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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

218 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:15

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening Hmm. Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

OP posts:
Downtheroadfirstonleft · 19/07/2018 11:41

Op YANBU. In fact I think you are being completely and utterly reasonable!

Even v welcome would be visitors, should make arrangements in advance, so you can ensure you don't miss them.

sonjadog · 19/07/2018 11:41

I dont know why you are getting so worked up about it. They've visited twice in ten years. It'll most likely be years until next time. Really, it´s not worth worrying about.

SalemBlackCat · 19/07/2018 12:04

@SunShades Yes, bent over backwards to be in contact with them when they visited 2 times in 10 years. So what does them bending over backwards have to do with them travelling 2 hours without even checking? Is your post even serious?

gamerwidow · 19/07/2018 12:18

This issue always divides opinion. Personally I’m with OP my house is my sanctuary and you can come only when invited. I hate people just turning up it’s so intrusive. Sometimes you’re just not in the mood to entertain.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 19/07/2018 13:34

For those saying they don’t see the issue, given this would only have been the third visit in 10 years - I see your point, and ordinarily I would agree with you. However I was concerned as I knew they would make it an issue, which indeed they are doing - I’ve had a text conversation with MIL now, along the lines of ‘we were the only family not to know you were away’, ‘would be lovely to speak to you more often’, etc etc guilt guilt Angry I’ve been very breezy in my responses - sorry we missed you, would of course be lovely to see you any time, will ring when we’re back from hols - but it’s really pissed me off, as we’re the ones doing all the work to ring and see them and yet they seem to think they’re the wronged party!

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 19/07/2018 13:36

And yes @SunShades - bent over backwards by ALWAYS being the ones to ring and visit them when they literally do nothing in return.

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/07/2018 13:38

Today I had to get a tube to pay cheques into the bank. Tomorrow I have my family coach and psychotherapist visiting. The first there'd have been nobody in, the second would be extremely embarrassing. Just ring and ask if I'm free. Is that so inconvenient? Confused

Lonesurvivor · 19/07/2018 13:54

Sounds like they could've been setting you up for a fall an you would always have came out of this painted as the bad guys.

If you were in and unprepared for their visit you wouldnt be able to welcome them in the same way you do for other family when they visit. They would be able to leave and report back/confirm to each other that you hadn't gone to any extra effort for their visit and you really aren't fussed about them visiting.
By not been at home and away on holidays they can still blame you both. If you cared enough about them you'd involve them in your lives and have told them you're going on holidays. It's your fault they went out of their way and drove a four hour round trip to no avail.

They want a fallout and have created a situation to paint you as the bad guys, prove to themselves they do make an effort sometimes but that it's not worth doing so because ye do not appreciate it.
They can now go back to making zero effort with the warped reasoning that when they do ye are too difficult to suit.

FrozenMargarita17 · 19/07/2018 13:56

To be honest if someone was travelling two hours to pop in, surely you'd WANT to call ahead to make sure they were in?

I have no problem with people popping in but I like to know even five minutes before because I'm mostly about the house with no bra on and dds toys are usually all over the place!

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 19/07/2018 14:04

Argh and she’s said that I don’t ring enough - not DH, as he’s the one who rings every few weeks, but specifically that she doesn’t speak to me enough. Resisting the urge to scream 😬 Is everyone else ringing their MIL regularly, is it just me?!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 19/07/2018 14:05

@Lonesurvivor I feel like that’s exactly it - they’ve done their bit, and they can mark it down as our fault that we weren’t in.

OP posts:
TorviBrightspear · 19/07/2018 16:30

I'd phone my late mil very occasionally for something specific, but she mostly called ex.

Dafspunk · 19/07/2018 16:33

If you’re this worked up about not having had to entertain them, I can’t imagine how you’d be if you had been in.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 19/07/2018 17:27

@Dafspunk pretty mad, but I’d have grinned and bore it like I did last time they turned up unannounced!

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 19/07/2018 17:30

Stop reading her messages. She is being a goady fucker. She is looking for a fight or to give you a good kicking. Walk away. Do not engage. Leave all comms to DH.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/07/2018 18:11

How can OP and her DH possibly be hospitable if they weren't there? She didn't say "they turned up without asking so we sent them away without any tea". She didn't know they had come over until they got snippy about it.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/07/2018 18:23

Argh, missed a pageful of posts somehow!

I adore DIL, but I can count on the fingers of one hand how often we've spoken to each other on the phone, and that's only been because I tend to ring the landline rather than DS's mobile on the rare occasions DS doesn't call me first. She manages her side of the family and DS manages his, so no, I don't think she's ever called me directly. We get on fine when I go round (by invitation only!).

I wouldn't dare turn up without warning because they might be entertaining DS's dad #shudder#

likeacrow · 19/07/2018 18:26

Could not be arsed RTFT but imo YANBU. (Wow, lot of acronyms there...) I hate people turning up unannounced and wouldn't do it to someone else. It puts an akward pressure on to invite the visitors in and you could be in the middle of anything (a massive argument, sex, whatever). It's not cool.

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