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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!

202 replies

RaspberryJam4 · 17/07/2018 17:03

I feel very hemmed in, isolated and not in a good place.

I have lived with my partner for 7 years in his house (my name is not on the mortgage, more fool me). I’ve had a difficult relationship, where he has flipped a lot from wanting to end the relationship to wanting to stay. We have a 4 year old son together.

I moved over 200 miles to move in with him. His family are driving me crazy! He has two daughters, mother, sister and Ex all living 5 mins away and except for youngest DSD they all dislike me, bitch about me to DP but every weekend my DP takes our son each day to theirs and they fawn over him. He has a grandson of a similar age and they play together a lot too. I’m so sick of it, I feel totally written off and invisible. I don’t have friends near so I’m left alone. When I do go and see friends for the weekend and leave my son with DP, they’ve practically moved in whilst I’m away.

This did not happen overnight. I thought they were all nice but very critical of me, I just thought it was a cultural difference, it’s very rural, close knit, insular here and I come from city life and worked etc. Recently my DP ended the relationship out of the blue, again, and lived with his sister for 4 months. That upped the animosity towards me massively. SIL, even a year later, is vociferous about me as well as eldest DSD, MIL, and Ex. She is most angry that DP moved out of ‘his house’ and although I gave up full time well paid work to look after DS, did not ask DP to move out, and did not initiate the break up they have all refused to have anything to do with me for over a year now.

I can’t stand living here anymore. I feel like they are very keen to have a lot to do with my son and this makes me feel very anxious, it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out. I’ve explained to DP who has lived back with me and wants to now be with me, and he’s had a word with his mum but says they are ‘just sticking up for him, and just love our son’ and what’s my problem really. They actually glare at me in the street.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me. I’m not so invested in my relationship as it’s so rocky on his part. I’ve nothing financially but I’m quite resourceful. AIBU?

OP posts:
CeeMe32 · 18/07/2018 23:18

OP we can all give you advice on how to leave until we are blue in the face but i have a horrible feeling your not going to listen.

You might think DP will change but he wont. You might think he’ll stand up for you and put you first if you leave but HE WONT.

If you hang about and try to make things work you will lose your DS and possibly your current home. Whats to stop DP throwing you out and keeping DS?? Nothing. By which point you will have nothing and nowhere to stay close to fight this. Please dont be one of those posters we read about on hear begging for help on how to get access to their DC.

Rainbunny · 18/07/2018 23:37

OP please please get your things organized, reach out to your family and make a plan to leave. Your situation is awful and will only get worse - never better. I'm using very strong language here but I truly sense this. I also think you would be smart to leave quietly and explain your reasons afterwards when you are surrounded by supportive family instead of alone and ganged up upon.

I would worry that if he is beginning to realise that you leaving him is becoming a reality he may well stop being extra nice to you and start taking action to stop you taking your ds with you. I'm not sure what he could do but I would worry about that.

Doingreat · 19/07/2018 13:03

How are you OP?

Freyanna · 19/07/2018 14:22

You are being severely emotionally abused by the whole family.

if you don't leave I am worried you could end up with depression (sounds like you are headed that way already) and be so downtrodden you will feel unable to leave.

You have family and friends support, please go.

Original poster
RaspberryJam4 · 19/07/2018 23:52

Thank you everyone. I am listening. I’m gathering my thoughts.

I’ve contacted a friend nearby who is going through a divorce and had a talk with her. Unfortunately she was a little ‘well of course his family are going to stand by him’, but I think this isn’t an excuse for them. Also although there isn’t direct abuse of me, nasty texts or anything, the insidious and backhanded nature of this makes me more anxious. I’ve no idea about their discussions, only that the ill feeling and ignoring of me has not abated for over a year now.

I do need a plan. I still feel anxious about leaving without his knowledge, I can’t square this with my conscience. Not yet. But I feel worried enough now to be very careful not to make DP aware of any more of my plans. And I have a bag packed with some things just in case. I will run through a plan in my head of how I could just leave quickly so I’m mentally prepared. Solicitor next. I’ll talk to some of my older friends too, run this past them.

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 20/07/2018 01:51

bloody hell woman, get a fucken clue
if you tell him you are going and taking his son he and his family will stop you and take your son and then you will have to fight for visitation
just go on "holiday" and dont return
you can tell him once you have seen a lawyer and got things sorted
they are already making moves, open your eyes!
they are easing you out and making their own case against you already, you are behind the game! GET MOVING!!

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/07/2018 05:50

Can I ask what you hope to get from a solicitor. You are not married and your name isn't on the deeds or mortgage.so extricating yourself legally doesn't apply. You are a free agent and the primary carer for your ds so no real reason to stay any longer

Loopytiles · 20/07/2018 08:08

The main legal issue is residency for DS and where OP and DS live. Her DP could seek to prevent her moving to her family, or (if she goes without his knowledge) make her move back.

bluetrampolines · 20/07/2018 08:11

Yes what doucherama said.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/07/2018 08:37

The main legal issue is residency for DS and where OP and DS live. Her DP could seek to prevent her moving to her family, or (if she goes without his knowledge) make her move back

All the more reason to go now and get him into a school rather than stay and be prevented from leaving.

speakingwoman · 20/07/2018 08:40

I think you do need to see a solicitor about preserving the position with your child.

Also, I think it will help this seem more real to you.

Do start contacting schools. Your son is already 4.....

MachineBee · 20/07/2018 08:47

Be careful with your packed bag. Hide in plain sight or very well hidden. The loft can be a great hide-in-plain-sight place if you have one.

Mix56 · 20/07/2018 10:12

Do not announce you are leaving/thinking of leaving. He can make moves to prevent you returning to your home area.
Go on holiday, then don't return.
Please be careful that you have changed your passwords on phone & computer. No joint clouds.
He must NOT GET ALERTED to you departure.

CoraPirbright · 20/07/2018 11:04

How far away are your family? When are you going to try to organise schools? Your DS is already 4 and depending on where you are moving back to, you may already be seriously too late. You only have to read the threads on here which literally hum with anxiety about getting places at schools. Many are oversubscribed. Just make that one call to the LEA - it might make you feel able to start making proper plans.

Original poster
RaspberryJam4 · 20/07/2018 12:24

I’m silently panicking now. I need to keep calm.

OP posts:
speakingwoman · 20/07/2018 14:19

you might have some panicky moments but I think you will if you stay as well. you'll get past it.

NWQM · 20/07/2018 17:51

Planning is good. Over thinking isn’t. It’s a really, really big step but just try and take one step. Make sure you have cash, any valuables (monetary or sentimental) either with you or in a safe place. Make sure you have access to photo’s etc & important documents if electronic. If you have a separate bank account but he knows password change it. Ditto other important. Go to your friends, parents / family or women’s aid for a break. If it feels right stay. Things have to change. You can not live unsupported, insecure and bullied. You are unique and special. As is your child. Stay safe and try taking the next step when you are ready but remember there is never a perfect time and school place is key and pressing.

Inkanta · 20/07/2018 18:32

Rasberry Hang in there. Flowers

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/07/2018 00:04

Sometimes even the biggest steps just have to be taken as a leap of faith. You can prepare and arrange and think about but in the end you just have to jump

Doingreat · 21/07/2018 20:08

Keep posting OP. We're willing you on. You and your child deserve to be free of this man and his nasty family. They're just nasty OP. They're horrible people. And no you DON'T owe him an explanation for leaving or a heads up. He's not your friend. Keep repeating to yourself. "He's not my friend. He doesn't care one bit about me. His family want to separate me from my child. How dare they!!".

There are relaxation exercises you can do on YouTube to help keep you calm when you feel panicky.

Don't ever be afraid of calling the police. They will help you even if he hasn't been violent. Because this is abuse and the police are trained to deal with situations like this. They've seen this sort of thing many times before. They will believe you.

sirlee66 · 21/07/2018 20:24

You're so unbelievably brave, OP and have come such a long way since the beginning of this thread. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. Keep calm and think, this time next year, your life , and DS's will be a billion times better!

Tistheseason17 · 21/07/2018 20:39

Stay strong.

Do NOT give advance warning of your plans - he will def take DS away to SIL.

Original poster
RaspberryJam4 · 21/07/2018 21:07

Thank you all. I feel more in control and a bit relieved that I can see that my future doesn’t have to be like this. I don’t have to put up with it.

I phoned my relation who is a solicitor. She isn’t a specialist in family law but she did say I was in a tricky position about moving. It’s far enough away to my families to be something the courts might not like if I did without his knowledge. She said it can really depend on the situation however, and I should talk it through further with someone with more knowledge. In one sense I have a strong position as I am the clear main carer and know his specialist needs better than anyone.

OP posts:
Grimbles · 21/07/2018 21:19

I think your relation is talking out of her backside tbh. You absolutely CAN leave and take your son with you.

CookieDoughKid · 21/07/2018 21:28

It takes a good while to get to court to apply and get approval in place for residency. Plus it costs a lot too. It's not a quick thing. And you are not married, I think you can prove financial abuse as you weren't put on any same financial security like will or mortgage. I'd move NOW, sooner you get settled MUCH much harder to force you to move back especially when you can prove your home environment is happier stable and you are settled in new school or nursery. I'd move as quickly as possible.