Help me say no to £12,000

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

Look at it like this, you will live a long life. An extra year or two of saving is not long in the grand scheme of things. When you have saved, it’ll be your hard work.
If you borrow this money, it’ll come with conditions and expectations. What if she doesn’t like the house you want, what if she wants it back quicker, what if she sees it as an investment in your home and rocks up all the time. If she lends, it’s going to send her entitlement into overdrive.
Can’t say I’d be interested in inviting that shitstorn and relinquishing control of any part of my life to her, mum or not.

Definitely avoid this situation like the plague!

Your instincts are right and this is a total control mechanism, not a helping hand.

In terms of turning it down, like PP have said, simply state that you're happy saving yourself and that you don't need the money. Don't go into detail and ignore any further questions. At the end of the day, not her fucking business what you earn, how long it will take you, or anything else for that matter.

So sorry you're dealing with this OP!

Clearly the loan will come with many strings. And probably more added as and when she feels like it.

Just say no. Say you know families that have fallen out over money lending so you'd rather not risk it, if and when you need a loan you'll get one from the bank.

I wouldn't be saying anything about how kind or generous she is.

I would keep it businesslike.

Hi mum, I make it a policy never to borrow money unless it's through official channels with proper legal protection, so we won't be taking you up on your offer.

Kind regards etc

Tell her in a nicer way, to stick the money up her arse. If it's making you feel like this before she has even lent you the money imagine how you will feel when you actually owe her it.

Of course it would make a huge difference to you. If you had a normal mother making an offer like this you'd be extremely odd to refuse. But sadly, you don't have one of those. Normal mothers lend money (or give it, if they're lucky enough to have it spare) to their children because they love them and want to help them have a nicer life. What is happening here, though, is that she is trying to buy you with an unreliable promise of maybe getting some money. Which, of course, she would carry on holding over you and if you even got the loan (by no means guaranteed) there'd be all sorts of games trying to get it back off you at the most inconvenient time. Even after you'd paid her back there would be guilt trips and obligation for ever afterward because you "couldn't have done it without her and this is all the thanks she gets" etc etc.

It's only money, it's not worth it for your soul.

Nothing more to add as there is already good advice on how to say no. I wouldn’t touch that money if I were you. What if you couldn’t pay it back for some reason? You’d never hear the end of it...

My mum is giving us, a slightly smaller amount of money which will alllow us £10k to put down on a house. It would be a long time before we could possibly find such money. Anyway she has not asked for it back. The only ‘control’ she is exerting is to say that this money is for the purpose of buying a house.

I don’t know how I would feel if she was to tel me it was a loan and their was such bad feeling. I think, like others have said, I would simply ask her to keep it for 2/3 years as you don’t need it until the house is being bought. This gives you time to deal with the wedding in your own way and potentially move to a space where you can’t be manipulated by her. If you do take it, then, you can have it drafted properly so she cannot refuse/pull out or make the terms of repayment so hard it can’t be done

I agree wowfudge’s response is really good. No info about you, and you are rejecting it in favour of her spending her own money! Noth8ng she can (outwardly) rage at there. Especially if she wants it in writing!

"Hi mum - thanks for the offer, but that sort of arrangement won't work for us. Take care, Harriet xx"

Actually I think you might be wise to take up the offer BUT you need to use professional help to draw up the contract re any repayment plan etc. It's much better to buy in 2/3 than 4/5 and will make a huge difference later on in your life. (Google interest on interest or compound interest and you'll see why.) Why not just write back that you need to "look into" what options are available regarding any repayment plan, and that you will get back to it later?

Quite! With someone like you have to be sure you state nothing they can actually object to. Doesn't matter if you want to tell the controlling witch to FO, you keep the moral high ground and give her nothing she can complain about.

If she was going to give you it I’d say snatch her hand off. But a loan? Not worth it for the potential hassle.

Gosh, I would even bother being polite! Proof of earnings? Bite me.

"Eh, no thanks. Probably simpler just to stick with the bank! See you soon, xxx, OP"

I think wowfudge has suggested a really excellent response - polite and respectful but very clear and definite on your part. I would go with something like that.

Good advice above. Definitely reject it and say as little as possible in the response. Then if you want to buy somewhere soon than you otherwise think you can think about things like weekend jobs for one or other of you just to increase savings in the next few years.

I would go along the lines of Thanks mum. What a generous offer. Right now we really aren’t in a position to need the money. Maybe in 2/3 years time. Can we talk about it again then?. My mother has been nasty to me because I didn’t want a couple of pairs of her socks. I learnt it’s always best to say yes even when you are saying no. There may well be times when you’ll need to fight your corner. This isn’t one of them.

"Thank you for the kind offer but we do not need any help at the moment."

So your mum has been horrible and controlling, and wants evidence of your earnings to prove you can pay back the loan. A lack of trust in you, or does she want to know how much you have coming in? I’d just say no thanks.

Just respond thanking her for the offer but you're saving up a deposit already and would rather not take on a debt

As a side note, is there any reason you have to buy a house before ttc?

I would just go with a simple email with little explaination/justification as you don't need to and makes it complicated. She has offered you have thought it through and have decided it isn't something you can do. Just say you can't provide a payment plan or prove your salaries and that it is a kind offer but not one that you wish to accept. Don't over think or over explain. That would be what I would do in your shoes.
Hope all goes well OP.

Exactly @Tawdry.

The minute I saw that, I said to myself WTF, access to your personal finances? No way José.

It's not £120k it is £12k. Talk about control and finding out all about your personal finances. Not a chance sorry.

I'd do it myself and enjoy a mother free life TBH.

Speaking from experience, do not do this! An extra 12k on a mortgage is nothing really but so worth it.

She’s going to be displeased however nicely you word it. Choose your reason (want to make your own way, already saving a substantial amount, other priorities right now) and then when it’s casted back just repeat them. She still won’t be happy but you’ll know you’ve made the right decision for the right reasons. I have a mantra “I did [it] the right way, I’m happy with my decision”. I repeat that in my head and it stops my getting sucked into the crazy.
Sympathies because it’s hard to explain to a lot of people why someone offering you a wedge of cash isn’t always a good deal.

OP, given the circumstances, I would spend as little as possible on your wedding. I probably wouldn't even tell my mum I was getting married if she's so toxic. I'd go to a registry office with a couple of friends then invite some people round for a little party afterwards, with the condition that nobody puts it on social media. I'd prioritise saving for a baby and a home over a wedding any day.