To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

My son was an accident when I was going to be a surrogate for a friend

He does know this and I call him my free IVF baby - he thinks it’s funny and he knows his father and I adore him even though we separated when I was of.

*pg

What on earth would that achieve other than to make her feel that she’s not as wanted as the other children? Would it make you feel better about yourself? She’ll grow up having her own opinions about being in a family of four- either thinking it was messy and fun and lovely or that it was a strain and the family didn’t have as much because of it. Or maybe somewhere in between.

I think the siblings may slip up one day and say she was a surprise.
I think it's not what you say it's the way that you say it.

I was a huge surprise to my mum and dad as mum was told she wouldnt be abke to conceive so blew caution to the wind. She tells the tale that I'm around because her and dad had been to a great party and she enjoyed to many cherry B's. It's done with humour and there's no doubt I am loved. Eveb now when mum is going to a party we all joke 'stay off the cherry B's mum, you know what happens! ( Even though she hasn't drunk that for 40 years!)
I hope with mine that I didn't want any but ended up with two ( true story, long story!) But everyone in the family is loved, knows it and lived back!

No. Don’t do it. Don’t nickname her “Oops” either.

Please don't project your regrets on to her. It's a very selfish thing to do.

Maybe she will want four kids in the future by choice, let her make her own decisions. Not everyone is career orientated and also there are some women with 4 children who still manage will careers. My former manager at the local council had 6! She was still able to get to a senior position in the organisation but obviously that was her choice.

Both brother and daughter were ‘ mistakes’, both fully aware from early days and both confident happy adults now. We never hid anything so no sudden surprises. They knew they were and are greatly loved. Don’t know if any help. Enjoy your family they sound great

As an aside, op, if it helps... Mr Elbows is one of 6 children and at one stage one of 13 people living in a three bedroom flat with one bathroom. He didn't need to be told that replicating that situation was a bad idea. Neither he nor any of his siblings has gone on to have a large family. He chose to have a vasectomy to ensure there was no danger of that happening. Your children will, with sensible input from you, be ok.

I am not even sure why you are thinking of this. It's like you want her to know how what you have lost and given up because she was conceived. I worry about your relationship with her already. I overheard my mum telling someone when I was 5 that she had unexpectedly fallen pregnant with my sister. I translated this when I was older that she was a 'mistake' not in a bad way - my parents told me that they then had my even younger sister to keep this sister company due to the age gap with me. But I mentioned it without thinking when I was a teenager - and my sister was devastated. Literally took her years to get over it. A pleasant surprise sounds much better than a 'mistake'.

I don’t understand this “so no sudden surprises”. What do you think is going to happen, someone will jump out from behind a bush and tell them?

Who would know? Do you mean you moaned when you were pregnant that you didn’t want to be and those people will one day tell the child?

That’s horrid on so many levels.

You know the answer. but you got a busy thread out of it.

Job done.

Are you ok op? This isnt a normal thing to think. It sounds like you regret it, which is ok, but you need to work on feeling different. Could be PND, or you just need longer to get used to it.
My last baby was like a bomb into my settled life. It will never be the same, every day is hard. But i am ok with it now, i neede a LOT of help though. And to grieve what i losg while everyone was telling me how 'lucky' i was

...and you also mentioned you don't want her to follow in your footsteps... follow in your footsteps with what? You said you had a contraception failure. I am one of 5 - and I can imagine 4 is tricky. Please see your doctor - they might be able to help with a referral for counselling in dealing with the stress. Some counseling can be done over the phone .

I say surprise , much nicer than mistake!

Sorry but you sound awful - what would telling her do? You want to tell your child - sorry dear I love you but you were unwanted. I have a friend whose mother told her this - when she was an adult. The relationship is now fractured, even though her mother says ‘she was very much wanted’ my friend has never and will never forgive her. I have seen the fallout of this - please don’t do it.

Yeah, my DS knows he was a surprise. The best surprise of my life.
He also knows he’s very much loved. I think all round context counts for a lot.

If the others knows she was a surprise then by all means tell her so she doesn't get teased but don't tell her she's a mistake or an accident that's just cruel! Tell her you thought you had had all your babies and she had other ideas and gave you a happy surprise. Be more honest when she's an adult if you really need to, or it comes up in conversation that contraception failed but by christ do not use accident or mistake when talking about her.
My younger sister found out she's a mistake baby as a teen it was all a joke when it came out but now as an adult she suffers mental health issues and it troubles her to think she wasn't wanted even though she was loved and spoiled from the minute she was born till well now still for being the baby of the family.. But she can't get it out her mind at times and gets her so low that parents thought oh shit when they discovered my mum was pregnant with her.

None of my 2 children were planned, just happy accidents. The first one was hard but when I look at him, wouldn't change it for the world.

What is the point of telling her that? It will make her feel unwanted and will not prevent her from anything. The message can be conveyed in a different way, without making her feel like she’s a burden.

Starlight, you sound nice. Have a think

Please don't ever tell her anything like this. MyDH was told similar as a child and at the age of nearly 60 is still affected by it. All children need to feel loved unconditionally.

Totally agree with custard. Told mine she was a happy surprise and she has always been fully confident and during teen arguments ( that happen in every family) when ‘ accident’ was thrown at her she had all her answers ready. She’s an absolute joy as your lo is

why ,would you do that?my sister was conceived before my parents were married it was the early 70,s and they both came from catholic families so they got married and had my sister and then me they are still together and very happy and whilst my sister wasent planned i dont think they have ever regarded her as a mistake unplanned yes, but they have always loved both of us unconditionally an unplanned child isnt a mistake ffs.

It would be abusive for you to say this and would completely damage the way she thinks of you and her father, her own self image and the way she relates to her siblings. I’m not goIng to beat about the bush here...what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you EVER consider saying this? What would you hope to achieve? Think about it...

I’m mid-30s now and I’m having counselling because of extensive abuse as a child. My mother made it clear that I was a mistake. It wasn’t said unkindly. But it WAS unkind. It was downright bloody cruel. I was 13 and getting bullied at school. The kids had figured out there was a 20 year age gap between me and my sibling and said “you must have been a mistake.” and taunted me saying “you f*d your parents lives haha, there’s no way you were wanted.”

I repeated this at home to both parents and my Mum burst out laughing and said “well you were a mistake! I was gutted. Thought you were the flu, I was so angry at your Dad when the Doctor told me.” It was made very, very clear that I wasn’t wanted, even if somewhere down the line they’d came round to the idea. Even recently my Mum has said, “you were an accident but you must have been meant to be cos you’re my best friend.”

That doesn’t make up for it. The abuse and bullying made me feel worthless...finding out I’m only here cos a condom broke pretty much finished me off...I started seeing myself as a huge mistake who didn’t really have a right to be here. I started seeing myself as “God’s fuck up”. I’ve always since then felt like I have to earn my place here and very bitter that my parents told me. It’s ok for them, they were both first born son and daughter, very much planned and wanted and hoped for and can have no idea to know what it’s like to be a mistake. They had an accident before me and aborted that. My mother suffered a perforated uterus as the abortion went wrong and was extremely ill then struggled with her mental health following the abortion. I have no doubt if it wasn’t for all that, I would have been aborted too and for many years I wished I had have been because I don’t really feel like I have a right to this life.

I’ll repeat again...it would be extremely cruel and abusive to tell your daughter she was a mistake. Don’t even tell her she was unplanned...she’ll still pick up that you didn’t really want her. Love her. Cherish her. Educate her about contraception but don’t include her as an example of what can go wrong. She REALLY doesn’t need to know.

My 9 year old knows that I fell pregnant with her on the coil.

I have told her she clearly wanted to be our daughter because she knew how much she would be loved. She loves hearing the story of the day I went to hospital and found out I was pregnant with the coil in place.

Of course I haven't told her how difficult that time actually was for me and she thinks it is really special. It doesn't have to be abusive or cruel. I would never use the words mistake or accident, not in a million years.

My older children were aware of the situation, I always thought it might come out one day anyway.