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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me say no to £12,000

213 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 18:47

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 17/07/2018 22:56

I'd send a repayment plan. But decline the proof of earnings. If she doesn't like it. That's it.

But I see you said no thanks which sounds very wise with such a toxic character.

Inertia · 17/07/2018 22:58

You wouldn't actually be saying no to £12000. You'd be saying no the loan of £12000, with conditions far more invasive than a bank would impose- it wouldn't be yours to keep.

DeckSofa · 17/07/2018 23:01

Say thanks but no, because you are committed to funding your own way now. Suggest that she gives it to a homeless charity so someone else can have a roof over their head. Or if she wants to invest it, ask the bank not you.

Cornishclio · 17/07/2018 23:17

Your mortgage lender will not accept the deposit being borrowed. When you apply for a mortgage they will ask for evidence of the deposit and any gifted monies need to be confirmed they are a gift and not a loan.

It sounds like for family harmony you are better off refusing it. The last thing you need is the added pressure of a £500 per month repayment on top of a mortgage and bills etc etc. I would certainly decline it and say you intend saving up yourself.

ballseditupagain · 17/07/2018 23:20

In any event if you declared it to the mortgage co ( and you prob should given like it sounds like she is going to make you enter into a formal contract) it will affect what you can borrow. Mortgage cos don't like this kind of family loan.

kateandme · 17/07/2018 23:29

oh im so sorry your mum has acted like this towards you.noone deserves that.
remember who choosing your "chosen sibblin" and then being cruel and acting the opposite to you is on her not you.that something bad in her.to do that to a child.to pick one over the other or not love and support you child through the toughest of time with their illness is appalling and its all on her.
this has nothing to do with who yo uare.and infact shows how bloody amazing you are and what shes missing out on knowing and being proud of by having such a cruel heart.
don't ever take it on board will you.dont ever think what it means about who you are.its rubbish.
you've become someone so strong.youve battled a terrifying illness with the love and support of your mum.wow hun that makes you marvelous.to get trough such a thing just wow.
and its indeed im sure very triggering at times with your self worth.
but don't listen to somenone that oculd treat others in this way.
so id if you can avoid this money.or only accept if you and ur hubbie can be a team and make your own terms on how youll handle it to make peace within your own minds and know nyou can handle what she will throw it you with it.
but if the treatment and almost blackmail that comes with it is too much.dont feel bad for saying no and just make up any old shit to do so.

Fleurelle · 17/07/2018 23:35

'No thank you, we don't need a loan. If we could repay a loan in 2 years, we can save the same amount of money in the 2 years we will need to wait.''

Exactly. It doesn't make sense. I'm confused more than anything.

Hissy · 17/07/2018 23:38

I read on here once:

“Gifts should come with ribbons, not strings”

Jghijjjoo · 17/07/2018 23:39

How did she respond?

Hissy · 17/07/2018 23:40

Go back to your mum “thanks for the offer, dp and I have however decided not to accept it, our independence is important to us”

UneMoonit · 17/07/2018 23:46

Great. Now do the payment plan anyway and call it your savings plan.

LoveManyTrustfew · 17/07/2018 23:55

I would say no.

However bitch that I can be, I would say if only you had suggested this sooner we could have been in a position to at least consider it, but in the interim DP's parents/aged aunt/ aged uncle have gifted us the money.

:viper: Grin

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 23:59

Aw kateandme, thanks for your kind words Smile

Great saying Hissy!

She hasn't responded yet. But (and it may be the g&t's...) I don't feel all churny and panicky right now!

OP posts:
nakedscientist · 18/07/2018 00:27

Good on you OP.

When she replies, moaning, say "oh dbon't worry about us, we're going great guns! You focus on yourself, at your time of life you deserve it!

Or
"Sorry you are disappointed., but our financial adviser has said it would be a poor financial decision.

Tee Hee Grin

BeenThereDone · 18/07/2018 00:59

Dear mum.... Very generous of you but we don't need it. Thanks for the offer though. Appreciate you thinking of us, perhaps put the money aside for your care home when you need it...

AStatelyPleasureDome · 18/07/2018 05:57

How odd, a hypothetical offer which may never materialise, and she wants all of your financial information. I am sure that you have made the right decision - it's a no brainer really. Loans between friends or family are fraught with difficulty. I also thought wowfudge's response was brilliant, so I hope you sent something along those lines.

Also, I am sure your DGM would be happy to spend some of the inheritance on a low key wedding, and the rest on a family home. Not only will you achieve your life goals sooner, but you avoid the stress of a family wedding, which sounds as though it has the potential to cause pain rather than joy.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 18/07/2018 05:59

@BeenThere - what a nasty, provocative, spiteful response. OP wants to avoid trouble, which is why she is seeking advice.

Somewhereovertheroad · 18/07/2018 06:39

She isn't offering you £12000 she is offering you a loan. All you will save is the interest on £12000 over two years which isn't a massive amount.

Also you would put yourself under massive strain to pay it back.

Borrowing the deposit for a house is generally a bad idea. Irrespective of where you borrow it from.

FatBarry · 18/07/2018 06:49

^ you are probably saving about £400 in interest for years if churny stomach feeling.

CantankerousCamel · 18/07/2018 07:07

Harriet

If she sends a GF response you could say ‘at least now you’re free to give DB a couple of extra years to pay it back which will take the pressure off.

CoffeeOrSleep · 18/07/2018 07:10

Good choice! Although I agree 're not putting off having your own family to benefit the children you Nanny for. You need to question if your mum has trained you to put other peoples needs first, it is ok to prioritise yourself.

headinhands · 18/07/2018 07:17

It does seem v controlling that she wants a plan about how you'd pay it back 2 years in advance.

It doesn't sit right and rings alarm bells for me about it.

A relative once gave me some money as a gift. Not as much but no small amount. I was very grateful. Thing is they went on about for ages afterwards. Asking me to recount how I felt when I got the cheque. After several months I asked if they had changed their mind and needed it back.

They haven't mentioned it since. It just made me feel really uncomfortable as if they saw it as some sort of hold on me. When in reality I'm very much in their life anyway and showing no signs of not being so.

Money makes people weird.

Branleuse · 18/07/2018 07:48

the money would be brilliant but its just not worth it for her to have that hold over you. You know full well she would use it against you. Youd be beter renting for longer

MachineBee · 18/07/2018 08:11

Hope you had a peaceful night OP.

CrabbityRabbit · 18/07/2018 08:18

Well done OP.

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