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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me say no to £12,000

213 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 18:47

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

OP posts:
Felyne · 17/07/2018 19:16

It would still be a loan, so after the stresses of moving into a house and having a mortgage to worry about along with the unexpected expenses that come with moving (things break, need replacing etc) you would still have to worry about repaying her.
Maybe keep her in mind for a loan to cover unexpected things rather than paying some of the deposit?

redastherose · 17/07/2018 19:17

If you don't want any huge backlash I would simply reply 'thank you for the very kind offer but we want to stand on our own two feet and know that any property we buy is bought through our own effort and hard work so we won't need to borrow your money'. If she pushes it just repeat that you are happy with your decision and that she should respect that you want to be independent. If she throws a tantrum it is a perfect reason to reduce contact further.

mavismcruet · 17/07/2018 19:17

I’d not want the money. My friend was in a similar situation with her dad a few years ago. He wanted to know all her financial details and pretty much took control of what she spent, what she did etc. Clothes shopping, makeup, nights out and things like holidays were all under scrutiny. She wasn’t allowed to do anything remotely frivolous like shopping at Sainsbury’s instead of Aldi!
Do it all yourself, in your own time, your own way.

MortyVicar · 17/07/2018 19:18

Dear [mum]

Mr Harriet and I are already saving for our future. We don't want to be beholden to anyone, we are determined to stand on our own feet, so we won't be accepting your money.

Thank you for the offer*

Harriet

(*if you feel like adding that bit. Or not.)

LokiBear · 17/07/2018 19:19

I'd thank her for her 'kind' offer, but advise her that you and your dp have discussed it and you have decided to continue saving as you have been as you do not want to start married life with any debt. Then waffle on about something neutral and friendly for the remainder of the email. If she persists, simply state that you are just not in need of a loan, not from the bank, nor from her. Thank her again, but treat her offer as though it is completely unnecessary.

MortyVicar · 17/07/2018 19:19

redastherose

x post. Great minds!

LoveInTokyo · 17/07/2018 19:21

Honestly OP, I would say as little as possible. Just thank her for the offer and decline. Don't give any reasons, because anything you say will be used against you.

Some lenders want to know where your deposit has come from and may not accept it if they know it is a loan rather than a gift. If you feel the need to give a reason, say that.

category12 · 17/07/2018 19:22

Crikey, she's not even offering the money right now, it's a "maybe in two years if you please me" type of offer. Hmm On no account take the money.

Gird your loins and say "Dear Mum, thanks but we've got it in hand. Really appreciate the thought, it was very kind."

youknowwherethecityis · 17/07/2018 19:22

I'm always cynical but I can imagine in 2 years there will be some excuse as to why you're no longer getting the loan, and you'll have spent the previous 2 years stressing about pleasing her

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/07/2018 19:23

God no! Don't tell her anything about your earnings or savings, you know she's going to use that against you somehow. She is not doing it to help you, she is doing it to suit herself. "Thanks for your offer Mum, but we are doing fine by ourselves so don't need it." She probably won't let it lie at that, but you can just keep saying "this is what we have decided".

Pippylou · 17/07/2018 19:23

Plus if you put a foot wrong, she'd be in a position to demand it back.

No chance. It's so distant, it's pointless too, a lot can happen in 2 years.

category12 · 17/07/2018 19:24

I'm always cynical but I can imagine in 2 years there will be some excuse as to why you're no longer getting the loan, and you'll have spent the previous 2 years stressing about pleasing her

That ^

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/07/2018 19:26

Shitting hell. I lent DD2 some money to pay her credit card off, and I cannot imagine asking for her earnings in order to draw up a 'repayment plan'! She will repay as and when her circumstances dictate she is able to, and I am fine with that.

The cheek of her dictating the terms of repayment! Yes, if you'd asked for the loan and it was money she could only afford to spare for a short period but...

I am honestly aghast.

User467 · 17/07/2018 19:26

OP your mum sounds like a narcissist and you sound like her scape goat. This isn't a kind offer, it's part of her games and she's only offering it to you becasue she's offered it to your sister. It helps her keep up her outward mother of the year image. I would stay well clear.

There's been a few good suggestions for how to say no nicely but if she's anything like my MIL, no way of wording it will be ok. She will take offence because it's you so save yourself the stress of playing her game and just say no thanks

Fuckedoffat48b · 17/07/2018 19:26

asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money.

This is the bit that really troubles me. She is demanding a degree of disclosure that is simply inappropriate.

BestZebbie · 17/07/2018 19:27

If you wanted to be mischievous you could always 'declare' your worth to her as £12k less than it really is, take the money and stick it in a locked in high interest account for 2 years, then repay her in full and keep the interest.

wagil · 17/07/2018 19:28

Is this money a loan rather than a gift because she's spent so much on your wedding OP? Wink

CoolCarrie · 17/07/2018 19:30

I agree with youknowwhere, she will find a reason in two years not to lend you the money after all
. She is playing with your life Harriet, tell her thank you, but no, don’t explain anything, you and your fiancé owe her nothing; in monetary terms,; in emotional terms, in terms of your mental health, nothing! You have got this far in your life without her, you can get along in the future with her! Good luck with your wedding, don’t let her spoil you and your partner lives together.

jamoncrumpets · 17/07/2018 19:31

DO NOT TAKE THIS MONEY. It's a way to control you. Don't tell her anything except a polite 'no thank you' - no need to tell her why you don't want it, or concoct a lie to cover yourselves. Just say no.

Tistheseason17 · 17/07/2018 19:32

I think she just wants to know your financial situation.

No "normal" mother would do this for a £12K loan.

You have my sympathies, I have a mother like this - it's been amazing for last 13 yrs as NC :)

Don't leave yourselves beholden to this gargoyle

Butcowsdontgetmarried · 17/07/2018 19:33

There’s no money coming to you. This is the first of many hoops, she’s playing with you

InANewYorkMinute · 17/07/2018 19:34

Just politely say thank you for your offer, but you'd like to decline.

My narcissist parents offered to give me a house (with multiple strings attached) when I was busy sprogging their only grandchildren.

We said no, and I'm so glad I did as we are n/c now.

She is hoovering you, trying to reel you back in by making you dependent on her because you have broken free of her control.

Run and never look back.

As someone who could be mortgage free by now I cannot TELL you how glad I am that we didn't fall for this trick.

Helenluvsrob · 17/07/2018 19:35

Save 500/ month , so £60 week each? That's either doeable and you'll have your £12k in 2yrs or it's too much to pay back over the same timescale. Easy.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 17/07/2018 19:35

Remember the mumsnet classic, no is a full sentence she doesn’t need an explanation.

InANewYorkMinute · 17/07/2018 19:35

(Oh, and they bought their g/c son a house outright, no strings attached.)

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