AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!

[RaspberryJam4]

I feel very hemmed in, isolated and not in a good place.

I have lived with my partner for 7 years in his house (my name is not on the mortgage, more fool me). I’ve had a difficult relationship, where he has flipped a lot from wanting to end the relationship to wanting to stay. We have a 4 year old son together.

I moved over 200 miles to move in with him. His family are driving me crazy! He has two daughters, mother, sister and Ex all living 5 mins away and except for youngest DSD they all dislike me, bitch about me to DP but every weekend my DP takes our son each day to theirs and they fawn over him. He has a grandson of a similar age and they play together a lot too. I’m so sick of it, I feel totally written off and invisible. I don’t have friends near so I’m left alone. When I do go and see friends for the weekend and leave my son with DP, they’ve practically moved in whilst I’m away.

This did not happen overnight. I thought they were all nice but very critical of me, I just thought it was a cultural difference, it’s very rural, close knit, insular here and I come from city life and worked etc. Recently my DP ended the relationship out of the blue, again, and lived with his sister for 4 months. That upped the animosity towards me massively. SIL, even a year later, is vociferous about me as well as eldest DSD, MIL, and Ex. She is most angry that DP moved out of ‘his house’ and although I gave up full time well paid work to look after DS, did not ask DP to move out, and did not initiate the break up they have all refused to have anything to do with me for over a year now.

I can’t stand living here anymore. I feel like they are very keen to have a lot to do with my son and this makes me feel very anxious, it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out. I’ve explained to DP who has lived back with me and wants to now be with me, and he’s had a word with his mum but says they are ‘just sticking up for him, and just love our son’ and what’s my problem really. They actually glare at me in the street.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me. I’m not so invested in my relationship as it’s so rocky on his part. I’ve nothing financially but I’m quite resourceful. AIBU?

This is very triggering for me, so apologies if I am forceful.
You need to get out and go where you need to be. IMMEDIATELY.
DP's family are most likely distancing you because of HIM. You have no idea what he has been saying to them about you.
Do NOT discuss leaving or even give a hint that things are not right. Unless you want to find them closing ranks and trying to push you away and keep your child with him/them.
Once you get to where you need to be (mum's or wherever) contact the police and tell them that you have left a situation of domestic abuse. Coercive control is a recognised form of abuse. You will see this more clearly once you break away from it. After you are somewhere safe you can speak to a solicitor.
Be aware that although residence can take months of court process to establish, there are "Prohibited steps" orders that can be issued by urgent court hearing. Your DP can go to the court the day you leave and get an order that you are not to remove yourself from wherever you are without permission if the court. If you have stayed local, the court can order that you remain within the county. He can make up any stories he likes about you to get these orders made - such as claiming you are mentally unstable and have abducted your own child.
Take passports and birth certificates.
Contact a domestic abuse agency who will help enormously with practical and emotional fall out.
Please take care! I know how scary it is, but you can do this!

That relation is talking bullocks no one can force you to stay in an area
There are so many posts on here about mothers and fathers taking their children and moving 4 or 5 hour car journeys away and nothing the other person can do anything about it

gottostopeatingchocolate I hope the OP does everything you’ve said; I’m so sorry you were in a similar situation.

Also, my heavily pregnant cousin left a DV situation a few years back; and took her children who were in school and also 7,8 and 12 respectively. She went back 2 hours away to her family were located, and went to a refuge. There was not a THING her twat of an ex-husband could do. The children we re re-enrolled in local schools and the family housed them whilst she got herself back on her feet.

I think your relative is talking out of her arse. To be perfectly honest; if that were me, I’d be leaving today. And I wouldn’t be moving back unless the police physically picked me up and carried me. I’d also be insisting on contact centres for visits because I would say your DS is at risk for abduction by your partner’s family.

@gottastopeatingchocolate

Sorry you had to go through this.

OP - please take the advice given by gotta x

Your relative thinks that someone cannot move for a job and the ex can make them give up work move to whatever area ex wants them to and has the power to remove children from a school and state exactly which school they can attend.

I hope I never get legal advice from your relative

@RaspberryJam4 Your solicitor friend is partly incorrect. What you are experiencing is abuse. Therefore ANY and every court in the land will thoroughly support you getting yourself and your child OUT of that environment

Does you DH work, can you quickly pack and arrange a man with a van, just throw everything into bags last minute? If worried about anything can your brothers drive a van?

Get out before they take your child.
And they will do this. Stop imagining they will start liking you and your weak twat of an EX will change. He won’t, you will lose everything.
If the house is in his name, he only has to change the locks and your fucked as you have no rights over anything because your not married and it’s not your house.

A relation went through something similar re moving a distance. The EXW wanted to move away and it was allowed by court because she had a job. She moved and then promptly gave up the job. Could you find a job even if you just do it for 6 months to reinforce your move from a legal position? The abuse is so insidious it would be hard to prove. But this is just anecdotal you need proper legal advice.

Op you need advice from a solicitor who is trained to deal with abusive relationships. Not all solicitors are

Hope you're well OP

Thanks. Good advice, I need a solicitor who knows about this kind of thing.

It was an odd weekend. I said that I wanted to have the weekend with my son to do stuff, and it ended up that I just took him DS out for the day. DP suggested that his grandson might meet up with him but I said no. I know that is never as simple as it sounds, his DD works at weekends and constantly puts pressure on for childminding. Anyway I ended up having to tell DP why I didn’t want this, why I just wanted to have the weekend without any IL involvement. I was doing this by text while I was out.

I know this was risky, to be so plain. DP got so cross he said that he had trouble breathing. I told him there’s a real problem there, if he’s triggered to become so angry/ emotional about what should be a perfectly reasonable refusal on my part. He apologised but couldn’t understand.

I hope I’ve not made myself too open and therefore too vulnerable. I ended up explaining that I felt ILs were bullies, that they dominated us and our DS and that he was complicit by taking DS around there. I said this was not healthy for DS. He reacted defensively at first but I just kept repeating that this was not good for our son. That I was his parent and I needed to be supported to parent him.

Yesterday he came in and said he was so, so sorry. That I was right he never listened to me, that his family were being bullies, and that I was a good woman and a good mum. I did say that I thought he was under a lot of pressure from his family. However I said this constant conflict towards me and now increasing pressure to have time with my son was always going to be divisive and unlikely to change.

I’m not swayed off course and DP has been so on and off in the past I doubt even if he genuinely sees the light that he’s strong enough to not be influenced by them again in the future. Also, I do think he’s set this up too by not valuing me in the first place. I’m still not in his will or on the mortgage. That’s not good.

However at the moment there is no pressure to see his family and DS stays firmly with me.

I know I need to pursue my exit and as soon as possible.

1. I'm a solicitor and I don't know shit about the law.

1. sounds like you asserted yourself. well done. equally it sounds like you can't trust DP.

....of families that is!!!! oops.

Op good on you for standing up to him.

I want you to you to imagine this scenario. If he changes then locks and keeps your son you will be the one fighting for access to your son.

There's no telling what he is capable of.
Please don't be swayed by his pathetic apologies. Too little too late.

You need to leave soon. As soon as possible. I know it's not easy.

Thinking of you.

He's apologizing and trying to keep you sweet.
Get the hell out woman, you need to gather your paperwork and stuff it in the bottom of a big bag, leave with the clothes on your back if you have too, go once he leaves for work, under the guise of heading to the zoo/park/ anywhere for a picnic and will be back for tea.

He may have reconciled with you just until your son starts school and then once he is "settled" from a courts pov then split with you again and he will have all the cards. What age is your DS?

I would move immediately - you can say it's a trial separation and ask him to join you if he's still keen on maintaining the relationship

What was your relationship like before you moved?

I like the idea of a trial separation. I need to be in my own house even if it’s rented near my own friends and family and far from ILs.

I think this would give me an easier way out, DP is very stressed in general work etc and he seems to want everything set in stone if we separate now and not be willing to accept me moving without spilling his feelings to ILs and this will escalate.

A trial separation will mean that I can leave without taking off while he is at work. I do fear the ILs would then feel justified in taking war like action. Whereas they could not protest at this. And then I’ll be out and able to safeguard my DS from their dislike and dominance.

@bluefargo my relationship was really good before we moved. He was open, kind and very caring.

It was his DD who first started to dislike me, she’s very volatile and angry about being a single mum and wanted a relationship with me where I took care of her child a lot. I backed off, and refused to childmind, having enough on my plate with my DS. Her values are very different.

When she visited she’d sit down and not once get up to supervise her toddler and would bitch about everything and everyone. I would end up running around after her and my son and hearing stuff I didn’t like. Anyway she noticed I gradually wasn’t as available and has bitched about me ever since, hence why Ex her mother is also involved.

I never once complained about his DD, she’s an adult, DP loves her, fair enough. But the impression that I was ‘stuck up’ or ‘judgemental’ or ‘controlling’ seemed to stick with the ILs ever since and filtered through DP.

My goodness this is all so depressing. Run for the hills! I really want to!

Bloody hell! I’ve just caught up with the thread.

raspberry is actually be really worried if I was you, about your ‘d’h more than any one else.

He couldn’t breath because you were going against the grain???

Your nothing more than breeding stock love and I’d put money on it that’s it’s his fault his family have turned on you.

You better get a good plan about getting away from him and stop showing him that your ready to leave. I think your going to have a big fight on your hands here unfortunately

His change of attitude is straight out of the abusers hand book.
He realises he has gone to far, he apologises, promises to change,
bla bla bla. He will eventually fight you for your DC, with his whole family egging him on.
Get out . if you have a trial separation, he will have time to stop you going home to your family. Who says he isn't already taking steps to stop you from moving far ?

The trial separation would be to move back to my family. I have to get out of this area.

Once DS is settled then I would make it permanent. I guess I’m looking for a way to move without running when he’s at work (and therefore war) or having a huge battle being upfront and quite possibly losing.

I’m not sure there is a clean upfront way and I may be fooling myself. But I’d like to the trial separation idea, where I’d move home in next two weeks, but with DP knowing and accepting this.

I think your being a fool. Your laying your cards on the table and giving him time to plan his next step.
Hope it works out for you but it sounds like you still believe your in a relationship and hoping it will work out. It won’t.

OP, I have to ask a blunt question.. do you feel that you are being abused, or not?
If no - then fair enough - try to agree terms and conditions of a temporary separation as you are considering.
If yes - then you are right, you are fooling yourself. Don't be surprised if your request for a trial separation means that he agrees for you to go to your mums and stay there for a trial separation, but your son stays with him. Don't put yourself in a position where he is trying to force you to "get the F out, but (child's name) is going nowhere.
It sucks to behave in a way that you wouldn't choose to. It feels disloyal and wrong to sneak away. But there probably is no other way.

He won't agree to a trial separation out of the county. EVER