AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!

[RaspberryJam4]

I feel very hemmed in, isolated and not in a good place.

I have lived with my partner for 7 years in his house (my name is not on the mortgage, more fool me). I’ve had a difficult relationship, where he has flipped a lot from wanting to end the relationship to wanting to stay. We have a 4 year old son together.

I moved over 200 miles to move in with him. His family are driving me crazy! He has two daughters, mother, sister and Ex all living 5 mins away and except for youngest DSD they all dislike me, bitch about me to DP but every weekend my DP takes our son each day to theirs and they fawn over him. He has a grandson of a similar age and they play together a lot too. I’m so sick of it, I feel totally written off and invisible. I don’t have friends near so I’m left alone. When I do go and see friends for the weekend and leave my son with DP, they’ve practically moved in whilst I’m away.

This did not happen overnight. I thought they were all nice but very critical of me, I just thought it was a cultural difference, it’s very rural, close knit, insular here and I come from city life and worked etc. Recently my DP ended the relationship out of the blue, again, and lived with his sister for 4 months. That upped the animosity towards me massively. SIL, even a year later, is vociferous about me as well as eldest DSD, MIL, and Ex. She is most angry that DP moved out of ‘his house’ and although I gave up full time well paid work to look after DS, did not ask DP to move out, and did not initiate the break up they have all refused to have anything to do with me for over a year now.

I can’t stand living here anymore. I feel like they are very keen to have a lot to do with my son and this makes me feel very anxious, it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out. I’ve explained to DP who has lived back with me and wants to now be with me, and he’s had a word with his mum but says they are ‘just sticking up for him, and just love our son’ and what’s my problem really. They actually glare at me in the street.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me. I’m not so invested in my relationship as it’s so rocky on his part. I’ve nothing financially but I’m quite resourceful. AIBU?

raspberry I think you are minimising and thinking of everyone else rather than yourself and your ds.

It is going to be all out war what ever you do.

Going for a trial separation just means you will be allowing your oh and the in-laws to dictate the terms of the separation.

Do you actually believe you will be able to get away and take ds with you.

I think you are being very naive.

They may allow you to move but there is no way that they will allow ds to be removed from their clutches and regardless of how your oh acts when it comes to his family they are singing from the same hymn sheet

OP in the nicest possible way - WTF ARE YOU DOING!?!

Get out!

It’s not disloyal to run without his knowledge - and even if it is how loyal has he been to you slagging you off to his whole family and letting them treat you like this?!
You’re giving him respect he does not deserve!

I’ve a feeling we’re going to get a thread from you in a few months asking for advice on how to get your son back
You just don’t want to leave do you?

This is so so sad

Yes quite possibly you are all right. I know that ILs will be vociferous in their feelings and DP is someone I lack trust in.

The only thing that may help is that I am fairly sure they will not go for full custody of DS. There is no one to look after him in the week, I do everything and DP works very long hours. They are quite happy not to do the hard work, the weekend afternoon nice times and putting me down are what they seem to want.

What I’m really worried about is that they have a huge investment in making me stay in the area. So that it continues that I do the schooling but I have no other people around and they get DS EOW or more and make sure financially I’m struggling. My mental health will go downhill and I’ll be trapped even if I’m out of the relationship.

There is no clean way, believe me it’s easier to go when they are not there.

If you ask for a trial separation your just showing him your cards - or are you hoping he will beg or see the error of his ways.

This really is not a inlaw issue. It’s your partner. He is starting a slow process of alienation between you and your son involving his family. Tbh I’d be really surprised if you even said you were taking him on holiday He would actually let you go.

Your partner will be required to contribute financially.

You have friends and family you can be near for support, and your health and safety will be much better.

Please just go. There will never be a day your DP "lets" you go, you have to simply take the opportunity when it arises. He works long hours? Go when he's at work!

Just go.

So why don’t you go if you know what they are going to do?

OP, please listen to people who have been there in your position and who are trying to help and protect you. You are doing the exact opposite and putting yourself in ever bigger danger. Don’t be naïve or assume you somehow know better and ignore all the glaring danger signs! You need to grow a bit of a backbone and protect yourself and your DC. Do not assume that your OH is actually a partner that respects or values you. He has shown you non-stop that he has no respect for you and yet you are literally confiding in him, instead of protecting yourself and your kid. Please for your sake, be a bit smarter and keep things closer to your chest.

Your DP will have to contribute financially. The CSA (or whatever they’re called now) are pretty rigorous, at least with everyone I’ve spoken to who has been in that position.

Your last post says you don’t even trust him. What even is your life if you’re living like this? It’s inhumane.

The only thing that may help is that I am fairly sure they will not go for full custody of DS

So only fairly sure. Friend who left it too late to move because of her life changing injuries, when she started divorce proceedings last year her Stbexh went for full custody of her adult children.

You don't know what they are capable of and if they (your partner and his family) thought they were going to lose your ds.

What I’m really worried about is that they have a huge investment in making me stay in the area. So that it continues that I do the schooling but I have no other people around and they get DS EOW or more and make sure financially I’m struggling. My mental health will go downhill and I’ll be trapped even if I’m out of the relation

So if you can see the future why the fuck all the fannying around.

It's as if you and your ds are in a house.
People on the street are shouting FIRE FIRE GET OUT! GET OUT!
And you're saying "I can see the fire but I am fairly sure it won't hurt me.

Pack ds a suitcase. Take a taxi to a station. Rescue yourself and ds.

He can feel you pulling away, he has already apologised, he is going to play nicely it now. He is going to wind you back in & you will defer leaving. slowly he is alienating you, you have no family or friends to support you, you have no income, no name on a mortgage & spend a good part of the w/es alone. It is emotional abuse from him, with or without his manipulative family.
In your initial post you wrote " it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out.". You can see what is happening.
I can understand it's hard to admit, you hope it will calm down, meanwhile what are they putting into your DC's head every w/e ???
Get out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) Go & build yourself a happy, healthy life, as far from them as you can.

Op please get out in the next few days. Tomorrow if he's at work. There's no reasoning with unreasonable people like your partner. You're scared how you will cope. Whatever happens at least you will have your son.
I can understand that you might feel paralysed with fear. But this is one of those times when you need to act first and think later. Go to your family and notify the police that you left your abusive ex and his abusive family.

Op everybody who has commented on your thread feels alarm on your behalf because we can see the danger you're in.

What would you say to a friend if this was happening to them? You have to go now!! Why are you delaying? GO! You have 100s of women telling you to go without telling your abusive partner and you won’t. How bad does it have to get?

OP, he's on to you.... don't talk about the situation to him any more, he'll say any old shit to Hoover you back. He may be making his own plans...

If you don't escape, you're you're going to lose your child.

OP, what needs to be said or to happen for you to act? You’ve given your H insight into your concerns. He will continue with his agenda but use another approach. If you are lucky, he will think what you told him is all there is to it. But the man is cunning. He has been putting his plan in motion for a while and your recent admission won’t deter him. I’d even guess he will punish you for making it harder for him to complete his plans. The sheer anger he admitted to when you gently put your foot down is a small show of just how much rage he has and it’s aimed at you. Be brave and take the leap. For you and your son. Please.

Blooming heck.I'd make sure I didn't stand at the top of the stairs if DP or the ILs were behind me!!!!
Get out with sensible new accommodation, don't make it look like you have nowhere to take DS. Or are sleeping on someone's floor so that they can come back and claim you are a bad mother. Get away and get DS settled. That's the first thing imv.

Blooming heck.I'd make sure I didn't stand at the top of the stairs if DP or the ILs were behind me

I said this from my first post on here.

Friend went through something similar. Whilst she was trying to work out what was going on there was an "accident".

Friend could not leave. She was so badly disabled she was at her dh's mercy.

Do not leave it before it is too late.

Friend would have never believed anyone if they had told her how her life would turn out.

If she had left when she first started thinking things weren't right instead of staying and putting herself in danger she would have had a life very very different to the one she has.

Although it was an accident she can never be too sure
Even when she is divorced she will still be disabled.

Please OP RUN whilst you still can

@olivers that is truly shocking, I’m so sorry for your friend. I know I have to do something and soon. I’m making a plan with my family to leave before schooling starts and checking with another solicitor this week. DP does not know any of this.

Totally get that this is a massive step but just don’t really understand why you keep needing to consult solicitors. Your son starts school in September - just how late are you planning to leave it to move and settle him in to a new home without Dad and pick a school? You sound as if you want all the i’s dotted but breaking up - even in reasonable circumstances - isn’t like that except in the movies. You are in danger please act very soon

OP, what are you hoping to hear from a solicitor?

If you think that is truly shocking why are you waiting.

The things you are saying are identical to what she said.

She has had years to reflect and play back everything in the run up and wishes she had left even the day before.. Nothing was stopping her

You don’t need to say anything about a trial separation.

One possible course of action could be to leave when your partner goes to work, and go straight to your mum’s. Once you’re there, tell him that something cropped up that your mum needed urgent help with so you’ve moved the visit dates around. You won’t want him to get the police involved in looking for you, so you’ll have to say something. Once you’re there, you can contact the Local authority about a school place and get your son enrolled somewhere. I would tell them that you are escaping an abusive relationship. Don’t contact the new LA before you are safely out, in case they phone or send forms out.

OP, have you at least secured your important documents? Taken copies of his wage slips? You could parcel some things up and post them to your mum's, so you've got some things there?

OP I'm genuinely worried for you :( I wish you could listen and get out.

As some background to my posts, I am very much FOG, keep the family together etc. etc.

It is very very clear even to me that you need to move, he is setting up distance between you as well, he is very much trying to undermine you and at some point I suspect will -when he is ready- pull the proverbial rug out from under your feet.

You need to get your ducks in a row, get the paperwork and when he isn't there run as fast as you can as quickly and as quietly as you can.