To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

Jesus you even need to ask that question? Really? My mum has told my brother and myself that she wanted us but our father didn’t. Can you imagine how that’s affected us both? Our relationships and that with our father?

Just because you're not wanted at the time doesn't mean you're unloved. It's ridiculous to think that all children are wanted or planned! That's not real life.

I don’t agree that a large age gap between siblings means it’s obvious that one of them was a mistake. Many people could encounter fertility problems and take years to conceive a second child. Some people may also have the first child and it prove a lot harder than they thought or have financial difficulties and then years later feel they are better ready for another or can now afford a nother child. There are many reasons siblings can have larger age gaps.

You're horrible ☹️

Or being remarried or in a new relationship can also result in the above. It’s certainly doesn’t mean one child is a mistake.

She was a surprise, but not a mistake, How could you damage a child by saying they were never wanted?

Please don’t tell her, ever. It’s one thing for a sibling to say she was a mistake/accident/surprise, but no parent should ever say it.

The op said she wouldn’t word it that way in her OP, some people are being unfair on here.

It was your mistake not hers. Why would you say anything to her or anyone else about it?

Speaking as #9 in the family, I’d have been devastated if my parents told me I was a mistake and the child that tipped them into “too many”. Please don’t.

Op not you know your child, not strangers on the internet, just ignore them.

only you *

Sure, tell her and then also give her a check for £1800 for the 20 sessions of counselling she will need afterwards to process being the one unwanted child out of 4.

NO.JUST NO!

I have an elder brother and a younger one (now dec'd). My younger bro was 'a lovely surprise'. It never bothered him, in fact it seemed to be a pretty positive thing.

I was the "mistake" in our family as my dad didn't get the snip early enough I don't feel any sadness about my parents telling me & we joke about it all the time. Also joke about which of us is the favourite child & such. I think it came out when I was about 18 when we were on about me causing my parents grey hairs!
It's not something that I would plan telling a child though! It's not like she was adopted or has a different father which would be a 'need to know'!

I'm a contraceptive failure and it's never bothered me for a moment. Makes me giggle tbh. I also know thst there was debate about whether to carry on as my mother had health conditions which made pregnancy dangerous. I have no issue that it was discussed.

I might have been a mistake (given the medical advice it really was more mistake than surprise!) but I was very much wanted at the same time.

My youngest is 8. My eldest were in their teens when she was born. We've always talked about how she was a lovely surprise as I thought I couldn't have any more children. Her middle name is Phoenix as she rose up from nothing. Being unplanned doesn't have to be a bad thing at all.

Wife and I tell both our kids they were a mistake - because they were

It’s a bit of a running joke and we have quite a laugh about it

But every family dynamic is different I guess

You’re thinking about it from an adults pov. Children just accept the status quo for what it is, her and her three siblings.

I can’t imagine any kids pondering whether they were planned or not.
Kids get sex education and learn about contraception, but they generallly think of it in terms of avoiding teen pregnancy , they just don’t think of sex and their parents in the same thought ( and I’ve seen their faces when they do!)

If you want her to have more disposable income / higher standard of living teach her to budget and give her concrete examples of how much kids cost, but there’s no need to mention mistakes you've made.

theres 18 yrs between me and my sister- she was a not planned and was a massive surprise she has never for one second thought that she wasnt wanted- think its awful youre even thinking this

I’ll also tell my other children to never mention it and hope they resoect that.

That is also over-thinking. Remember that if you say "don't put beans in your ears" what children hear is "beans in your ears". Let the topic fade naturally. And if the topic comes up because of the unusual circumstances you can say the "very unexpected and not at all what we planned but such a lovely surprise and look how well it turned out with getting you" stuff.

I do agree you seem to have a lot of guilt and worry going on. You've had a very hard time and surely you need some support for it, you shouldn't have to just battle through as if nothing had happened. Look after yourself

Teasndtoast - your "surprise" child will probably be the child that may well take care of you in your old age.

Op I hear what you're trying to say but I really think you should discuss your feelings with a properly qualified therapist. At no point ever should the circumstances of their sister's existence, and your negative feelings about it, be a topic of conversation with your other children. It's beyond inappropriate and just asking for trouble. When they're old enough you discuss contraceptive responsibility and the impacts of parenthood with them all. You don't single anyone out or use one of them as a teaching tool.

My mother never referred to me as a "mistake", she went for "you ruined everything" instead. Those three words, and a lifetime of others in the same vein (she doesn't like me because I commit the heinous sin of looking like my father) are the reason I have very little self-esteem. They set me up for a repeated cycle of bullying as a child and an abusive relationship when I was a teen. I have no worth, I am worthless. I deserve bad things because I ruined everything. I spend way too much time wondering what I did wrong and why my mother really doesn't like me. Three little words with me forever.

Don't do it.

So basically take your sh*t out on your daughter. Because that's what it is.
I know someone that had this said to them, heartbreaking. It's self indulgent and attention seeking.

Leave it alone and love her.