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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me say no to £12,000

213 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 18:47

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

OP posts:
Wildlingofthewest · 17/07/2018 20:15

Yes - send the response that @wowfudge has posted
It’s polite, to the point and you really don’t need to say anything else.

For what it’s worth - this offer of money in this context is very weird and clearly comes loaded with ulterior motives.

AstrantiaMajor · 17/07/2018 20:16

50 years ago My brother got expelled from school. Mother phoned our Godmother to complain about him. Godmother spoke to her son who offered him an apprenticeship in his diamond business. Mother spent 40years telling everyone, he would not have been millionaire but for her.

Your mother will never let you forget about this money and she will tell everyone she knows. In her story it won’t have been a loan, it was a gift she gave you and the amount will increase with every telling.

Just to add, my brother is very wealthy,but not a millionaire.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 20:16

To the PP question, our wedding is costing less than that BUT when my gran died she left me money specifically to pay for a wedding since she knew she'd never be there to see it Sad so we are using that.

We are waiting a bit for a baby until the living situation is a bit more secure (I'm a live in nanny ATM and sadly only live with DP in holidays and on weekends, also until I've been here two years because it wouldn't be fair to these kids to leave to have a baby right now and it'd be better to wait until I qualify for the full maternity package.

OP posts:
FeeLock28 · 17/07/2018 20:21

Wowfudge's answer is right on the nail, here.

All though the responses I was thinking, "He who pays the piper calls the tune".

Makemineboozefree · 17/07/2018 20:26

Wowfudge's response is perfect - cut and paste it and send it now!

Seriously, though, I think your mum just wants to find out what you and your DH earn. It must be winding her up that you're paying for your wedding yourselves.

MrsAidanTurner · 17/07/2018 20:33

Op

wowfudge response was perfect bounces back to her for her well being. Its the right response, its non confrontational, it kills her with concern and kindness - there is no response to that it doesn't back you into a corner....

Your not saying NO your saying,

"My goodness this is such a kind and generous offer. I'm concerned that you need it more though, why not sit on this until its free in two years. A lot can happen in that time. And we don't need to stress about it in the mean time"

DH mum is like this! She has been given money for DH and she wont give him any unless she chooses stuff...beds, sofas, rugs, cushions...anything we may need - we cant get the money to choose she has to choose.

I said I would rather sit on orange crates Grin

The third way is of course to take the money when it comes but on your terms and ignore any crap! But that takes total detachment and ball.s

LoveInTokyo · 17/07/2018 20:33

OP, your commitment to your employer's kids is commendable but please don't let that be the reason you put off having a family.

MrsAidanTurner · 17/07/2018 20:36

op its up to you how you spend money, you can put some towards a wedding but a bigger concern is your financial freedom from your dm. Did granny know her daughter was a narc?

Nomorechickens · 17/07/2018 20:36

Leaving aside the issue of your relationship with your mum, this offer doesn't make sense in financial terms. You don't borrow money for your deposit on a 2 year loan. To be able to afford the £500 a month repayments, you would need to substantially reduce the amount you borrow on your mortgage - by more than £12k, which would make you worse off. And relying on remortgaging after 2 years to repay the loan is risky, as it's not guaranteed that property prices will continue to rise or that your financial circumstances will stay the same, allowing you to get a new mortgage.

NameChangingParanoid · 17/07/2018 20:42

I have total sympathy as I have a narc Dad who uses money to exert control over me. Unfortunately I’ve never felt to be in a position that I can say “no thank you” but I hope to be soon.

Your sanity & self worth is much more valuable than playing into the hands of someone like this.

Best of luck OP.

RedSkyLastNight · 17/07/2018 20:53

She may have a short term rant about your ungratefulness (yes, my mother is like this too) but it's better than years of her reminding you constantly about how you were only able to buy your house thanks to her selfless generosity.

Write a version of the "thanks but no thanks" emails posted here and send it. You'll feel much better. And then don't keep checking your email for a response ...

wowfudge · 17/07/2018 20:56

I'm blushing - if only I could think of the right thing to say more of the time. OP Zammo was a character in Grange Hill who went bad and developed a heroin habit. This led to the cast recording "Just say no" as a message to kids. It was ground breaking, and more surprisingly a hit, at the time. Bit cringey now though.

starryeyed19 · 17/07/2018 21:01

Don't take the money. Your gut is telling you what to do. Listen to it. She will use it against you for ever more, even after you've paid it off

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 17/07/2018 21:03

Turn the tables back on her, ask her how she plans to raise this "loan" for you.

Blackness78 · 17/07/2018 21:03

Money can't buy love. This is just another way of her controlling you.

If you need it, take it..but it comes at a price.

Foodylicious · 17/07/2018 21:09

Gosh. Send that response now.
She is already trying to manipulate and control you by even offering this.

Stay strong!
You will feel uncomfortable for a while but it will pass.
All the self doubt and other thoughts that are creeping In, are just that. Thoughts.
Don't give them or her any power.

Send your response declining her 'offer' and move on

TiltedTowers · 17/07/2018 21:10

I took money from my parents towards a house and whilst overall I would have to say it is worth it, they are only comfortable now with me feeling gratitude. If I challenge them or disagree with them they see it as disobedience. But I can live with that. It was my choice to suck that up, I knew it would be like this. It's better than living without the security of our own home (kids were small when I moved here and already in their fifth house). I cannot believe though that your mother wants you to disclose financial documents to her?!

ForgivenessIsDivine · 17/07/2018 21:16

We have crazy family dynamics and have had to decline offers on a few occasions. My sister and I talk and are in the same page which really helps.

I say, thanks that is really generous but we are doing fine and have things under control.

LifeImplosionImminent · 17/07/2018 21:17

If your mum is behaving like that I'd wonder about any clauses in tiny lettering she might make you sign. Possession of the grandkids upon one defaulted payment....enforced Christmas time....her own room and private balcony on villa holidays, with you waiting on her hand and foot....tongue in cheek but you get my meaning...

magoria · 17/07/2018 21:20

That is a nice way for her to get to know exactly what you earn isn't it!

You will have to be simperingly grateful and not put a step wrong in the next 2/3 years or she will change her mind. Even if you don't put a step wrong she may change her mind just because she is a cow towards you.

So for the next 2/3 years you will have this hanging over you and then you will have another 2 years of having to be grateful and paying it back.

If you take the money you will have to pay £500 a month back ON TOP of your mortgage. That is a massive amount, it really is.

So you won't then been in a position financially to look at trying to conceive for at least 5 years.

I think a simple 'thank you, however that doesn't fit with our life plans and hopefully we have no need' will do.

Piffle11 · 17/07/2018 21:28

I wouldn't even bother composing a letter or giving an explanation … I'd just say 'we don't want it, thanks anyway.' And leave it like that. And when she tries to reel you back in - which it sounds like she would - just keep repeating that you're doing fine without her. Over and over again.

Wdigin2this · 17/07/2018 21:31

I wouldn't even bother responding, it's 2 years I the future, and she wants financial details from you......ignore it!

Slightlygiganticpants · 17/07/2018 21:35

I think the timing here is quite important. Is she trying to get you to agree or making the offer now to cover the fact that she is paying nothing towards your wedding?

Can just picture her making a big fuss over it on your wedding day.

BMW6 · 17/07/2018 21:37

Fuck that OP.

"Thanks, but No Thanks" is all I would say.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 17/07/2018 21:40

You must be young op!!
Zammo says just say no!

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