Help me say no to £12,000

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

Yes what fatbarry said - a loan isn't a gift. Assuming the loan is interest free (a dangerous assumption - she could turn round and demand 10% interest at repayment time) all you are "saving" is the interest on borrowing the same amount commercially.

Plus she's getting your brother to lie about his financial circumstances to his mortgage provider. Not a good idea and not an example to follow.

You haven't said "no" to £12,000 - you have said "no" to a heap of stress and the opportunity to be dishonest in your financial dealings for the sake of saving a few hundred quid.

Well done for saying no to the loan.

I agree with pp that your grandmothers money doesn’t all have to be spent on a wedding. Just book a registry office and put the rest towards a family home. You’d probably have a much nicer wedding day without your mother being there because she is likely to find a way to spoil it.

Don’t put off ttc if you are keen to have children out of some sense of loyalty to your employers. Remember that the family you work for wouldn’t hesitate to ask you to leave if they needed to move area or decided they couldn’t afford to pay you.

Do you live in a cheap area? Could you move further away from your mother so that you could afford a home more easily too?

You sound like you put everyone else’s needs before your own which is completely understandable because you have a toxic mother. Good luck!

Well done.
Although I am a terrible mischief maker and would have advised a reply casually mentioning that when the Green Cards (or the leave to remain visas for China) come through, having a deposit on a UK property will be irrelevant.
Cat? Pigeons? Moi?

You have absolutely done the right thing!

Well done op.

Well done OP - glad you said no.

But let me get this straight ... she wants a repayment plan NOW for money that she MIGHT lend you in 2 years when your DB has repaid the current loan/gift?

What happens if your DB doesn't repay her?
... lots of things change in 2 years

I've said so many times that it's a huge stress on my brother but my mum seems to think it's a golden opportunity....

This is coming from someone who had her first, low mortgage at age 23, and still has one 32 years later, except it's massive as she's moved around a lot and is appalling with money...

sounds fishy, anyway you have done the right thing

Well done op!!!!

Well done op. Paying back £12k over two years on top of your mortgage is a shit idea financially even if your mum was brilliant and given that she’s a nightmare it’s a fucking terrible idea.

As has been said, she's controlling. Also she has no business asking for your income details.

I'd reply and say you're very pleased with the offer but won't take her up on it as you're managing to finance your lifestyle and don't want to get into debt.

So how did she respond in the end?

I'd love to know how she responded as well?