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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

393 replies

TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 12:55

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

OP posts:
MissLipsey · 18/07/2018 15:11

@TeasndToast I think you have managed to clarify your distress:

I feel I have had her without being able to be there as much for her and I feel terrible about that

That is a guilty feeling that will fester in you. Please try and find a counsellor to talk this through.

It is so hard having to leave your baby before you feel ready. That is a question you could ask help with. On here or in counselling.

For some mothers it will be baby no. 1 that they have to put into nursery in order to earn a living. For others it will be subsequent children. Sometimes it is the later babies that get mother's time when the first didn't because of finances. You will find many with similar feelings of guilt and others who have been through that and been able to rationalise that there are many things beyond our control!

Good luck.

PerfectlyDone · 18/07/2018 15:12

Many an unplanned (and many an unwanted) pregnancy have turned in to much loved children.

Never, ever,, ever use the word 'mistake' - maybe it was your mistake (although I would not count contraception failure as a 'mistake', it's just 'shit happens'), but it does not make your DD a 'mistake'. Do not, under any circumstances, even when she provokes you beyond endurance when she's older, use that word.
A 'surprise', fine, but not a mistake.

Nothing wrong with talking about the challenges of having a larger-than-average family. I have 4, all planned and much longed for, and many many times do I now see the wisdom of the 2 child family HmmConfusedGrin. Who my favourite child is varies from minute to minute and is usually the one that annoys me least at any given point in time.

Don't make your issues with this pregnancy her issue. Because it's not. No baby has ever been asked to be born - ultimately every decision to have a child/to end a pregnancy is a selfish one and that is how it should be. Just don't put it on her.

ProperLavs · 18/07/2018 15:14

PLEASE new posters read the rest of the thread .

BeijingBarbie · 18/07/2018 15:15

I am well aware I was an accident and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

happymummy12345 · 18/07/2018 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VariousVeins · 18/07/2018 15:18

My 'D'M liked to tell me I was an accident and a mistake. My DF on the other hand told me I was a happy accident, which made me feel a bit better but I have never forgotten my 'D'M comments and my confidence has suffered over the years. I still remember how it made me feel and I'm 51!! Do not tell her!!

m0therofdragons · 18/07/2018 15:18

She wasn't a mistake she was a surprise!

I tell my dtds that but nobody plans for twins. I'd never say mistake though.

MissLipsey · 18/07/2018 15:18

@happymummy12345

reported. What a fucking nasty post. You didn't even bother to RTFT

Passmethecrisps · 18/07/2018 15:19

People could do with reading the whole thread.

Best of luck OP!

Thadeus · 18/07/2018 15:21

No, never tell her.

I grew up being told that I was a mistake and I have never felt good enough for anyone nor do I believe that I can be loved.

It is an awful way to feel about yourself just because your mother feels the need to tell you.

AlwaysWantedToBeATenenbaum · 18/07/2018 15:23

I was a total mistake - my mum and dad had been seeing each other for 3 months when she got pregnant with me. My great grandma insisted they get married - they've just had their 35th wedding anniversary. I've always known I was an accident but I don't feel bad about it!!! It's always been a jokey thing :)

Greenyogagirl · 18/07/2018 15:23

Do people really have these conversations with their kids Confused I’m not sure why anyone would even mention it but if they do just say she was a happy surprise, no need to be so hurtful about it

youarenotkiddingme · 18/07/2018 15:25

I know someone with 3 kids in their 20's and a 9yo. Same Dad.

They 4th was also a contraception failure. She's worked out for herself due to age gap she was a surprise baby but she knows she's loved and cherished as much as her older siblings.

In fact she has the best deal - 5 earning adults to spoil her Grin

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 18/07/2018 15:25

I have rtft. I didn’t realise that only early answers were deemed suitable.
Don’t ask a question if you think you won’t like the answers! You asked randoms off the internet. Your poor child.

plire · 18/07/2018 15:25

Same as others. I was a mistake. It's the family joke, and honestly I know my siblings and I are all loved equally!

It's funny.

LilQueenie · 18/07/2018 15:26

Even if you throw all the love at her in the world telling her she was a mistake will mess with her mind. Don't do it.

Condragulations · 18/07/2018 15:26

My DH and his brother both know they weren’t planned but were both very welcome surprises that only brought joy and love into their family.

My mum has told us all numerous times over the years how she didn’t plan my sister or brother and I’m only here as a play mate for my brother (and my other brother only here to play with my sister Confused ) she says she “came round to the idea (of us) eventually but it put a stop to her life as she knew it (as a professional dancer) and it took a lot of coming to terms with. “

It STILL makes us all miserable to hear, my sister is nearly 40 but it’s so hurtful!

Yes YWBU to tell her.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 18/07/2018 15:26

Personally think it depends how you word it.

There's 14 months between me and my brother and my mum told us when we were a early teens that DBro was a contraceptive failure, not that he wasn't wanted just he was here because of a contraceptive failure. He's never felt like a mistake and him and my mum are very close and he says he never felt me favoured over him, so it will depend upon circumstances I think.

Pressuredrip · 18/07/2018 15:28

It's bloody ridiculous and patronising to lie about it and pretend they were planned. My mum conceived me, the 4th child on the mini pill, doesn't upset me in the slightest, most people know wether they were planned or not. Not tellig them implies regret and shame imo. I have three children and two of them were contraception failures, the last planned one I causally call the chosen one. I have no concern the older ones will be upset by this.

LarryFreakinStylinson · 18/07/2018 15:31

My daughter worked it out for herself when she realised me and DH had only been together 11 months when she was born.

RedPony1 · 18/07/2018 15:32

I've always known i was an unplanned accident - we always joke i was the most expensive accident my parents could ever have had!!

I'm not bothered by knowing, not in the slightest. I feel very loved Grin

MissLipsey · 18/07/2018 15:32

Iamtryingtobenicehere (not trying very hard it would seem).

If you've read the entire thread but chosen to ignore everything apart from the OP that makes you unhelpful at best or do you have comprehension difficulties?

FASH84 · 18/07/2018 15:33

Saying she was a happy accident or a surprise is one thing, that's not what you're suggesting, and you seem to resent the changes to your career and finances, that's not her fault or burden to carry. I know I wasn't planned, my parents had a big white wedding booked and my mum fell pregnant after a bout of holiday sickness interfered with her pill, they then got married in a smaller ceremony before I was born to appease my dad's Catholic parents. I know however I was very much wanted and not something they've ever regretted, I was followed by a brother two years later. If you were that adamant you wanted no more your partner should've had the snip.

babysleeper · 18/07/2018 15:37

I have two close friends who were both 'mistakes'... their siblings are much older and it's kind of obvious.
One was told by her Mum it was a contraception error and had an open conversation about it. I think it's great, their very close and both are now grown up young women who never felt unloved or like a regret.
Best to be open I think, especially when it's obvious anyway!

VulvaOfSteel · 18/07/2018 15:37

You MUST lie and tell them that you think having 4 dc is fantastic. To even hint that it is not would make them feel really really shit. Can't you see that?

There is so much misinformation out there about children, because women must always smile and be fucking happy.

So, more women go and do more than they can handle, because it's all fucking sugar smiles, and then when they struggle, they get to put on the happy face themselves.