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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me say no to £12,000

213 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 18:47

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 17/07/2018 19:35

You agree to the loan and every single time you step out of line even minutely she'll threaten to withdraw the offer.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 17/07/2018 19:36

Zammo it op.

nightwispa · 17/07/2018 19:37

OP that £12K is 2 years of saving £500 every month. Do it yourself (it CAN be done- even when living in London and renting) and don't be beholden to anyone else. Tell her to do one (politely).

ApolloandDaphne · 17/07/2018 19:38

I agree that you don't need to give any reasons for turning this down. Just say that you do not wish to take up her offer. End of story.

Storminateapot · 17/07/2018 19:40

That's a relatively small sum of money to be demanding proof of earnings and a repayment plan for 2 years in advance. If she were loaning £100k maybe...

I'd just say

Thanks for the generous offer Mum, we really appreciate it. However, we have a long term plan in place which is on track to see us being able to achieve our goals without needing to dip into your savings, so please don't give it another thought.

How are you enjoying this gorgeous weather? Hope the garden is holding up.....blah blah blah

Disquieted1 · 17/07/2018 19:41

I just checked on Martin Lewis's site.
You can borrow 12K for £514 per month over two years. You'd have to pay your mother back £500 per month.

Is it really worth it for 14 quid? No thanks.

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2018 19:41

Thanks Mum - that’s kind of you. I don’t think we need to get into financials at the moment though, we’re focused on the wedding first. Hope DB/DSIS are getting on well with house-hunting.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 19:42

Ok thanks there's some amazing responses in there! Really helps to get a totally outside perspective.

No, we probably won't get a house before trying to conceive, but if I'm on maternity pay it may make it a lot harder to pay it back in the time frame. I asked my brother how he planned to do it and he said our mum has advised they remortgage to release the money back to her.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 17/07/2018 19:42

Thanks for the kind offer, but no thank you.

And don't say anything else. Or better yet, don't even reply. But that would force her to phone you and you'd probably rather avoid that.

Sounds like you really need to go nc.

wowfudge · 17/07/2018 19:44

Zammo it - you have to be of a particular vintage to get that!

XingMing · 17/07/2018 19:45

I would walk away, with one of the polite but definite negative responses offered above. "We have this one planned out, thanks for the offer/ suggestion. It's a kind thought that you would like to help out but we'll wait to see how our saving program develops. We're on track so far."

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 17/07/2018 19:45

@Souledout Thanks but no thanks.

This. That's all that needs to be said.

pog100 · 17/07/2018 19:46

this is truly horrible and very, very controlling. Do not accept, however useful the money, it just isn't worth it. As many above has said, no normal parents treat their children like this. Loans or gifts, either way you trust them!

pallisers · 17/07/2018 19:46

She wants to get into your underwear drawer and have a good look around. Wants to know your financial situation so over the next 2 years if you go on holiday or buy something she can comment. Wants to control you with this money.

It really isn't normal for a mother to want to see proof of financials etc 2 years before she even gives an unsolicited loan.

Your gut is absolutely right. Just don't accept. Things will work out with ttc and getting a house. Anything will be better than having her push you around.

Just say "thanks but no thanks mum. What about that love island eh?" and don't engage. don't justify - nothing - just "thanks but no thanks" and repeat. .

kirta · 17/07/2018 19:47

I agree with wows response.

You also sound like a lovely and strong person, with masses of integrity.

As a pp person mentioned, if you can pay back £12k in 2 years, then you can use the same plan to save. And every lovely brick will have no connection to a woman that clearly makes you so anxious.

Deep breaths.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 17/07/2018 19:47

Zammo it

You mean...steal her fancy crystal decanter, sell it, then tell her it broke and show her a load of broken glass? And get caught out when she wants to keep the stopper for sentimental reasons? That's mostly what I remember about Zammo. That and chase the dragon.

XingMing · 17/07/2018 19:47

I do hope my DS doesn't ever write a post like this about me.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 19:48

Also we do have savings now- were saving around £500 a month. The money she's 'offering' would mean that we could either buy somewhere bigger (probably right now we're on track for a two-bed flat) or sooner.

But thank you so much as I really do think this will just be pointless hoop jumping. And I'll never please her anyway, I've spent most of my life trying.

Oh she's giving us nothing towards the wedding- we are doing that ourselves- I don't want to 'owe' her any part of the day.

OP posts:
Semster · 17/07/2018 19:48

How to word it without starting WW3??

There is no way to word it without starting WW3.

Once you accept this, then you are well on the way to being a much happier person, and no longer letting your mother control your emotions.

My advice would be to not even bother replying to the email. Don't let it bother you. You don't want or need her money. You don't want or need her approval. You're a perfectly happy, successful person without her help or hindrance.

She is the one who needs your reply. It's her problem. Leave it to her to deal with.

mumandbump · 17/07/2018 19:48

Trust your instincts. You have a knot in your stomach for a reason. Do not touch it with a barge pole.

Semster · 17/07/2018 19:49

I do hope my DS doesn't ever write a post like this about me.

If you don't treat your DS like this:

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

... then I doubt he will write a post like this about you.

It's not that hard.

Atalune · 17/07/2018 19:51

Thanks, but no thanks.

Your mental health is worth far far more than £12k

SirHubzALot · 17/07/2018 19:53

I do hope my DS doesn't ever write a post like this about me.

Well don't treat him like shit then and he won't have reason too.

Whocansay · 17/07/2018 19:53

I agree with most of the PPs. This is all about control. Just reply, 'thank you for the offer, but it is not necessary'.

The money will never materialise. She'll find an excuse not to give you the loan at some point. She just wants you to jump through the hoops and tell her about your financial situation.

SirHubzALot · 17/07/2018 19:53

To!

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