To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. It'll be her life, she'll do as she pleases as it should be.

What's wrong with planning a big family?
Maybe your daughter will want eight children.
I planned my last five children, but not my first.

I have 2 DC, neither of them were planned, doesn't make them a mistake, just makes them not planned. In fact they are the best thing that ever happened to DH and me. They both know they were not planned, it's a non-issue. It's a very different thing however to tell a child they were a 'mistake', that word is loaded with negative meaning.

My youngest DB was a mistake, he was always told he was a welcome accident though not a mistake.

None of us, including him, have ever given it any thought.

Being the youngest by 5 years he was always loved just as much probably more than the rest of us.

Mum never made it a secret either that she was devastated when she found out, her youngest (me) was nearly 5, had started school, she had got her life back, a part time job, a bit of money and was 36 and thought her days of nappies were over.

As long as it isn't described as a mistake and the child is much loved I can't see them actually knowing they weren't planned is an issue.

TBH, with three other siblings one of them will tell her at some point.

Do people plan babies? 😁

A surprise- yes. Unexpected- yes. A mistake- definitely not! Very hurtful and unneeded.

WTF would you even contemplate doing that? Of course you don't tell your child she was a mistake - at any age.

Never mistakes, happy accidents. Mine know they were happy accidents. They weren't mistakes because I wouldn't have continued the pregnancies if I didn't want them

My youngest DS knows that DW had a miscarriage before our eldest DS was born. He used to say he would have had 2 other siblings. We of course never told him we only ever planned to have two children!

Well I was an accident and so was my brother. About half of pregnancies are planned.

I haven't RTFT but my grandma was honest with my mum. She worded it, 'You were unplanned but not unwanted.' I think that's quite a nice way of putting it.

My mum, in turn, was honest with my sister (it was a little obvious due to the age gap, anyway).

No big deal in our family. I suspect it depends how you word it and whether the child feels generally loved/secure.

MumsNet really is the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it?

Seriously, why would you ever contemplate telling her that? “Well sweetheart, we wanted your brothers and sisters but you were a mistake. Soz. Enjoy your life pondering on that.”

No a very bad thing to do.

Please don't tell her this. I was a slip up as due to a medical condition, my mother was told not to get pregnant as any children would be born with health problems and wouldn't make it to their first birthday. I survived, but have numerous health issues. My parents had a boy five years before I was born who died at 4 months. I have always known of his existence for as long as I remember. I have no doubt that my parents were overjoyed to have a child survive, despite all my problems, but my Mum did admit that if the pill had been available when I was conceived she would have taken it and I would never have existed.

Not rtft but please don't tell her. My mum told me (again and again actually), as she was unhappy with my dad and didn't have an adult to share her problems with.
It's deeply horrible knowing you weren't wanted and your mum would have been happier not having kids with your (horrible) dad.
I know your situation is different but I don't see any value is sharing this with your DC.

A friend of mine who is Muslim and comes from a Muslim family had told me many times that he knows his 3 older brothers were planned, his older sister was planned but that he was "a gift from god"!! Whether religious or not I think this is a lovely way to put it. "Mistake" is horrible, but "happy accident" or "a surprise but much loved and wanted" is surely what you would want to convey without screwing the poor child up.

I was a surprise, but this only became clear once I was an adult and it was always apparent I was wanted and a welcome accident.

Ive always been very aware that I was an accident, does wonders for your self esteem, sure, why not let your kid know so that they too can have a complex over something they had No control over.

Wtf? As someone who was told this by their father who resented me for ruining his career too NO

My daughter knows she wasn't planned. But she wasn't a mistake or an accident! Don't use those negative terms and you should be be.

Unplanned is neutral, and can be easily turned into a positive. 'best decision I never made' etc.

Mistake is an awful way to describe another human being, and accident, even with the descriptor 'happy' is dubious.

Dh was definitely an accident, his dad had recently had the snip when they found out he was coming along!

He knows this but his parents have phrased it as he was destined to be born and was coming no matter what, it’s not damaged him in anyway but he’s been loved the same as his siblings.

My mother told me I “should have been a boy” and my younger sister was “a mistake”. It was a horrible thing to say, what good do you or my mother think would come of it?

My sister and I had a terrible relationship with our mother. Neither of us went to her funeral. That’s how it is with abusive parents.

Why would you want to do that?!
What's the point?!
Disgusting to be planning ahead to tell your daughter that.

I don't really understand why you think having 4 kids is going to be setting a bad example??? I appreciate you only wanted 3 but you could have as easily had twins when you had your 3rd child...what would you have done/said then.

I'm a big believer that everything happen for a reason - my parents didn't plan to have me but I know they don't regret it or think of me as a mistake.

If you're worried about you older DC's telling her she was a mistake you need to start changing their view on that now (haven't read all posts so not sure how old they are). If they decide to tell her anyway you will have to deal with that problem when it arises in the meantime enjoy your little girl and make sure that the others see how loved and wanted she is as well as them.

If you’re still reading, I’m one of 4 but happily child free so it doesn’t follow that she’ll also have 4

Don’t discuss it with your older children, don’t have secrets in families, you never know if one of them will blurt it out at some time