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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

218 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:15

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening Hmm. Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 13:43

@5foot5 honestly not sure why it wasn’t mentioned, although we’re not on an ‘exciting’ holiday, just visiting my parents (whom ILs don’t have any relationship with), and they have ‘mentioned’ before that we go to visit my parents a lot (we don’t), so that may be why DH didn’t say anything. Honestly, they have always had an open invitation, as have all our family and friends, and we have people to stay regularly, so it’s not that they don’t feel welcome. When we see them we get on well to all intents and purposes, so they would have no reason to feel unwelcome.

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 17/07/2018 14:00

Why are posters on here being so obnoxious to the OP? She said in her very first post that they don't have the easiest of relationships with the PIL. And in the second post she says "We are not particularly close to them, so we don’t have the kind of relationship where it might have been ok." and "the only contact is when DH calls them every few weeks".

Do people not comprehend at all? Do they even read posts or do they read and it go through one ear (eye?) and out the other? How is the OP the bad guy here? It seems her PIL are quite difficult to get along with and manipulative (guilt trips). Not all PIL are wonderful people, you know!

ElementalHalfLife · 17/07/2018 14:03

Open invitation? But only if they call ahead? Bit like my local hairdresser having a sign saying 'walk ins welcome' then when you do walk in saying stroppily 'appointment only'.
Yeah, I don't think 'open invitation' means what you think it means.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 14:07

@ElementalHalfLife I don’t think it’s unreasonable to offer for them to come and stay any time, but just ask them to let us know so we can make plans?! They’re far away enough that it would be an overnight stay, surely you wouldn’t just turn up to someone’s and expect to be put up?

OP posts:
ElementalHalfLife · 17/07/2018 14:20

No, but i think the open invitation thing sounds a bit hollow in view of your other posts. You didn't let them know that you were going to be away on their gc's birthday because, you know, people often like to drop by on birthdays to hand over gifts and don't always feel they need an appointment to do so. Even if they'd decided to mail a gift you wouldn't have been there to take delivery. It would have been kind of your DH to at least give them a heads up you wouldn't be around on the birthday.

4GreenApples · 17/07/2018 14:29

You didn't let them know that you were going to be away on their gc's birthday because, you know, people often like to drop by on birthdays to hand over gifts and don't always feel they need an appointment to do so.

But they live 2 hours away! Even if OP wasn’t on holiday, it’s perfectly possible that they might have taken the DC out to some local attraction for the day to celebrate the birthday.

Why should OP or her DH feel obliged to tell relatives their planned movements on their DCs birthdays, just in case the relatives decide to take a spur of the moment 2 hour drive to see them? Confused Confused

CoffeeOrSleep · 17/07/2018 14:31

In your comparasion ElementalHalfLife - the hairdressers would have to be open 24/7, never have a day closed/off, and if someone walked in for an appointment, the staff should cancel other people who have already booked appointments, to prioritise the needs of the walk in... "walk ins welcome" doesn't mean you are garenteed an appointment and you can hardly get stroppy if they can't fit you in between booked appointments.

The OP's PIL live 2 hours away and do not feel it's acceptable for the OP & her DH to not be available if they turn up after such a long drive - therefore it's not unreasonable to be asking for warning they will be turning up - they aren't even asking the PIL to ask permission to come along, just to warn them so they will be in/if they can't be back before the PIL's arrive, can tell them so.

AirForce0ne · 17/07/2018 14:31

I think most people in RL understands an "open invitation" as a "do call us anytime to arrange a visit and work out a stay mutually convenient".

I have open invitations to most of my friends and families, but I wouldn't just barge in unannounced. I'd call first to ask if they are around the days I am planning on visiting.

Your adult children might not advertise on social media that they have a bad case of D&V in their house, would you really want to pop in in the middle of it? If you are the kind who will babysit and clean the house whilst the parents are dying in peace upstairs, possibly, but if you are not that close, you will be in the way - and you will catch it too.

YoThePussy · 17/07/2018 14:35

PeckhamPauline YABVU to mention coffee cake as I now want some very badly.

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/07/2018 14:55

@MereDintofPandiculation not sure the mobile phone issue is relevant here, given me, DH, and ILs have them, but they chose not to use it It was clear that my post wasn't answering your specific post but the more general question of why there is no meeting of minds between those who pop in and those who don't, so whetehr or not you and your ILs have mobiles is totally irrelevant to what I was saying. So no need for snarky emojis.

lifetothefull · 17/07/2018 15:15

Just let the guilt trip wash over you. It's not yours to accept. You weren't in. Oh well. Don't accept any guilt for this. but equally, don't get annoyed with them either. It's not worth it.

moomoo85 · 17/07/2018 15:16

If they lived round the corner then I would say it is reasonable to knock to drop off a gift. If they are driving 2 hours then they should ring first as they aren't just going to be popping in for a few minutes and you might be busy.

SalemBlackCat · 17/07/2018 15:23

@MereDintofPandiculation But the group of people who have no problems popping in DON'T SEE THE NECESSITY TO PHONE/TEXT AHEAD, so how would everyone have mobiles sort it out? Your post is irrelevant.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/07/2018 15:41

I agree very odd not to ring first with a 4 hour trip. Off topic but it sounds like it was readily apparent you were on hols - it wouldn’t usually be the first thought you were on hols more likely at shops etc and fact they didn’t ring you when you weren’t in. Maybe worth thinking about from a security point of view, if fil can immediately guess you are away burglars can too.

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/07/2018 15:44

@SalemBlackCat As mobiles become universal, weight of opinion will turn to "text first" and so even the most fervent popper-inners will have to admit it's no longer acceptable and will conform (even if they moan about it).

And the generation raised when a lot of people didn't have any sort of phone whatever (so no question of being able to phone first) will be dying out.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 15:49

@Dixiechickonhols good point, although apparently they arrived at the house, when there was no answer they went into town and did some shopping, then came back after a couple of hours to see if we were home. At no point did they think to just bloody RING us!

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 17/07/2018 16:34

Very odd not to just ring and pop back later. Glad my comment didn’t offend just been putting wheelie bins away for a neighbour who is obviously away to make it look less obvious hence my comment.

Davespecifico · 17/07/2018 16:36

Here you are:
www.debretts.com/debretts-a-to-z/v/visitors-unexpected/

TorviBrightspear · 17/07/2018 16:44

@ElementalHalfLife

Why would the OP assume these in-laws might just pop in, given that they have only bothered to make the trip twice in 10 years?

FishingIsNotASport · 17/07/2018 17:34

YANBU. I honestly don't get the posts on here attacking the OP. Who in their right mind embarks on a 4 hour round trip without checking the person they want to see will be available?! And I thought my inlaws were bad. On my birthday we went to an event about 2 hours from home. We'd just arrived at midday and my DH received a call from his shouty father:
"We've just been to your place to drop of Fishing's card, and you're not there!!"

"No dad we're in Windsor for the day."
"We couldn't get in!!"
"Well no you can't if we're not there."
"Your mother's really upset!!"

But I suppose many on here would think I'm a terrible DIL, DH is a terrible son and it's awful parents can't just pop in whenever.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/07/2018 18:15

It's amusing how the fact that FIL and SMIL only visit in person twice a decade is being used as both a reason why they should be welcome to pop in and a reason why they shouldn't.

My own view is that where possible you do call people before dropping round, because you don't know if it will be a bad time, a call costs pennies if that, and if nothing else they can hastily put away the laundered undies or put some clothes on before you turn up on the doorstep. It's not about how much they love you or how welcoming they could/should be. Someone upthread beat me to the comment that the family might have unexpectedly gone down with a nasty illness they didn't know they needed to warn you away from!

If you prefer not to ring ahead then ok, don't, but the downside of that is you really can't complain if they weren't expecting you and have therefore gone out. It's not a personal slight if they are failing to sit indoors thinking "I'd better not go anywhere in case Dad and Mrs Dad will be dropping round - it's been 5 years since the last time - hmm, must be pretty much due another visit then".

Foodylicious · 17/07/2018 18:18

Is this possibly a 'not so subtle' passive aggressive response to not having been invited to celebrate DSs birthday?

Did you have an event?

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 18:34

@Foodylicious no I don’t think so, they didn’t even ask us if we were having a party etc, his birthday was before holiday (and not the day they chose to pop round!). He had a little party at nursery so we just did a special tea with cake at home, he’s too young really to know what’s going on!

OP posts:
Roomba · 17/07/2018 18:44

My ex FIL regularly drives two hours up the motorway (on a good day) and is then surprised no one is in to greet him, or that we're on our way out already. I've said so many times why not RING first? But then he doesn't get miffed about it, he agrees he should have phoned first, then drives home and does it all again next time Confused. He lives alone and has no one to answer to though, so I think he just wakes up and thinks 'I'll go see what Roomba and the grandkids are up to today! If they're not in I'll have been out for a nice drive...'

My parents appeared on my doorstep (a 3.5 hour drive) unannounced once, and once once. I had plans for the day and they got the hump. I told them this was unreasonable given they hadn't phoned me at all and they got the message.

Bibesia · 18/07/2018 07:41

You didn't let them know that you were going to be away on their gc's birthday because, you know, people often like to drop by on birthdays to hand over gifts

But the point is that these two don't like to do that. Otherwise they would have visited much more than twice in ten years.

It would have been kind of your DH to at least give them a heads up you wouldn't be around on the birthday.

Are OP and her DH really supposed to give her their itinerary for every day of the year on the off-chance that today might be the day they make the memorable third visit in ten years?

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