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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me say no to £12,000

213 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 18:47

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

OP posts:
vitaminC · 17/07/2018 21:48

That panicky feeling you describe? That is a fight or flight reponse - common in PTSD!

I think that should tell you all you need to know about the power she already has over your emotions. Please do not give her any more power over you Sad

Donotbequotingmeinbold · 17/07/2018 21:48

I would say 'we aren't planning on borrowing money at the moment'. Wouldn't thank her for the offer as it is not really much of an offer. How will you afford another £500 a month on top of your mortgage if you borrow as much as you can? Asking for financial disclosure and a payment plan MAY be okay from a parent if you had approached them and asked for a loan but is just really rude when you haven't. I'd be tempted to send her a counter offer and ask for her financial details and plans for a repayment schedule to illustrate how ill mannered the unsolicited offer was. I'm not suggesting you do this as that would make you rude too. I would just say you aren't actually planning in borrowing any money and then change topic dismissively.

Imchlibob · 17/07/2018 21:53

I'd reply more along the lines of:
Thank you for the offer, but it would be really poor financial planning to take out a loan of this size at the same time as starting a mortgage. For sensible financial stability we need to make sure every penny of our deposit is from savings not loans.

We're happy to take responsibility for saving our deposit and really hope you do something nice for yourself instead.

LaPufalina · 17/07/2018 21:53

You've had some good advice, OP.
I'd add that I had money gifted for my flat deposit from my parents and grandmother and had to provide letters to the lending bank from them that the money wasn't a loan.

Smellyrose · 17/07/2018 21:57

Your mortgage company would need to know if you have received a loan to fund the deposit - this could affect how much you can afford to repay per month and therefore how much you can borrow.

To avoid this your mother would have to declare the money as a gift and then you would be under no legal obligation to repay her (it would be legally signed as a gift - requirement of both the mortgage company and your conveyancer).

Does your brother know this could affect his borrowing?

BrazzleDazzleDay · 17/07/2018 21:58

Fuck that, 12k is my rent for two years. Repaying that and a mortgage, just no.

I wouldn't borrow a tenner knowing there was some cuntish strings attached. I'd happily give my dm my earnings and expenditures, but that's cause she loves me and has no interest in behaving like a twat.

User183737 · 17/07/2018 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gluteustothemaximus · 17/07/2018 22:00

Pretend the offer never existed.

It's not worth it. You're not cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Your stopping all the shit that comes with those strings attached.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 22:01

That's what she's doing for my brother, Smellyrose. It's a gift but a loan behind the scenes, because they wouldn't pass the affordability check otherwise.

And magoria, I think you're bang on the money.

Ok, I've had to have a couple of strong g&t's but I've stopped being a totally pathetic muppet and sent a brief 'thanks but no thanks' response.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/07/2018 22:03

I'll never please her anyway, I've spent most of my life trying

Ah, but you're now getting on so much better by "keeping her at a distance", which is probably enraging her ... hence the attempt to reel you back in and pry into your private financial affairs at the same time

Given your history it's natural to worry about her reaction to a "no thanks", but just think - you've moved beyond that now, and anyway what can she really do about it?

And what makes you think her "golden child" will ever repay the loan so that she can then lend it to you?

Homebird8 · 17/07/2018 22:04

our mum has advised they remortgage to release the money back to her

And if that were also to be your repayment route providing her with your income and outgoings two years ahead would be even more unnecessary.

Harriet it obviously feels scary to you not to agree to take the money and almost safer to obey and provide the information. Your head is telling you how unreasonable that is. You can say no to both the money and the information. You’ve already made the same decision about the wedding. You are allowed to say no.

Whatsthisbear · 17/07/2018 22:05

Your brother will be re mortgaging and releasing the money to her!!! Just tell her thanks but no thanks!

I get that your gran gave you money to spend on a wedding, Could you just elope rather than spending money for other people to eat and drink to celebrate your wedding so you could save the rest? Have to say - 20 years married- makes me shudder at how much young couples feel the need to spend on a wedding these days.

I’m just thinking DONT take money off your mother EVER. If she doesn’t want to give you money as a gift to help you (not obliged to I know) then don’t take it as a loan and be beholden to her. I am thinking that, even once it is re paid, then it would alway be a case of “ but I helped you to...”

Sounds v manipulative and if you are having a panic about it then you are def right to just respond

“ thank you for your kind offer but no thanks”

MrsMozart · 17/07/2018 22:06

Well done lass.

You do it your way. Be beholden to no one.

category12 · 17/07/2018 22:06

Well done, OP. Don't let any response of hers rattle you. You're doing the right thing.

peoplearemean · 17/07/2018 22:11

Wind her up. Say thanks we already have the money for our deposit all sorted we just like to rent and not have responsibility of ownership, in fact we may blow the deposit on a round the world trip. Grin

Oldaintallthat · 17/07/2018 22:11

WTG OP. Flowers

frostybananabread · 17/07/2018 22:13

Well done! And if she does rattle you at all - you know where to come...

MrsAidanTurner · 17/07/2018 22:14

Well done that was brave... Be prepared for fall out... Ignore and rise above. Your still very young.. Life doesn't always pan out like we think it will... I certainly would not bank on your dB giving back that loan! Anything can happen in two years!!

TidyLike · 17/07/2018 22:17

She sounds like a narcissist. The 'grey rock' approach is best with such people: a simple 'no thank you', and if she rails against you, just completely ignore her. Sorry to hear she is continuing to cause you such upset.

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 17/07/2018 22:26

That's what she's doing for my brother, Smellyrose. It's a gift but a loan behind the scenes, because they wouldn't pass the affordability check otherwise.

So the money is officially a gift on paper then? I'd like to see your Mam trying to get the money back.

Jux · 17/07/2018 22:28

So your brother is actually taking the money? Even though he may have to remortgage to repay it? Is he completely bonkers?

Well done on sending the email, hope you feel some sense of relief. Decision made, done and dusted. If she starts to think that you are slipping out of her clutches though, she may step up her attempts to drag you under, so be orepared to say no again. I think you'll find it easier and easier, so a good habit to get into....

MiddleAgedMe · 17/07/2018 22:28

You could have been writing about me and my mother! What a complete bitch your mother is!. She either lends you the money or she doesn't, she has no right to have access to your financial situation. Not quite the same but one year for my birthday all I asked my mother for was that she have my daughter, her grandaughter, over night so I could have a break (daughter was 3 at the time) but in order to agree she wanted to know where I was going, who I was going with and when I would be back. I said either you do it or you don't, I'm not telling you anything about what I'm doing (went to the races, it was amazing :-) ) She had my daughter over night but that was my present, nothing else and no card.

Say no to the money, you have your own, and tell her to butt the fuck out of your personal affairs!!! Good luck with your wedding, I wish you a life time of happiness and the ability to draw a line between yourself and toxic relatives xxx

UpstartCrow · 17/07/2018 22:35

HarrietKettleWasHere Well done! Gin

RandomMess · 17/07/2018 22:37

Well done!

CoolCarrie · 17/07/2018 22:47

Well done 👍 You will get plenty of support regarding toxic parents on the relationships subject board We Took You to Stately Homes threads.

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