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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me say no to £12,000

213 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 18:47

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

OP posts:

Twillow · 17/07/2018 19:53

What wowfudge said is perfect.

Original poster

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 19:54

She's very money orientated- it's mostly all she talks about, how things are worth and how much people earn, so I'm not surprised she wants to know exactly what we take home and save each month.

OP posts:

Original poster

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 19:54

Thank you wowfudge!

OP posts:

choli · 17/07/2018 19:55

How much are you spending on the wedding OP? Is it less or more than 12,000?

I would bite the bullet, marry in a registry office, and put the wedding money into your deposit savings. A home is much more important than a party, especially if you are planning to TTC. This way you can still buy a home earlier and be under no obligation to your mother, who sounds like a very unpleasant person to deal with.

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/07/2018 19:55

since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms.

I think this tells you what you need to know. Your body and subconscious are saying no. I don't think it would be worth the price you'll pay emotionally.

XingMing · 17/07/2018 19:56

I don't intend to, and I don't think I ever have. I was just saying ... that it is desperately sad when parent-child relationships become so toxic.

katseyes7 · 17/07/2018 19:58

My mother was like this. She'd offer us money, but put conditions on it. lt caused no end of arguments with me and my now ex husband. "l'll pay for you to have a holiday, all l ask is that you take me out on your days off." l don't know what she thought we did with our days off. l spent mine shopping, doing housework and washing and ironing. We declined diplomatically.
Even after l got divorced she'd offer me money but try to tell me what l had to spend it on. After she died l found out she'd left enough money to pay my mortgage off, plus half as much again. Yet l'd been working shifts for years, paying interest on the mortgage.

l'd take the advice of the posters on here. Don't give her means to 'blackmail' you. Especially if you can save the same amount up in the same time.

AngryAttackKittens · 17/07/2018 20:01

Agreed with what others have said - if you're able to pay that amount back within 2 years then you'd be better off saving it instead, since your own savings come with less strings that will be used to yank you about.

Sounds like you'd be better off minimizing contact with your mum in general after telling her thanks but no thanks on the loan.

Thesearepearls · 17/07/2018 20:01

As a Mum to now adult children, one of the most important objectives I have is to be unobtrusively supportive. I want my children to feel loved and supported in whatever they do and whoever they like/love.

So just trying to see it from your Mum’s perspective - could she simply, genuinely be trying to help in the only way she knows how?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/07/2018 20:03

Politely decline and then refuse to discuss.

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 17/07/2018 20:03

Zammo it - what does that mean? Shove it up your arse?

Original poster

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 20:04

I quite like 'Zammo' it although an clueless as to what it means

OP posts:

AstrantiaMajor · 17/07/2018 20:04

She has no intention of lending you that money. She just wants to see how much you earn.
Hi Mum
Re you loan offer, we are unable to make any commitment to further borrowing or repayment at the present time.

DesignStatement · 17/07/2018 20:04

We do not want to borrow any money, thank you. End

DowntonCrabby · 17/07/2018 20:05

Goodness I would not let this woman have any control over or knowledge of my finances at all!

You are absolutely right to stand on your own two feet (well four with your DP) and make your own way in life within your own timescale and on a plan which you seem to have full control of.

mumsastudent · 17/07/2018 20:06

have you considered other ways of buying house like shared ownership? look up government website to see if there is some help ie help to buy etc?

Original poster

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 20:07

I honestly think I might be having some sort of fight or flight response! I've gone pathetically shaky and panicky at the thought of saying 'no' to her and what her reaction will be.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 17/07/2018 20:08

'No thank you, we don't need a loan. If we could repay a loan in 2 years, we can save the same amount of money in the 2 years we will need to wait.''

SHUTUPYAFACE · 17/07/2018 20:09

Sounds to me like she is using it as a form of control.

If you accept it she will use it as control and may throw it in your face in arguments.

She may also use it to validate how great she is as a mother. This is something my own mother has done

Wildlingofthewest · 17/07/2018 20:09

Don’t take the money from your mother.
You’ve said that you don’t need it (it would only help to speed up the process of buying)
The money comes with a whole host of emotional baggage that you really don’t need.
I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole.
You don’t need to explain yourself either. Your financial situation is none of her business. Just say “thanks but no thanks” - job done.

Arum51 · 17/07/2018 20:10

Theseareperals In short, no. She's not. Would you seriously just email your kid and offer them money, then demand details income/outgoings, so they could pay it back?

OP, run. It's a trap. If I give my kids money, I give it to them. If I have to loan them money, I would discuss it with them, in person. I wouldn't just send them an email making demands. And it's weird anyway - the situation you are in no will probably bear no relation to the situation you will be in two years time. It makes no sense.

And as someone else said, if you want a baby, have one. There really is no "right time". That's the kind of bollocks that gets you to waste your peak fertility years in pursuit of some kind of perfection that doesn't exist. Babies are always bloody inconvenient

DasPepe · 17/07/2018 20:11

She wants the agreement now, even though the money isn’t available for 2 years?
And then you will have 2-3 years to pay it off?

So basically you would have 5 years of feeling EVERYDAY as you do now. And even if you pay the money off I guess she will feel and remind you of her role as benefactors for the rest of your life. She might feel entitled to make comments and decisions on the property you buy with HER money.

Don’t get lured. It might feel easier because you will buy a property quicker but I’m sure you will pay for it more.

Trust in your ability to do it yourself as you have done so far

Whocansay · 17/07/2018 20:11

You are saying no, to an unsolicited offer from her, so why would this prompt an angry response?

Just tell her. You will feel better.

Auntpetunia2015 · 17/07/2018 20:12

To zammo it

PolkaHots · 17/07/2018 20:12

Don’t over think it, just send wows response,

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