AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!

[RaspberryJam4]

I feel very hemmed in, isolated and not in a good place.

I have lived with my partner for 7 years in his house (my name is not on the mortgage, more fool me). I’ve had a difficult relationship, where he has flipped a lot from wanting to end the relationship to wanting to stay. We have a 4 year old son together.

I moved over 200 miles to move in with him. His family are driving me crazy! He has two daughters, mother, sister and Ex all living 5 mins away and except for youngest DSD they all dislike me, bitch about me to DP but every weekend my DP takes our son each day to theirs and they fawn over him. He has a grandson of a similar age and they play together a lot too. I’m so sick of it, I feel totally written off and invisible. I don’t have friends near so I’m left alone. When I do go and see friends for the weekend and leave my son with DP, they’ve practically moved in whilst I’m away.

This did not happen overnight. I thought they were all nice but very critical of me, I just thought it was a cultural difference, it’s very rural, close knit, insular here and I come from city life and worked etc. Recently my DP ended the relationship out of the blue, again, and lived with his sister for 4 months. That upped the animosity towards me massively. SIL, even a year later, is vociferous about me as well as eldest DSD, MIL, and Ex. She is most angry that DP moved out of ‘his house’ and although I gave up full time well paid work to look after DS, did not ask DP to move out, and did not initiate the break up they have all refused to have anything to do with me for over a year now.

I can’t stand living here anymore. I feel like they are very keen to have a lot to do with my son and this makes me feel very anxious, it’s almost like they are dominating him and pushing me out. I’ve explained to DP who has lived back with me and wants to now be with me, and he’s had a word with his mum but says they are ‘just sticking up for him, and just love our son’ and what’s my problem really. They actually glare at me in the street.

I have a big urge to move back closer to people who care about me. I’m not so invested in my relationship as it’s so rocky on his part. I’ve nothing financially but I’m quite resourceful. AIBU?

Yes the moving out does worry me. He keeps saying that neither of us can move out until we’ve both decided how. He said that we needed to get it all written out. I read this as him feeling like I might try to make a claim on the house or move to my families. I said that I’m the main carer, surely I can just move out? I don’t have to get his agreement. He said well he couldn’t just move out with the kids, so neither could I. I need some legal advice perhaps.

Good. Make sure you take important documents before you go and then just dont go back.

Until then, your DP can go visit his family but you want to spend the weekend with your son.

Also, why is ex so involved? Nothing to do with her.

Yes the moving out does worry me. He keeps saying that neither of us can move out until we’ve both decided how. He said that we needed to get it all written out. I read this as him feeling like I might try to make a claim on the house or move to my families. I said that I’m the main carer, surely I can just move out? I don’t have to get his agreement. He said well he couldn’t just move out with the kids, so neither could I. I need some legal advice perhaps.

Just pack your stuff and go, he can't stop you, just make sure he's not there to make it easier and go somewhere safe, like good friends or family

Stop being a mug, and being messed about by this man. End the relationship once and for all, and move back near your family. He does not appear to have your back, and it is only going to get worse.

He sounds awfully controlling, no you don't have to have his agreement, just move.

He isnt your keeper. You dont need his permisson to leave.

Your relationship wont get any better. Your IL's wont start liking you.

Go before the damage is done to your son.

I'd say you have excellent grounds for moving out - you're under coercive control, he's allowing his family to badmouth you around your son and he thinks nothing of moving out, cheating on you and expecting you to stay where it's convenient to him.

What happens when he doesn't need you around anymore because his family have taken over your role and you've nothing left to give due to their abuse?

He knows he doesn’t have to have your agreement. More gaslighting. I have heard people have been prevented from taking their children to another part of the country. Idk how this works. What you really need to do is pursue the abuse angle as soon as possible before he realises what’s happening. Can you remain focused until you go away, hopefully most of it’s in the loft of under the bed.

It sounds like they're pushing you out so go, with your girls though! Enjoy your life with people who love you and they can make the effort now - horrible individuals that they are!

Pack a bag with all the important documents, phone a family member or friend to come pick u up. Even on the pretense it's a couple of days away/overnight thing. Take your child and go. Your name is not on the house and anything else can be sorted after.
My heckles are up just reading this, I think they are angling to get you out of the picture all together. U have no family/friends around. You abandon the child every chance you get and dad has a stable and supportive family around who adore the child.... I would be very very worried.

Start getting you finances in order now. If you have shared money Start to discretely move it into your account. Get your paperwork in order - bank details, passports etc.

He knows once your son is at school you will find it hard to move away. Look for schools in your home area now. You don’t need permission from him to leave - in the same way that he doesn’t so you need to be very careful. Log out of mumsnet when you’ve finished, clear search histories and delete or password protect messages with family.

Op women move out all the bloody time! Don't talk to him about this just do it.

You don't want the enemy to know what your up too. Do you have somewhere to go?

what an awful situation but doesnt it concern anyone that if they seperate and she leaves he will be granted time with his son? and take the son to the nasty relatives? how can she stop this ?

I have copies of important documents and DSs birth certificate. I only have one shared card to his account and I don’t have access to the statements. I had a plan last month to start moving some money each month to save up into my own account. I have no income at present as I’m far from my own work opportunities. I have all the passports etc.

My head is still spinning a bit. I don’t think I’m able to just leave for my family without thinking further. A flat nearby yes, but I don’t want to do that. He’d then have the big nice house and family support and I’d have no control about him wanting every weekend for example.

I need to move away enough to be near people who care about me and not be so pushed out with my own child. I’ll try to find a way to get legal advice. I know he won’t move out now as SIL and DP are adamant that this is his home.

Some very good advice. I’m sorry to tread carefully, a big part of me wants to run. Another wants to avoid inflaming relationship with DP as DSs father by moving a long way without informing him.

@mrsaidan this greatly concerns me. I feel they escalated their animosity when DP left to live at SILs. If I leave they will escalate their hatred and this DP may well not even stop them. I may well be fooling myself but surely DP must start to see this is? If he doesn’t, I don’t think that I have any control over this.

Get your legal advice once you are out and in a safe place OP

YOu act as if they don't hate you already...

Get the hell out. Ask questions later. You only get one chance to do this properly and after that he will be onto you, so you need to get it right.

I think the August dates are a good fake. You should move at least two weeks before then when he won’t be expecting anything. You can’t fix this, you can only sneak out with your ds before you lose him. Call your favourite brother and a good friend or two and talk it through with them.

Dont rely on him seeing it. It's been years and people dont magically change.

Your DP and his family may love your son, but it's purely selfish reasons. You cant truly love someone and be so despicable to one of the people closest to them.

They hate you, so why care about them hating you more?

Time to worry about you and your DS as no one else seems to.

if you say friends are fed up of you moaning but never acting surely some will be able and delighted to help you.

Agree the dates are good, move before then your very lucky if you can move in with your mum. Be prepared for fall out - tell all your friends and family exactly what has been going on so they know the full story if - when he kicks up a stink, hold tight then get legal help.

You cant truly love someone and be so despicable to one of the people closest to them

This is what I can never understand when in laws treat their childs partner - wife etc soo very baldy

Do you live in Royston Vasey? Glad you're going in August, I bet you'll find it much easier to clear your head when you're away from these inbred cunts.

Yes it is a bit like Royston Vasey! I thought other people were being unfair when they joked about how insular it is. They were not wrong. And DP came across as being so open minded. I’m still shocked I’ve never been so disliked in all my life! They were fine at first, pretty distant but fine. However every one of them has just let loose on me as soon as a small issue or reason came up and they’ve held onto it.

You don't need his permission to leave.

You don't have to have anything written to leave.

A solicitor will be able to tell you whether you have a claim on the house (which sounds unlikelyTBH) but don't sign or write anything unless it's via a solicitor.

Packing up for a long stay in August and then never coming back is probably the safest way to do it. If he gets wind of you squirreling away passports/ birth certificates, tell him that your mother is planning to open a bank account for DS but the bank needs to see the documents.

In terms of accessing cash, one suggestion often made in situations like this is to get cashback from supermarkets when doing the shopping, then destroy the receipt- it shows up as one transaction on statements, so he won't question you getting cash out.

What a lot of nasty bullies. There isn't a way you can go home (or do anything) without attracting criticism. Don't wait for approval. You won't get it.

You need to go OP and without telling DP. Tell him your going for a visit and take DS with you. If you dont you will lose him, DP aill probably leave you again and Ilaws will help him get custody.

You are not in a safe position here to fight. Go and live with your mum for a bit.