AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!

[RaspberryJam4]

I feel very hemmed in, isolated and not in a good place.

I have lived with my partner for 7 years in his house (my name is not on the mortgage, more fool me). I’ve had a difficult relationship, where he has flipped a lot from wanting to end the relationship to wanting to stay. We have a 4 year old son together.

I moved over 200 miles to move in with him. His family are driving me crazy! He has two daughters, mother, sister and Ex all living 5 mins away and except for youngest DSD they all dislike me, bitch about me to DP but every weekend my DP takes our son each day to theirs and they fawn over him. He has a grandson of a similar age and they play together a lot too. I’m so sick of it, I feel totally written off and invisible. I don’t have friends near so I’m left alone. When I do go and see friends for the weekend and leave my son with DP, they’ve practically moved in whilst I’m away.

This did not happen overnight. I thought they were all nice but very critical of me, I just thought it was a cultural difference, it’s very rural, close knit, insular here and I come from city life and worked etc. Recently my DP ended the relationship out of the blue, again, and lived with his sister for 4 months. That upped the animosity towards me massively. SIL, even a year later, is vociferous about me as well as eldest DSD, MIL, and Ex. She is most angry that DP moved out of ‘his house’ and although I gave up full time well paid work to look after DS, did not ask DP to move out, and did not initiate the break up they have all refused to have anything to do with me for over a year now.

I can’t stand living here anymore. I feel like they are very keen to have a lot to do with my son and this makes me feel very anxious, it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out. I’ve explained to DP who has lived back with me and wants to now be with me, and he’s had a word with his mum but says they are ‘just sticking up for him, and just love our son’ and what’s my problem really. They actually glare at me in the street.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me. I’m not so invested in my relationship as it’s so rocky on his part. I’ve nothing financially but I’m quite resourceful. AIBU?

OP, move quickly before your son starts school. It’ll be so much harder after.

You and your son are being manipulated. Your DP does NOT see you as a family - that's his birth family, and his first family, and his son. You're the annoying nanny he shags every now and again. Soon, you'll get the sack. Your son is spending all his "family" time without you, around these other people, and God knows what they're telling him about you, whilst showering him with gifts.

Your gut is telling you that there is something very wrong here

Listen to it. Follow the very good advice you've been given upthread. Get your hands on all the important documents - birth certificate, passports, red book etc. Get copies of the financial information. Do all of this in secret, when he's at work. Then get the hell out of there.

Act quickly. As others have pointed out, you have a very small window here.

Sorry if I’ve given the impression that it was for the whole weekend, it’s for both afternoons of the weekend. It’s crept up slowly, with DP suggesting that he is giving me a break by taking DS to the park, but then he is spending longer and longer. It’s not just his SIL, his Ex and DD and grandson are seeing DS a lot and becoming ‘best friends’. They also do not like me. My DS is becoming close to them and that makes me very uneasy as there is so said about me that I don’t know about. I feel excluded and I don’t know why DP is choosing to spend so much more time with them than he did when we met, or when DS was a baby. SIL would maybe visit a few times a year, and DP would not visit. Now it’s been ‘rocky’ between us they have swarmed around.

DS has been saying that he cannot say things in my accent, and has been told off for this. The ILs are from a rural culture, just to keep it a bit anonymous, it’s a bit like I’ve moved to rural Wales with some very local families who’ve been there forever, but it’s not Wales. I do feel an outsider, but had not thought it would be a long term problem.

What set this all off again as last weekend I was away and everyone was around the whole weekend I was gone, and when I came back there was chocolate and presents galore from SIL to DS. My eldest DSD and her son had also spent the whole weekend at our house. I spoke to DP for the first time in ages about it, finally plucking up the courage to say that it felt very wrong that ILs and his daughter were fawning over DS yet still after a year disliked me and ignored me.

DP became angry and said that I had problems of control and that I was dreadful to even use the word fawning. That they all loved him and that I was terrible for being negative about that. I tried to stick to what I wanted to say and said that even so, I did feel that ‘loving’ our son on the one hand whilst hating me on the other was a negative and divisive environment for my child. I said that I didn’t even know half of why I was so disliked and that I was sick of the isolation. He had a word with his mother who he said he had to convince that I was not a bad person. He said that she was prepared to come and see me sometimes. He said his SIL was different and that she was set against me no matter what. I thanked him for speaking to his mother but also said although I would be polite, MIL coming around to speak about the weather after such a year was going to be sweeping it all under the carpet. He continued to say that she’s entitled to her opinion. I feel that her dislike of me would continue if he didn’t stand up for me and recognize that him running off to ILs each day at the weekend wasn’t helpful. He didn’t seem to get it. I get the impression that they’ve all decided that I need to be ‘managed’ and that there is something wrong with me.

It’s not going to stop I think. I feel quite low and a lot of my get up and go has gone.

Sorry I hope it’s not drip feeding, but I did feel very insecure early on. When DS was a baby DP was texting other women. I thought that I got on with his family at that point but only in a very infrequent way, anyway I found out about it and DP was full of remorse and stopped it. However he did tell SIL who did know that this happened and that I forgave him and tried to make it work.

Since your update my post still stands

RUN

I would prioritise getting out of this situation. If there's another weekend before you leave (hopefully there won't be), I would arrange something to do with your child which doesn't involve the in-laws, so he's not available and you're making it gently clear to them how things are, ie, he's your child and it's not appropriate to exclude you.

Honestly, OP, you need to shift your focus here. Stop talking about all that's gone on. We believe you. Start focussing quietly on your plans to leave.

OP you don't have to get bogged down justifying your decision to leave to anyone - not him and not us. You're unhappy, you have plenty of reason to be unhappy, you can go.

You're so far into an abusive situation and being very likely gaslighted into believing that you're the problem OP I fear for your relationship with your child in the future. Parental alienation is such a toxic environment for families and it sounds like his are fully exploiting any time away from you.

You moved away from your own support structure, do you ever go home with your child and partner and if so how does he treat you when you're there?

I echo the sound advice you've already received and, without advertising, make plans to move. He is controlling you, his family are directly interfering with your relationship with your child. Leave it too much longer and you may have real difficulties with your baby.

Try and make preparations to leave without telling him - can you confide in members of your family? Have you somewhere to go? Could you find employment in your home town?

You need to just pack your bags and leave!!!!!!!

I'm guessing this trip away last weekend without your son was pushed/encouraged by DP?!

Until you leave, you need to be saying that from now on, your son goes NOWHERE without you! This is emotional abuse and will eventually turn your son against you!!!?

I hear all of you. I know DP can feel my rising unease as he’s upping the niceness.

I do go home regularly, mostly with DS. DP rarely, if ever, comes along. Last time he came with me was 2 years ago. He likes to be a great father around my family to DS, but basically has no interest at all in my friends or family. In fact he’s becoming as insular as ILs, even when I suggested letting a room to give us more income he became very upset and said no way could strangers come into his house.

I am worried about DS, he’s very suggestible and has a learning disability. SIL has no children of her own and is the main matriarch of the family.

I have told my family some things, friends more. My brothers don’t really feel comfortable talking personal stuff but will help if I asked. My mother isn’t really up to any stress, but would love me to move in. There’s not much space but it’s possible. I think it’s got to the stage with friends where I feel embarrassed to keep being negative about my relationship without acting on it. They were very concerned when he was caught cheating. Recently my close friend admitted that she didn’t like visiting me as it felt like I was a lodger there. That was when my DSDs lived with us and they would ignore me most of the time.

Just another voice to add to those above- move back to your own friends and family.

You and your child need secure housing and finances. This man and his family are grinding you down- once they’re sure they can get rid of you and keep your son, they will.

@audiQ2 yes that is true DP has encouraged me to go away without DS. Quite often really. I’ve often joked that he was trying to get rid of me.

Now this feeling of unease has overwhelmed me I don’t want to leave my son at all. Why should I? If it was okay they’d have no problem seeing him by visiting the house. That’s so true.

Exactly! I’ve seen this happen before darling. The mother was a friend and she is now 3,800 miles away from her child and has been for over ten years.......

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pack your bags next time he leaves. Grab your child and GO!!!!!!

I have read and comment on threads, where the partners - usually fathers - have turned their children against their mothers. It is possible for a manipulative parent to turn their child against the other parent at any age. Right now your ds is little and even more vulnerable. I would be very surprised if he hasn’t heard unkind things about you.

I agree this is abuse and coercion from the whole family. I do also think your ds is being groomed. You need to get your son as afar away from this bunch as possible. Can you take your ds home to your family for a visit and start cooking up separation plans with your mother.

Oh crikey @audiQ2 that’s a bit of a wake up call. Your poor friend. The poor child!

Ps, he cannot legally stop you taking your son, whether he’s on birth certificate or not. As you are on it too - obviously! You’re his mother!

He and his family sound awful.

Get your brothers to help you move back to your mum's, and take your son. It will be difficult working out custody but your DP sounds like a selfish ratbag and cannot expect to just drop you yet have you stay around his horrible family for his benefit!

Good luck OP xxx

Op please move. You can go to your mums even if it’s temp until you get your self sorted
Do it for yourself and your son

You need to move back home and I'd do it now OP.

Honestly he is trying to take your DS away,why do you think your SIL is buying him so much stuff?

Your SIL has no children of her own and she's over the top with your DS and she hates you and your partner keeps taking your DS there and encouraging you to go away without your DS.

I'd be getting everything ready and leaving whilst he's at work tomorrow,I honestly believe that he's going to take your DS to his families house one weekend and not return him and with him acting extra nice(that's because he knows the tide is turning)it could be this weekend.

You owe this poor excuse for a man and his twisted family nothing,get out now whilst you can!

I’ve just made plans today to visit family and friends for 3 weeks in August, with DS. I can’t go until second week of August, so I’ve got three weekends here. I’ll be making sure I spend all my time with DS until then.

I’ve also got a relation who is a solicitor, I want to see her but it’s tricky with DS. I want to talk through legal options. I asked my DP last week to re set up mediation. We’d booked them 2 months ago as DP was still fickle and I wanted a resolution. However I’m not sure if this is the right thing now. A year ago he agreed ‘not to block me’ if I wanted to move away. After he’d left to live at SILs. However I don’t know if this will hold. I feel I need room to breathe.

Oh god get out of their before it's too late, that's awful, your DP doesn't even have your back

I don't think you should wait until August.

I think you need to pack up your stuff and get out the next time he is out.