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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!

202 replies

RaspberryJam4 · 17/07/2018 17:03

I feel very hemmed in, isolated and not in a good place.

I have lived with my partner for 7 years in his house (my name is not on the mortgage, more fool me). I’ve had a difficult relationship, where he has flipped a lot from wanting to end the relationship to wanting to stay. We have a 4 year old son together.

I moved over 200 miles to move in with him. His family are driving me crazy! He has two daughters, mother, sister and Ex all living 5 mins away and except for youngest DSD they all dislike me, bitch about me to DP but every weekend my DP takes our son each day to theirs and they fawn over him. He has a grandson of a similar age and they play together a lot too. I’m so sick of it, I feel totally written off and invisible. I don’t have friends near so I’m left alone. When I do go and see friends for the weekend and leave my son with DP, they’ve practically moved in whilst I’m away.

This did not happen overnight. I thought they were all nice but very critical of me, I just thought it was a cultural difference, it’s very rural, close knit, insular here and I come from city life and worked etc. Recently my DP ended the relationship out of the blue, again, and lived with his sister for 4 months. That upped the animosity towards me massively. SIL, even a year later, is vociferous about me as well as eldest DSD, MIL, and Ex. She is most angry that DP moved out of ‘his house’ and although I gave up full time well paid work to look after DS, did not ask DP to move out, and did not initiate the break up they have all refused to have anything to do with me for over a year now.

I can’t stand living here anymore. I feel like they are very keen to have a lot to do with my son and this makes me feel very anxious, it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out. I’ve explained to DP who has lived back with me and wants to now be with me, and he’s had a word with his mum but says they are ‘just sticking up for him, and just love our son’ and what’s my problem really. They actually glare at me in the street.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me. I’m not so invested in my relationship as it’s so rocky on his part. I’ve nothing financially but I’m quite resourceful. AIBU?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 17/07/2018 17:05

God move back to where you have family and friends ASAP.
Preferably before your child starts school.

boomboo · 17/07/2018 17:12

I second moving back closer to your family and links. I don't think I cope with such insecurity in my relationship, constantly fearing if your partner is going to end it/ move out. Take some control back and get out! I don't see how it can better really. Sorry.

0lgaDaPolga · 17/07/2018 17:19

I’d move back closer to your family if I were you. Your relationship sounds very precarious and there is nothing stopping your partner from just upping and leaving whenever he next feels like it. His family sound awful and I’m sure you would be much happier away from them. I’d save up as much as you can and get away with your son and start a new life away from them.

doucherama · 17/07/2018 17:28

Not to scare you lovely, but I would do as the other posters said and move as far away from these arseholes as possible and DEFINITELY before your little one starts school. Once he starts school, he will be deemed as "settled" should they ever haul your area to court. Then you'll be forced to stay local to these horrible people and they will continue to abuse you. And they will probably be dropping poison about you in your son's ear along the way.

This is abuse, make no mistake and your partner is complicit. You have nothing to lose here so cut your losses. Take your DC back to where your family live if you can, tell the partner/ex/whatever he thinks he is at the moment that you're taking the kid for a little summer break to see your family. And then never go back. Ever. Enroll your child in a school in your hometown over the summer holidays and approach the police and women's AID about non-molestation orders. Report to GP as well. Mention domestic abuse and coercive control. You don't have to be being hit to be being abused. You are in a very unsafe position here with regards to your child and need to act fast, I think.

If you don't have a supportive family, the seek out a women's refuge in order to start again.

Your DC's father and his family are disgusting bullies - you have my sympathy... Thanks

pinkyredrose · 17/07/2018 17:32

I'd move in a heartbeat. It sounds like hell where you are. Horrid inlaws and a useless partner. Why don't you go visit and while you're there scope out jobs and housing? Or Visit and just b don't go back!

Maccapacca88 · 17/07/2018 17:40

I'd move! They're "sticking up for him"? WTAF? He keeps ending things with you, left you and his child and let's them treat you like crap. He should be setting them straight! He is isolating you and letting them all think you're the problem. You are being abused.

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2018 17:56

Move back to your family op and let them see the consequences of being shit to you....they'll see less of their grandchild.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 17/07/2018 17:57

YANBU I couldn't live like that.

AngelsSins · 17/07/2018 18:10

Move, move, move! This is not a healthy or happy life for you.

Winosaurus · 17/07/2018 19:17

Why do they feel they need to stick up for him? What on earth has he been saying about you Shock

Maccapacca88 · 17/07/2018 19:24

Winosaurus, my thoughts exactly. It sounds like he's letting them think she's the "baddie" to isolate her and justify treating her like shit. He can then keep doing exactly as he likes and she has nowhere to turn.

Original poster
RaspberryJam4 · 17/07/2018 19:53

He admits that he was off about me when he first moved out to his sisters, but said then he was pretty positive about me to his mother and sister but they were adamant he should never have had to leave HIS house. This was their main issue and despite him saying to them repeatedly that a) I never asked him to leave and b) where could I go being the main carer and no family, despite that he says they’ve just had it in for me since. He says his SIL poisons his mother about it, and although he’s asked her to stop she won’t.

Yet despite this he seems to visit his SIL with DS every weekend and she buys him special presents. It makes me very uncomfortable. He never used to visit her before as much, she used to complain she hardly saw him.

The Ex and eldest DSD are both pretty against me too, and have birthdays where DP, MIL and SIL attend with DS but I’m not welcome.

My DS does have his name down for a school. DP is really being nice to me, he can probably feel that I’m distancing myself.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 17/07/2018 20:00

Importantly, is he on the bc?

MrsAidanTurner · 17/07/2018 20:03

My sil has done same issue thing, a close family friend once told me she was our worst problem with Mil making things worse.

The pp poster who said get the hell out was correct it's coercive abuse and control, he is complicit, you have nothing. Go back to family if you have it.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 17/07/2018 20:08

Move. As soon as possible. You say you’re resourceful so you know you can do it. Good luck.

Maccapacca88 · 17/07/2018 20:10

Raspberry, that's what he tells you. If that's how he feels then why the hell is he letting them treat you like this and still seeing them? If my family thought they were treating my partner like that, fuck would I be taking my kids there to hear it all!

Original poster
RaspberryJam4 · 18/07/2018 08:10

He doesn’t want me to move. I just feel taken over. I had started to think that I just must be jealous or insecure, every time he brings DS to his SIL I’ve started to feel physically sick. And that is now every weekend. He knows I don’t feel comfortable going there and I don’t feel I can say ‘don’t take DS’.

In the past year I’ve also had DP tell me that I’m a controlling person and that I need therapy. I feel that this has come from discussions with SIL.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 18/07/2018 08:17

It doesn't matter if he doesn't want you to move. If you need to move for the sake of your own mental and physical health then you sure as hell move - funds permitting!

I think you need to talk to woman's aid, domestic abuse isn't just from partners, it can be from anyone in the family.

I would also go to the counselling, if only to get yourself some reassurance that you are doing the right thing.

Run, run far far away from this lot, they're poisonous toxic people!

CallingDannyBoy · 18/07/2018 08:18

What do you get to do with your son on a weekend? It sounds as though a lot of the time he is out visiting in laws and you don’t get to do anything with him or as a family?

It doesn’t sound as though anything will change - your in laws aren’t going to change and your P isn’t doing anything to make it change he just continues to isolate you. Is this where you want to be in 5 years time? Move now, they sound awful, don’t waste this time. Get an exit strategy and move.

MachineBee · 18/07/2018 08:18

I’m another saying please move back to near your family now and start making a life for your DC without such toxic people in their life.

OldBean2 · 18/07/2018 08:21

Please, listen to what you are being told. Of course he does not want you to move, he would have to make arrangements to visit his son.

Do you want your child brought up in this atmosphere and then to repeat the pattern?

Listen and move back to your support network.

tenbob · 18/07/2018 08:23

DP not wanting you to move is irrelevant when he is enabling his family to make your life impossible to stay living where you are

If SIL is so good at poisoning people against you, what do you think she is going to start doing with your son, given she has so much time with him..?
Lavishing him with presents is just all part of the grooming...

Coolaschmoola · 18/07/2018 08:27

Move now. And if they complain point out that last time they were angry with you staying in the house, so this time you've done it the way THEY said it should have been done.

Go now, before DS starts school. Your DP is letting his family treat you like dirt - he is a disgrace.

BarbarianMum · 18/07/2018 08:27

OP I mean this kindly (honest) but you really need to wake up and get moving.

Dont worry about what he wants, what do you want? What do you need? You need your own place and to be financially independent. Either move back to your family (now, before he starts school) or the moment he's in school get a job - any job - and start saving for your own place.

Being quietly unhappy and doing nothing is a luxury you dont have right now.

Original poster
RaspberryJam4 · 18/07/2018 08:28

I need to hear this I think. I’ve felt that this was wrong for a while, but once established it’s very difficult to unhook myself. His SIL said I was toxic. My friends say that they want to just haul me out of here. It’s really useful hearing this, I think of myself as a strong person but I’d never even thought about emotional abuse coming from not just your partner but their family.

What most alerted me over the past few months is the increasing time they are spending with my DS. SIL has been buying him presents. It all feels so wrong but my DP and even my friends suggested that there was nothing wrong with this, and that maybe I am a bit controlling.

OP posts:
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