dropping off a 13 year old is over the top. They need a bit of time to roam around- not too much time, just a bit!

Meepmoop · 20/07/2018 07:58

I started going out with someone at 13 and we have now been together for 14 years and married for 2

SillySillySausage · 20/07/2018 07:58

Your response to this seems very extreme. I can't see anything terrible that has happened or that he has done. I also can totally understand why a kid wouldn't tell his Mum that he fancies someone. Can you imagine anything more embarrassing.

(It is right for you to check his phone at that age.)

claraschu · 20/07/2018 07:58

sorry about typos

SillySillySausage · 20/07/2018 07:59

Ah, just read your updated post, clearly there are some big issues that you have that you are projecting onto your son.

missymayhemsmum · 20/07/2018 08:00

You had a horrible upbringing with regard to relationships, and you surely don't want to do the same to your son!?

He sounds like a lovely young man who has an entirely appropriate relationship with a girl of the same age- they want to go to the club together, and spend time together outside school, but she isn't ready to kiss him and he's respectful of that.

Tell him you found the messages and that they made you uncomfortable because he is growing up, but that it's ok. He's old enough to have a female friend and for there to be a romantic element to that but not discourage him from going beyond a kiss until they are over 16. Be there for him, especially if his heart gets broken for the first time.
And go and get some counselling for yourself and space to heal, for youe son's sake and your own.

Cupoteap · 20/07/2018 08:00

Your last post is very alarming.
Is there something in your past that is the cause of these extreme feelings?

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2018 08:00

I think your previous relationship history is clouding your view on this.

It is perfectly normal for a teenage boy to like a girl at school and it sounds as if he's behaved very well with her. It would be great if you could encourage this and have the girl over so you can model and chat with your son about good behaviour within a relationship.

If you come down on him like a ton of bricks over this girl when he has done nothing wrong you will likely push him away so he will never trust you to confide in and you will isolate him so he will be left to navigate the relationship with his first girlfriend alone.

Good luck

Cherubfish · 20/07/2018 08:01

OK, here's my (hopefully constructive) advice:

I also dont let my kids hang about the streets so wont be letting him see her after club - I think you could relax this a little, say half an hour after club is OK (what time does club finish and how does he get home?)
He also likes to go to school early so am stopping this - no, don't stop this
i feel a bit sickened that he hasnt been honest about it. Also that i cant trust him - try to overcome these feelings, he has done nothing wrong
He gets time alone at home now but am going to stop this as she hangs around here - that's fair enough, I can see why you wouldn't want them alone at your home together
Should i ban his phone? - definitely not
Stop him going to club? - no

Hope that helps.

Alwayscommuting · 20/07/2018 08:02

Please don't panic. I had my first "boyfriend" about that age. No harm done, we held hands and I think we eventually had a wee peck but it wasn't anything more than that. I do know that if my mum has clamped down on it it probably would have driven me further. As it was it ran its course.