AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!

[RaspberryJam4]

I feel very hemmed in, isolated and not in a good place.

I have lived with my partner for 7 years in his house (my name is not on the mortgage, more fool me). I’ve had a difficult relationship, where he has flipped a lot from wanting to end the relationship to wanting to stay. We have a 4 year old son together.

I moved over 200 miles to move in with him. His family are driving me crazy! He has two daughters, mother, sister and Ex all living 5 mins away and except for youngest DSD they all dislike me, bitch about me to DP but every weekend my DP takes our son each day to theirs and they fawn over him. He has a grandson of a similar age and they play together a lot too. I’m so sick of it, I feel totally written off and invisible. I don’t have friends near so I’m left alone. When I do go and see friends for the weekend and leave my son with DP, they’ve practically moved in whilst I’m away.

This did not happen overnight. I thought they were all nice but very critical of me, I just thought it was a cultural difference, it’s very rural, close knit, insular here and I come from city life and worked etc. Recently my DP ended the relationship out of the blue, again, and lived with his sister for 4 months. That upped the animosity towards me massively. SIL, even a year later, is vociferous about me as well as eldest DSD, MIL, and Ex. She is most angry that DP moved out of ‘his house’ and although I gave up full time well paid work to look after DS, did not ask DP to move out, and did not initiate the break up they have all refused to have anything to do with me for over a year now.

I can’t stand living here anymore. I feel like they are very keen to have a lot to do with my son and this makes me feel very anxious, it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out. I’ve explained to DP who has lived back with me and wants to now be with me, and he’s had a word with his mum but says they are ‘just sticking up for him, and just love our son’ and what’s my problem really. They actually glare at me in the street.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me. I’m not so invested in my relationship as it’s so rocky on his part. I’ve nothing financially but I’m quite resourceful. AIBU?

Play your cards close to your chest, but tell your friends and family. Don’t let your DP or his family get wind of this. Make sure you have important docs as said by others, and don’t worry about taking much of anything else with you apart from bare essentials. Leave quietly and quickly. And for goodness sake say nothing to your DS until you’ve left.

Definitely get out before school starts op. Just pack quietly and leave.

It’s made my situation a lot clearer. I thought I’d have mixed opinions and questions about what I’d done to make them all dislike me. DP has hinted that it must be something I’m doing if they all don’t get on with me. Except this only applies to his family, not anyone I know!

In response no I don’t fully know why Ex is part of this, except that she and DSDs are obviously close, and she feels like she’s still his wife as we are not married. She has gone to events with SIL and MIL and my DS without me and looked quite smug. She also ignores me in the street. Although SIL think Ex and her family are awful, but Exes family also live near so she’s always had that support.

It just adds to the general feeling of exclusion that I have. I do need to leave. And soon.

OP your safety is most important thing. You deserve to be somewhere you're appreciated, respected and treated well - you are not getting that staying where you are. You and your son deserve support and love, not this toxic environment. As soon as you can, just go. Big hugs xxxx

There was a thread on here recently where a woman was preparing to separate and had paid cash for a secret storeroom and was squirrelling things away, in preparation. You might find that thread really useful. (She was buying gift cards, Christmas presents and all sorts.)

If a store doesn't work for you, could you start posting things to yourself at your mum's address?

A secret stash room is a good idea. It IS a toxic environment isn’t it. Everyone here minimises it including DP.

I think the continued lack of recognition from DP, not even putting me on the mortgage or in his will - when I gave up a good job to care for DS, is very upsetting but also shows me he has no value for me. That’s despite him saying what a great mum I am. But not enough of a Mum to be given any kind of emotional or financial security. It’s devastating to find myself in this position. I genuinely never thought this would be how it would turn out!

It was a mistake to give up the job and move to hicksville: be savvy and secretive, and plan to make the best of things now, by getting away asap and back on track.

What an awful situation to be in and your partner is fully complicit in excluding you and taking your son away on a daily basis....

Hey raspberry- hes not a DP. At best he’s a spineless weak man with no respect for the mother of his child and his partner and unable and unwilling to commit and support her. Dependent on and deeply enmeshed with a horrible family.

Yes the moving out does worry me. He keeps saying that neither of us can move out until we’ve both decided how. He said that we needed to get it all written out. I read this as him feeling like I might try to make a claim on the house or move to my families. I said that I’m the main carer, surely I can just move out? I don’t have to get his agreement. He said well he couldn’t just move out with the kids, so neither could I. I need some legal advice perhaps

Why are you talking to him about this.You are putting yourself in danger.

I have no idea why you want legal advice you don't own anything, apart from a bit of child maintenance which can be sorted out later he doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe him anything.

What exactly do you want a solicitor to tell you?

The only reason he could want something put in writing is for you to sign that he will either be main carer for your ds or you are not to move too far away.
Do you really want to be stuck in that place for the next 14 years subject to the bad mouthing from him and his family.
Do you really want to lose your ds, whether it be to him as a carer or later because his family have poisoned him against you.

If either of these things is what you want then keep moaning and don't do anything and let things take their course.

My friend has been through something very similar and she ended up so badly disabled she couldn't move.

She too used to try and get to the bottom why his family didn't like her and had his family round fawning over her ds .
Friend if she had run when she had the chance she would have had a very different life to the living hell she has endured for at least the past 14 years. As I have said before the red flags were there even before she realised she was trapped.

Who cares if they hate you. You will be far away. If you move now at least you will have control of who gets to see your ds every other weekend. Stay and you hand power to him and his family

I may well be fooling myself but surely DP must start to see this is? If he doesn’t, I don’t think that I have any control over this

He does see it all but no matter how open minded he was when away from this area he is back in the family fold and it suits him for the status quo to continue.
He doesn't want to rock the boat.

Even if you have not a penny in your pocket for your ds's sake leave now.

He knows you are thinking of leaving because you have told him and he is already trying to stop you with talk of signing papers.
The only joint thing you have is ds so what ever these papers are they are not going to benefit you

Stop giving him the heads up.

I am wondering,

Does he leave the house to go to work? if yes, as soon as he goes shove some clothes in black sacks and leave. there is nothing in the jouse you cant replace or live without.

Do you have a car or is it his? If it is his car, go to a train station part way. You will avoid the hassle of having 'stolen' his car.
You really need to get out. Asap.

Please say he is not on the birth certificate?

If you do go - and i really hope you do - go into the bank and freeze the joint accounts on grounds of marital split. After you have withdrawn as much cash as possible first.

At your mums make a claim for tax credits. Contact a local school. Make an appt with a solicitor.

Please leave.

This is one of the most sinister things I have ever read. I actually have chills. Leave, first chance you get. Please.

I am wondering OP if you are discussing all this with your partner because deep down you are hoping he will see sense and come running to you when you finally get him to pick you and suddenly his family will see the light and you will all live happily ever after in Royston Vasey.

I can tell you that is not going to happen. He has made his choice and it is not you.

OP he’s on to you, stop talking to him about leaving!!
I honestly don’t think he’ll just merrily let you go and stay with your Mum in august - he already knows your plan

Tomorrow when he is at work, go and get a bag, put passports & birth certificates in it and GO!
Everything else can be replaced
Your DS can’t - and I guarantee if you stay much longer they will take him from you

Please please leave
I bet anyone you know will be utterly delighted to see you on their doorstep, they’ll have been willing you to see sense for years
Please
Just go

OP, you are alone and dependent on a very abusive man and his equally abusive family. They are trying to take your child from you - you need to smile, play dumb, wait for the first day he is at work, and get the hell out. Do not wait three weeks, just GO! He may not have hit you yet but the times when women are most in danger from an abusive partner is when they are trying to leave - and you are TELLING him you are trying to leave! Please, just throw a few things in a bag, take your important documents and GO!

OP, your posts have made me anxious. I feel like I’m watching a film where the heroine has just realised she needs to get out but the abuser is 2 steps ahead. And the audience is screaming at the screen for her to go. Don’t wait for another weekend for your DS to see his family again. Or you might find they don’t bring him back. They could invent all manner of reasons not to return him and the pattern that he has been spending more and more time with them goes in their favour. Don’t let him out of your sight, and then pack the essentials tomorrow. The other poster PPs have talked about having a secret stash - her partner is oblivious. Yours isn’t. You don’t have the time. For god’s sake, GO!

If my friend had been a poster on mumsnet when she first noticing things in her relationship. The whole of mumsnet would have been screaming for her to leave.

If she had she would not have endured the living hell of being permanently disabled. (She will never work again). She wouldn't have endured the daily physical and mental abuse for over at least 14 years. She wouldn't have had the fight to retain some relationship with her children.

When this divorce is over she will have no one. Her DC are both at uni and whilst they are still in contact with their father and spend some weekend's with her they have their own life and having witnessed everything that has gone on their relationship with their DM is not the same.

Please go far away. Don't wait around like friend did wondering what his next move would be and trying to work him out otherwise you could have your options taken away from you.

Don't stick around doing the pick me dance against his mother, family and ex wife you will lose.

Don't be one of those posters who come back in 6 months time when everything we warned you about has come true and asking advice as to what to do when you didn't take our advice in the first place which would have made your life a lot simpler

Please don't tell him your plans OP!!!! I'm so shocked you're telling him about them I'm having trouble typing this!!

He's NOT your friend! He's your abuser. You might feel that by telling him he will make a sweeping romantic gesture and change as he realises he's losing you. But he won't. He will plot against you to take your son away. The reason his family spend so much time with your son and make so much effort with him is so that one day they can get rid of you completely and have your son to themselves and be one big happy family without you!!

Since you gave him the heads up you need to leave asap. Enough already. Please. Just go. By Friday. While he's at work pack your things and leave. I know it's not easy. But it's more bearable than losing your precious precious child.

So when are you leaving then OP? Soon I hope. Very, very soon!! X

YES YOU CAN move out with your son! There is NOTHING legally to stop you. Fact! You are on the birth certificate as his mother. You are primary carer. Doesn't matter if he's on birth certificate or not, he cannot stop you and your son from leaving!!! Just go!!!!!

Please call Women's Aid!!! tel: 08082000247

Yo yo more has summed it up perfectly.

Leave ASAP. There is no way I would let my DS hang out with a load of people who hated me. That in itself is reason enough to go. Your DS deserves to have a strong and untainted relationship with his primary carer, his mother. No fucking way would I let a load of in laws potentially deprive my DA of that bedrock of emotional stability. Be gone and don’t look back. You will rebuild over the next couple of years and will never regret it