AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!

[RaspberryJam4]

I feel very hemmed in, isolated and not in a good place.

I have lived with my partner for 7 years in his house (my name is not on the mortgage, more fool me). I’ve had a difficult relationship, where he has flipped a lot from wanting to end the relationship to wanting to stay. We have a 4 year old son together.

I moved over 200 miles to move in with him. His family are driving me crazy! He has two daughters, mother, sister and Ex all living 5 mins away and except for youngest DSD they all dislike me, bitch about me to DP but every weekend my DP takes our son each day to theirs and they fawn over him. He has a grandson of a similar age and they play together a lot too. I’m so sick of it, I feel totally written off and invisible. I don’t have friends near so I’m left alone. When I do go and see friends for the weekend and leave my son with DP, they’ve practically moved in whilst I’m away.

This did not happen overnight. I thought they were all nice but very critical of me, I just thought it was a cultural difference, it’s very rural, close knit, insular here and I come from city life and worked etc. Recently my DP ended the relationship out of the blue, again, and lived with his sister for 4 months. That upped the animosity towards me massively. SIL, even a year later, is vociferous about me as well as eldest DSD, MIL, and Ex. She is most angry that DP moved out of ‘his house’ and although I gave up full time well paid work to look after DS, did not ask DP to move out, and did not initiate the break up they have all refused to have anything to do with me for over a year now.

I can’t stand living here anymore. I feel like they are very keen to have a lot to do with my son and this makes me feel very anxious, it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out. I’ve explained to DP who has lived back with me and wants to now be with me, and he’s had a word with his mum but says they are ‘just sticking up for him, and just love our son’ and what’s my problem really. They actually glare at me in the street.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me. I’m not so invested in my relationship as it’s so rocky on his part. I’ve nothing financially but I’m quite resourceful. AIBU?

OP-google the Freedom Programme and see if anything resonates.

Domestic abuse can come from anyone. Even I want to haul you out of there and I don't even know you. I would start by speaking to woman's aid. And getting your ducks in a row.
Think about where you're going to go, how you're going to support yourself, are your finances merged or do you have your own money?
Slowly plan this and get yourself out before they poison your son against you.

If you stay, then sooner or later this man will throw you out. And you'll have nothing (place to live/money) and he may then make a good case for your ds staying with him, or at least 50:50 care (bet his family would help him w childcare). And you'll be stuck close to him and his family forever.

Trust your judgement. You know your situation sucks but you're hesitating to act on that knowledge. Don't.

The primary problem is not his family, it’s DP. He chooses to prioritise his family over you and treat you, and tolerate them treating you, this way.

You’ve made some poor decisions and are now in a bad situation. Don’t compound it by staying in it. As PPs say you have a VERY short time window to move away, and even now he may seek to prevent this legally. You urgently need legal advice.

If you break up and live separately, even locally should you not be allowed to move away, you will be able to make more decisions about your DS.

What would happen if you sometimes made plans and refused DP taking DS to visit the family?

Oh OP. I feel for you. I had similar treatment from my ex SiL and know how it feels. Again exH refused to acknowledge it.

Note he's now an ex. I sense from your tone that you won't tolerate this much longer and you value your self worth. Please please take steps to run, run the hell away from this toxic family and go start a new life where you have support. Whether DH comes with you I guess is entirely up to him!

I suggest you spend this morning exploring school places in the area you want to move back to.
Good luck.

This sounds awful.

I don't think you should tell him you are thinking of leaving - I suspect they might not return DS from SILS. It's disgusting that you are forced to be apart from your child every weekend like this - utter madness.

Speak to your family and stress how important it is that they keep it quiet - go home with DS and take it from there. Good luck.

Easy to say, but I think you're in an untenable situation. You can't be around people who have malicious intent. It's not good for your mental health and therefore not ultimately in your ds' best interests either. You don't have to consider your dp's family's interests. They certainly aren't considering yours.

I would contact my family and ask if you can stay until you get on your feet. Get your ds down for a school local to your family. Get hold of passports, birth certificates, any important documents and take photos of bank accounts and document all the assets. And then leave.

If you fear recrimination, do it in one day with the help of your family and don't let on that this is your plan, so it's a fait accompli. You don't want anyone to scupper your plans, so I'd keep very quite about this.

Work on your exit strategy and get your friends and family onside - as long as you're sure you can trust that they won't tell your dp or his family.

Yes you really must leave and go back to your home town before school starts.

Do look at the freedom programme & do think of a strategy. Is there a good friend or family member you can confide in in real life? It’s good to plan but don’t wait until everything ‘falls into place’ either as it just wont. You won’t get for instance a school place until you do move but you should get one. Take it a step at a time - if you need to just take a break with your son back home just as he did by going to his sisters. Try and make sure you have some cash. They will potentially be clever enough to feel remorse. Watch for that. Stay strong.

Take your friends up on their offer - pack your and DS's things while your partner is at work and just go. This is absolutely emotional abuse - look at the Freedom Programme. Even moving to temporary accommodation has to be better than this and I've seen temporary accommodation in London.

Why would you partner choose to leave each & every w/e, even without the DC ?
This relationship is dead in the water. The family have deliberately excluded you. Are they another culture to you ? either way, you are outcast. your DP, could simply support you by not going to visit them every w/e, he has no respect & certainly doesn't love you.
Please take DC & run & run fast.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me.

Listen to this.
Do it quietly.
See a solicitor.
Start making plans.
Protect yourself and your child.
YANBU.

See a solicitor. His family will be encouraging him to fight for custody to get at you. You need to quietly start making plans. Good luck.

Oh God, get out of there straight away. You have horrible ILs, you have a horrible DH who is not taking your side, not supportive, may leave at any time - what is there to stay for??

Move back to your friends and family. Your in-laws have NO right to see your dc at all. Sounds like they're making plans to get custody of your dc. I'd see a solicitor too.

Put yourself first here.

I honestly think his family have told him to move back in so he can kick you out. You will be homeless and unemployed.
I'd start planning today. Pack everything you need, and leave anything that is not essential. [flower]
Can your DP's put you up until you get on your feet ?

Sorry if I have missed this, but how far away do your family and friends live? I think there could be legal problem if you just moved a long way away with your son. Could you possibly see a solicitor for advice about this?

Sorry - meant to add that this situation is toxic to you. They are "teaching" your son to have no respect for his mother and sound like they are trying to buy his affection. It is unreasonable for him to expect that you can never spend a weekend with your own son.

Could you manage to find another job do you think?

RUN RUN RUN and don't look back.

Say you are going to see your family or pack when he is at work. Just get out.

Of course he is nice to you it is because if he wasn't you would leave taking ds with you.

Your situation is very very similar to a friend who married someone from a different culture.

She didn't leave as she thought it was more to do with in laws than her dh.

She then had an "accident" caused by dh which left her permanently disabled. Her dh changed and she has suffered years and years of abuse that with being in constant pain had left her so depressed. She started divorce proceedings over a year ago after one particular nasty incident when somebody called the police and they forced her to get an injunction against him and recommended she get a divorce. Please leave today if possible. Please don't leave it until it is too late and you can't walk to the front door let alone unlock it and walk away.

Friend can never prove anything but she will always wonder if the accident was not an accident or she wasn't meant to survive. Her biggest regret is not leaving sooner and wasting her whole life trying to make him happy.

Friend did the Freedom programme and can now see the Red Flags that were in her relationship from the beginning.

Call the schools/LEA from your home town today. Do something to start the process. You need to leave and be happy again. If your partner chooses to come with you and make a go of it, so be it but currently you are way down his list of priorities and on a bit of a sticky wicket home & finance wise. Can you talk to your parents? Do you have a good/supportive relationship with them? Call them too!!

I hope you realize it won't be that long before they start to turn your Ds against you too, how can they not? They see him each weekend and will become the favoured part of his family. Once Ds is in school they will still get him with Dh each weekend and you'll get the school runs and homework. They will eventually get you to leave and then they will keep Ds with his Dad edging you out completly. Just bag up all important papers and go without notice while he is at work. Is there a family member who can come to get you with a car so you can take more things with you? Just go.

Does your DS like your partner's family, OP? If he's seen a lot of them he'll be very confused if they just disappear - how often do you see your own family?

RUN! RUN! Run like the wind.

Dont tell your DP. Just get yours and your DS's stuff together and go.

It wont be long before they start poisoning him too.

He doesn’t want me to move

Of course he doesnt this is nothing about what he wants.

Dont tell your dp op, get out first to place of safety ie where you can think and be yourself again.

Then deal with your relations with him.

thats secondary here.